A Change

March 17, 2008 at 9:24 pm (Weight Watchers)

I knew when I started this website that it would have an end date, that if I were successful at what I was doing that it couldn’t go on forever.  Well, I’ve been successful!  More than I ever could have dreamt.  That means that this ‘weight loss’ website has served its purpose and is no longer neccessary.  I still definitely have food related issues and body image and weight issues but in the months that have passed I’ve sorted through most of them and what’s left are just small ongoing issues that need to be sorted regularly.   So what do I do? 

Writing is cathartic for me and without a doubt something that I will continue to do so I’m simply going to change my website.  I’m going to stop tagging as “Weight Watchers” and “Weight Loss” so if you were used to reading me in the Tag Surfer and still want to hear what I have to say, add me to your links.

What’s the website going to be about?  Ummm….ME!  It’s always really been about me but I’ve been hesitant to talk about things that aren’t weight related because that seemed unfair to people who came to read for inspiration or motivation in their own weight loss journey. 

I hope the reason that you guys have kept coming back is my honesty and openness in discussing issues.  I hope it’s because I try to get to the what and the why in order to sort things out.  That said, if you were coming here for strictly weight loss discussion I’m afraid you are going to be disappointed and I truly don’t mind if you don’t come back regularly.

I believe that my success in my weight loss has had to do with my complete honesty with myself and what I’m thinking or feeling.  Those thoughts and feelings come out on these pages and then I don’t have to keep them rolling about in my head.  That’s the idea behind where these pages are going now…the problem is that there are several people that I know in real life who read this website.  So here is fair warning:  IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ALL THE PERSONAL DETAILS ABOUT ME, STOP READING! 

OK?  Right. 

So now onto the topic of the day.  As I mentioned the other day, on Saturday I was invited out by a guy (that I’m interested in) to visit with a couple of friends of his and watch the hockey game.  I may not have mentioned how content that made me.  How nice it was to be the other half of a couple (not that we’re A Couple, just that there were two of us…let’s not rush it!).  How nice it was to have someone that I’m attracted to want to spend time with me.  When I explain who this person is to people, the first thing that I say is how nice he is to me.  That may not be as important to everyone as it is to me.  He is nice to me, courteous, gentle and respectful.  That is such a HUGE deal to me!  In this last year I’ve seen what love looks like and I’ve also seen what I’ve been doing to myself.  I made the decision that I deserved love and respect and kindness and that nothing else was good enough or worth my time.  While he and I have only been out a couple of times and I have NO preconceived notions of where that’s going to go or how long it’s going to last or what it’s going to turn into, I wanted to explain why it’s such a big deal to me that he’s nice to me.  Because I was right!  I do deserve that and if I take care of me then other people notice that I live out that belief.  And they are more likely to live it out as well.  Does that make sense?

Something else that I noticed that I’m sure has more to do with how I am these days than anything else is how easy it was to just relax and be there.  I wasn’t worrying about how I looked or worrying about making him think I was funny or smart.  I wasn’t worried the entire time what he might’ve been thinking.  I was just able to be there, watch the hockey game (and cheer!), eat chinese food and chat and laugh.  I’ve always, ALWAYS been the one who arranged or invited or cajoled or bribed the other person to spend time with me.  And now?  Although it was originally at my request that he got my phone number, he’s the one who asked me out, he’s the one who made the plans, he’s the one who made sure that I was comfortable the whole time.  That’s very unusual for me and I have to say, I liked it.  I’m not usually so much with someone else doing the ‘taking care’ of (not taking care of me neccessarily but of the plans, of the driving etc.) but for some reason I was totally alright with it. 

Now, as content as it made me, on the other hand made me really nervous.  I know I’ve said time and time again on this website that I have trust issues.  Mostly, I don’t trust people and it takes quite a long time and a lot of bravery on my part to give them a little piece of me and see what they’ll do with it.  Now add to that that I have affection/intimacy issues and I turn into a real prize!  No, really.  I feel dumb sometimes because other people seem to be able to do this stuff just fine and it makes me really nervous.   I do realize that I engineered my life a certain way after some very unfortunate circumstances many years ago.  I designed my life so that the only person in it was me and that was the way I was comfortable with things.  There came a point though when I finally recovered and banished most of my demons and decided that what I’d created was no longer enough.  It wasn’t good enough or fun enough of happy enough.  So I started making changes.  First to myself and my respect for me and my love for me and how I take care of me.  And once that started being successful I was able to start looking outside my self-created world to see what else was out there.  What I discovered is that once I started caring about me, other people started taking notice.  To be honest that alarmed me and still does a little bit.  It’s odd, but by making myself fat and unattractive I was trying to make myself invisible so that I didn’t have to deal with the things that bothered me or disturbed me or made me uncomfortable.  Now?  Just about everything I do makes me a little uncomfortable but the reward at the end is SO WORTH IT!!!! 

So back to the dating thing.  This person is so respectful and courteous and, again, is so nice to me that I do not believe I am going to have any problem when I explain to him that whatever road we end up travelling down we’re going to be going down it slowly.  There is no other option.  While I am now used to being slightly uncomfortable with some of the stuff that I have been doing, I have no intention of being uneasy or rushed or obligated.  It’s just not worth the struggle to come back from.  Again, not that I believe for one moment that I’m going to have any difficulty with this person, just that I have to enforce my groundrules and that means enforcing them with myself as well.  A large part of my previous dating experience caused the issues that I have now with trust and vulnerability and intimacy and affection.  I am finally, FINALLY able to work around and past that and I am not willing to let it get away from me again.  So the next time we go out (this coming weekend) I’m going to have to broach the subject somehow.  It’s going to need to be short and sweet and to the point.  I’m not sure yet exactly what I’m going to say.  I’m none so good with the talking but I’m going to have to do it because otherwise my nervousness is going to ruin something that hasn’t even had the chance to get off the ground yet.

So, that was the first post in the NON-weightloss blog that is Ask Lady Shanny.  I’ll leave all the features up as well as the Journey in Pictures and the Results page for the foreseeable future.  Since I’m not actually done with the fat losing yet I’ll still be using them and I’ll still update on Tuesday evenings.  I have no interest in turning this into a weight-maintenance blog, I think that would get really dull.  I have so many more things to work on and work through and this is the place that I’m going to do it.  I would love it if you stayed around for the next leg of this journey but if you aren’t interested I completely understand!