What Was I Expecting?

First weigh in for SPRING FORWARD was not as solid as I would have liked.  Less than a pound…(-0.6)…but that’s still going in the right direction.  How did you guys do?  Sybil?  Ladybeams?  Kirsten?  (p4p, I know you’ll post on your own website)

I’ve been giving some thought to what I was expecting to have happen by this time when I started out to lose the weight.  I realized that I never really gave any thought to what I could expect to see when I got here.  Mostly because I have never BEEN here, but also that I had a certain concept in my head and that’s all I really cared about.  I never thought about what I would be faced with doing once I reached this point.  I didn’t give any thought to how I would move away from the losing and towards the maintaining.  I had no concept of how my body would look after losing this much weight.  I do have to say, without giving out too much information, that I really like the way I look, sans clothes.  There are certain parts that I want to tone up and in a perfect world I would fix immediately, but overall I would not be embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit at this point.  I’m not going to run out and put on a string bikini but I’m pretty pleased with how things have turned out.

What I need to do now is just relax and let the scale do its thing.  There shouldn’t be any major drops coming now, I’m pretty close to being as small as I’m likely to get.  I fully believe that I will end up losing more weight as the months go by but it’s not going to be anything huge like it has been.  Now I need to just concentrate on the status quo, increasing my fitness/cardio and starting to live in this new body. 

In a conversation with my dear friend this morning we were discussing whether or not I even should be losing anymore weight at all.  I have it to lose, but is it likely that I will lose it where I want to?  Or is it more likely that I will lose it in the curvy, girly parts and still have it where I least want it?  From that perspective I would not want to lose anymore.  On the other hand I’ve come so far and it might be a shame not to find out just how trim I can get.  I’m not sure which one I want.  In a study that someone posted, something like 90% of men, when shown pictures of sizes 8, 10, 12 and 14 women, picked the 12 and 14 women as the most physically attractive while the women picked the size 8 woman as the most appealing.  So while I would LOVE to be a size 8 (don’t laugh, I’m closer to that than you might think!), I don’t want to go so far as to not be attractive to the opposite sex anymore (that sort of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it!).  But then you have to consider that the more attractive YOU feel that you are, the more that comes across as confidence and that is sexy as hell (or so I’m told). (plus, I’m already out of the 12-14 category anyway)

We’ll see.  I think that if I keep running and keep eating well then I am bound to continue to lose the excess fat that I have from wherever it decides to leave from.  It’s such a fine line on both sides though.  Do I stop now and start eating more so that I don’t lose anymore weight?  Or do I keep going until my body literally doesn’t have another ounce to lose and just stops of its own accord?  One of them I would be in complete control of and the other one just happens when it happens.  I know exactly what one of them looks like and the other one is a bit of a mystery.  And I know me and getting down another 12 pounds would certainly be something that I am willing to go after, but I know that I would NOT want to see the scale start to rise if I decided I didn’t like the way it looked or that it wasn’t sustainable.  I also need to realize that unless I’m willing to start going to the gym and training really hard, I am always going to be a soft (in a good way), curvy woman.  I think I could potentially get to that solid, completely toned up point, but am I willing to put in that kind of effort?  I’m not sure, we’ll have to see.

I almost wanted to withdraw from the April challenge (SPRING FORWARD) because I don’t think it’s reasonable for me to try and lose another 8-10 pounds in only 3 weeks.  I decided to stay in though because a targeted goal like that can’t hurt even if at this point it doesn’t seem like I’m going to come even close.

So onward we go, ever closer to whatever that final number ends up being.  Let’s get cracking!

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March Madness: Final Results

(note:  Lacey, your email address you left in the Ask Lady Shanny box is not valid.  If you want an email back from me, please resend with corrected address)

Hi April!  Nice to see you!  Since you’re finally here, does that mean it’s going to start getting warmer outside?   

March Madness is over and I have my final tally ready.  I should point out that I was uber-annoyed this evening when I weighed since I am up over a pound and a half from yesterday morning.  Some things about being a girl SUCK!  But since I am honest and I report my actual weight I reported the higher number, what it actually said 5 minutes ago.  During March Madness I lost a total of 10.2 pounds.  That means that I surpassed my goal of losing between 8-10 pounds in March by 0.2!!!  Good job, ME!!!  How did you guys do?  Final results in the comments if you’re willing.

I received an email the other day asking me when I was going to post a new picture.  Since I am almost a full 20 pounds less than the last one, I think it’s time.  I have a hair appointment on Saturday and then I’m going to go and visit a friend of mine.  We’ll do the picture then and I’ll post it on Saturday evening.  I actually can’t wait to see it!  When the last picture was taken I figured I looked pretty good and that there wasn’t going to be much difference after that.  I think there will probably be a bit of a difference…especially since the yoga pants and jacket I was wearing in the shot are both too big for me to be wearing out in public anymore.  I’ve talked about skewed body perception before and until I have a picture that I can look at and examine and compare, I have a hard time really knowing what I look like.  Sure, I know that I’ve shrunk some but since I’m still me and I see me every day it’s hard to really know how drastic the change is. 

So now I need a goal for April.  I have the big out of country shopping trip planned for May 2-4 so I’m definitely going to want to be down as close to my final number as possible.  That said I will set the same goal for April; 8-10 pounds in a healthy and intelligent manner over the course of April (last weigh in would be April 29th).  At the outside of that range I would be at 167.4 which would put me right at the high edge of my self-prescribed range.  Any ideas on what I should call it? April Attitude?  Astronomical April?  OK, I suck at being creative like that.  p4p, want to name it this time?  (if you’re playing, that is) 

That’s all I have for you this evening.  Not because I’m waffling about the website again, don’t worry.  I’ve just had a rather bumpy afternoon, intestinally, and I’m feeling shaky and overall not so great.  I’ll be fine in a short while, I know what it was.  I guess what I learned today is that when you go to The Giant Coffee Chain and order your drink with soy, you should actually WATCH them and make sure that they make your beverage with soy.  Especially when the guy didn’t understand your order to begin with so you had to repeat it and then you get your beverage and notice that they did not write on the cup or the sleeve what you actually ordered.   So when an hour later you think you might be dieing, the chances are pretty good that they didn’t actually USE the soy beverage.  Right.  Lesson learned!  Thank heavens that today is a no exercise day in my schedule! 

March Madness: Weigh In #4

I’m ever so sorry that I forgot to give you guys my March Madness update on Tuesday.  The goal of March Madness was to lose 8-10 pounds in the month of March (last weigh-in for me will be April 1) in whatever manner you choose, the only rule being that you have to do it safely and intelligently.  So far in this challenge I’ve lost 9 pounds leaving me with only 1 pound to lose this coming week to meet the outside parameter.  Not bad!  I really think that having an actual numbered goal to meet in a numbered period of time is a great idea because then you have something real to aim at. 

Now, moving on. 

Do you ever remember as a kid your mom saying to you, “No, you don’t need anything else to eat today.” when you were whining for a snack or a treat?  Do you remember if it was because you were bored or wanted comfort or attention?  I do know that this last week I’ve been whining for a snack or a treat in the worst way!  I’ve been working crazy long hours for the last 2 weeks and I think my snack needs are actually misread sleep needs.  Plus it’s Fourth Week right now which totally doesn’t help and it feels like FW has been dragging on forever! 

For the last two weeks, every morning I get up at a completely unreasonable hour, have breakfast over an hour and a half earlier than I normally do and then by 7am I’m starving.  What I’ve done is made my day about 2 hours longer but I’ve left my meals and snacks in the same places.  My brain thinks “It’s time to eat because normally we take our coffee break 3 hours after we have breakfast.”.  Unfortunately 3 hours after I have breakfast these days is still 2 hours before coffee time.  So I think even though my exercise has stayed the same I probably need to add in another small snack (and not just move calories around,sticking with my standard 1250) to avoid any ‘hanging on’ of calories.  I know long hours, routine change and added stressors can cause me to want to bury myself in food and not come out for awhile.  Purposely adding something else in to the day’s food will certainly help me stay content long enough to avoid that.

I think that this is all rubbing off on my exercise too.  The past couple of days I’ve had the worst time trying to convince myself to get out and run.  I’ve done it but I’ve been bitter and twisted about it.  And while I’m doing it I feel like I have a water buffalo tied to each leg, my breathing is very wheezy and the voice in my head that tells me I have to stop drowns out my iPod.  So is that from Fourth Week?  Or is it harder to exercise when you are mentally tired and when you’ve changed up your routine.    Not to be completely stupid, but I really don’t know since I’m pretty much making this up as I go along.  I’ve added an extra couple of hours to my day in the morning but I’m going to bed at a pretty reasonable time and I’m getting around 8 hours of sleep (sometimes a titch more).  If you shift your total sleep time up by two hours, are you getting less rest?  Or is 8 hours the same no matter what time you go to bed or get up at?  Does this all have any effect on performance in exercise?   I hope these questions don’t make me sound completely stupid.  Since I’m pretty much making this up as I go along, I’m bound to run into these bumps in the road.  This particular bump is going to go on for the next 4-6 weeks at least so I’m going to have to find some way to navigate around it.  Maybe like any change it will get easier as time goes by…maybe this is just the adjustment phase.  I think the first step is definitely eating a little more to make up for those extra hours. 

Do you guys have any thoughts?  Anything that you’ve noticed?  Have you had a hard time getting weight off when you’ve changed your routine even though you haven’t changed your calorie intake or burnoff?  Have you gained weight during the adjustment?

A Change

I knew when I started this website that it would have an end date, that if I were successful at what I was doing that it couldn’t go on forever.  Well, I’ve been successful!  More than I ever could have dreamt.  That means that this ‘weight loss’ website has served its purpose and is no longer neccessary.  I still definitely have food related issues and body image and weight issues but in the months that have passed I’ve sorted through most of them and what’s left are just small ongoing issues that need to be sorted regularly.   So what do I do? 

Writing is cathartic for me and without a doubt something that I will continue to do so I’m simply going to change my website.  I’m going to stop tagging as “Weight Watchers” and “Weight Loss” so if you were used to reading me in the Tag Surfer and still want to hear what I have to say, add me to your links.

What’s the website going to be about?  Ummm….ME!  It’s always really been about me but I’ve been hesitant to talk about things that aren’t weight related because that seemed unfair to people who came to read for inspiration or motivation in their own weight loss journey. 

I hope the reason that you guys have kept coming back is my honesty and openness in discussing issues.  I hope it’s because I try to get to the what and the why in order to sort things out.  That said, if you were coming here for strictly weight loss discussion I’m afraid you are going to be disappointed and I truly don’t mind if you don’t come back regularly.

I believe that my success in my weight loss has had to do with my complete honesty with myself and what I’m thinking or feeling.  Those thoughts and feelings come out on these pages and then I don’t have to keep them rolling about in my head.  That’s the idea behind where these pages are going now…the problem is that there are several people that I know in real life who read this website.  So here is fair warning:  IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW ALL THE PERSONAL DETAILS ABOUT ME, STOP READING! 

OK?  Right. 

So now onto the topic of the day.  As I mentioned the other day, on Saturday I was invited out by a guy (that I’m interested in) to visit with a couple of friends of his and watch the hockey game.  I may not have mentioned how content that made me.  How nice it was to be the other half of a couple (not that we’re A Couple, just that there were two of us…let’s not rush it!).  How nice it was to have someone that I’m attracted to want to spend time with me.  When I explain who this person is to people, the first thing that I say is how nice he is to me.  That may not be as important to everyone as it is to me.  He is nice to me, courteous, gentle and respectful.  That is such a HUGE deal to me!  In this last year I’ve seen what love looks like and I’ve also seen what I’ve been doing to myself.  I made the decision that I deserved love and respect and kindness and that nothing else was good enough or worth my time.  While he and I have only been out a couple of times and I have NO preconceived notions of where that’s going to go or how long it’s going to last or what it’s going to turn into, I wanted to explain why it’s such a big deal to me that he’s nice to me.  Because I was right!  I do deserve that and if I take care of me then other people notice that I live out that belief.  And they are more likely to live it out as well.  Does that make sense?

Something else that I noticed that I’m sure has more to do with how I am these days than anything else is how easy it was to just relax and be there.  I wasn’t worrying about how I looked or worrying about making him think I was funny or smart.  I wasn’t worried the entire time what he might’ve been thinking.  I was just able to be there, watch the hockey game (and cheer!), eat chinese food and chat and laugh.  I’ve always, ALWAYS been the one who arranged or invited or cajoled or bribed the other person to spend time with me.  And now?  Although it was originally at my request that he got my phone number, he’s the one who asked me out, he’s the one who made the plans, he’s the one who made sure that I was comfortable the whole time.  That’s very unusual for me and I have to say, I liked it.  I’m not usually so much with someone else doing the ‘taking care’ of (not taking care of me neccessarily but of the plans, of the driving etc.) but for some reason I was totally alright with it. 

Now, as content as it made me, on the other hand made me really nervous.  I know I’ve said time and time again on this website that I have trust issues.  Mostly, I don’t trust people and it takes quite a long time and a lot of bravery on my part to give them a little piece of me and see what they’ll do with it.  Now add to that that I have affection/intimacy issues and I turn into a real prize!  No, really.  I feel dumb sometimes because other people seem to be able to do this stuff just fine and it makes me really nervous.   I do realize that I engineered my life a certain way after some very unfortunate circumstances many years ago.  I designed my life so that the only person in it was me and that was the way I was comfortable with things.  There came a point though when I finally recovered and banished most of my demons and decided that what I’d created was no longer enough.  It wasn’t good enough or fun enough of happy enough.  So I started making changes.  First to myself and my respect for me and my love for me and how I take care of me.  And once that started being successful I was able to start looking outside my self-created world to see what else was out there.  What I discovered is that once I started caring about me, other people started taking notice.  To be honest that alarmed me and still does a little bit.  It’s odd, but by making myself fat and unattractive I was trying to make myself invisible so that I didn’t have to deal with the things that bothered me or disturbed me or made me uncomfortable.  Now?  Just about everything I do makes me a little uncomfortable but the reward at the end is SO WORTH IT!!!! 

So back to the dating thing.  This person is so respectful and courteous and, again, is so nice to me that I do not believe I am going to have any problem when I explain to him that whatever road we end up travelling down we’re going to be going down it slowly.  There is no other option.  While I am now used to being slightly uncomfortable with some of the stuff that I have been doing, I have no intention of being uneasy or rushed or obligated.  It’s just not worth the struggle to come back from.  Again, not that I believe for one moment that I’m going to have any difficulty with this person, just that I have to enforce my groundrules and that means enforcing them with myself as well.  A large part of my previous dating experience caused the issues that I have now with trust and vulnerability and intimacy and affection.  I am finally, FINALLY able to work around and past that and I am not willing to let it get away from me again.  So the next time we go out (this coming weekend) I’m going to have to broach the subject somehow.  It’s going to need to be short and sweet and to the point.  I’m not sure yet exactly what I’m going to say.  I’m none so good with the talking but I’m going to have to do it because otherwise my nervousness is going to ruin something that hasn’t even had the chance to get off the ground yet.

So, that was the first post in the NON-weightloss blog that is Ask Lady Shanny.  I’ll leave all the features up as well as the Journey in Pictures and the Results page for the foreseeable future.  Since I’m not actually done with the fat losing yet I’ll still be using them and I’ll still update on Tuesday evenings.  I have no interest in turning this into a weight-maintenance blog, I think that would get really dull.  I have so many more things to work on and work through and this is the place that I’m going to do it.  I would love it if you stayed around for the next leg of this journey but if you aren’t interested I completely understand!

Master Bombardier

I happen to be very fortunate to know some really smart people.  One of these really smart people is someone you’re about to meet.  His name is Evann and he is an active member of the Canadian military.  Additionally he runs a fitness program in Kitsilano (unfortunately too far away for me to actually attend).  You can go and see his website at http://www.corporalpunishment.ca (that’s actually him on the front page) and if you happen to live or work near there, GO SIGN UP for the workout of your life.  He’s probably the fittest person that I have ever met and so I thought I would pick his brain a little.  I asked him whether or not he happened to have any suggestions for me for training to run the 10k in July without stopping.  The incredible wealth of information that I received back from him was so impressive that I had to repost it here (with his permission, of course).  The repost here of the emails are as they were received but I’ve removed some of the irrelevant chatter (all on my part) so that you can get right to the useful information (all on his part!).  The first part is more about run training and then it moves on to talking about caloric needs as it relates to weight loss.  The whole thing is pretty long but I think it’s well worth the read if you’re trying to lose weight while getting or increasing physical fitness.

Shanny Says:  Anyway, I’ve started doing Fartlek training and hill repeats as well as increasing my running distance.  Since 6 months ago I weighed 70 pounds more and only last month I was still a pack a day smoker, I think I’m doing pretty well.  I know that most people would probably go further or run faster or do it for longer but I figure that I’ll just gradually build up my endurance and stamina.  Since this is supposed to be a lifelong commitment there is really no time limit on how long it takes….except that I really would like to run the 10k on July 20th without stopping.  Any suggestions?

Evann Says:  I think its amazing the way you have been able to motivate yourself to stay fit – if everyone was like you though, we wouldn’t need people like me!  But it’s that kind of determination I like to see in people.  Plus you have someone to encourage you and that’s a prime motivating factor for all of us.

Okay, here are several suggestions:

1.  You mention running 10k “without stopping”   Do you stop now?  How far can you make it before you feel you need to stop?  If you’re always stopping, then you are always going to need to stop. Erase that need by slowing down near the end of your workout but keep moving forward even at a snail’s pace.

2. Run intervals along telephone poles.  Similar to fartlek, this will help you learn a tempo and force your body to deal with increased HR and energy output.  Run along the roads and alternate sprinting and running between telephone poles.

3.  Long Slow distance runs or LSD will increase your endurance. Run really slow and do your best to meet the 10k or more mark.  Do this twice a week at a casual pace, something you can still talk/sing during. Everyone always runs this too fast – its REALLY slow so always asses yourself as you go along.  Make your footfalls very ‘light’ and soundless.

4. No more than once a week, do a speed run.  You should be running hard and fast for a good long distance.  It’s okay to run hard for 1k, walk 500m and then run hard for 1k again.

If 10k is your goal, you need to be running 12k or more during your training so that race day seems easy.  IF you know the route of the run you want to do, go run it now and get used to the area so there are no surprises on race day.  Lastly, make sure you are eating enough.  Now that you are outputting more energy, you need to increase your caloric intake.  If you are running and working out 3 or more times a week or a total of 4-5hrs a week, you should be eating upwards of 2600calories a day.  You will need the energy to keep up with the expenditure and allow your body to build muscle.  You also have to eat after your workout to balance out the calorie-deficit you just created. So eat more than you did before you started running, not less.  

Shanny Says:  As far as the calories…I have issues with this…ask Kathleen, she knows!  I still have around 15 pounds to lose so I’m still on a bit of a restricted calorie intake and there is no WAY that I would increase by more than double.  I so wish that there was some way of knowing exactly how many calories a person burns.  I know that there are websites that estimate the totals but those are a little vague.  I would love to know the exact number that I burn.  I don’t do well with approximating because as a formerly fat (quite!) person I am now always erring on the side of caution.

Evann Says:  I understand about the calorie thing – all women have this issue, but trust me when I say that you WILL burn more by taking in more.  If you’ve gone from a sedentary lifestyle to one of activity, your  Mean-Caloric-Need has changed to reflect your activities.    Basically, our bodies like to stay in a certain range so before when you ate and did nothing your body responded by stating “this is the norm for me” and it remained in a certain state.  When you add more activity and don’t add more calories it states ” I need to hang on to my calories to keep in the norm” and the body therefore will not burn calories because it is unsure when the next intake will arrive.  If you are to eat a little more the body states ” I can expel fat/calories and use it as energy because I know more will be coming to replace it” 

It’s an odd thing but its how the body works.  Getting women and even some men to understand this relationship is the hardest part of fitness.

I eat a fairly high-fat diet – and I cant KEEP the weight on.  Nothing gets stored, it’s used as fuel and burns up before the day is even over. I’m actually anorexic by definition! When you start working out you can eat more, eat fattier, eat more carb-loaded meals, ingest more sugar all because of the increased activity you are doing.  But it seems so contradictory doesn’t it?

One more contradiction, or oddity:  You burn zero calories when working out.  ZERO.  NONE.  Contrary to what we think we know, what cardio machines tell us, not a single calorie is burnt while doing an exercise.  Our body burns only while at rest. So you may run 4km but you aren’t loosing any fat until later that night when you sit down to watch tv – that’s when the body says “okay time to let go of this stuff..”  and that is why its so important to consume calories because if you do not, then the body won’t release anything. The machine that tells you “you’ve burned 400calories”  should actually say “you’ve expended the equivalent energy that is found in 400calories of nutrition, please insert 400calories of food to loose weight now”      lol…  Because what you’ve done is create a calorie deficit which needs to be immediately replaced (creating that norm we talked about) so that the body doesn’t frighten and allows itself to convert its fat stores into energy.

It’s very hard to explain over email.. drawings are actually better. I hope it makes some sense to you.

Number 3:  Muscle weighs more than fat but if we increase our muscle mass, we reduce our fat even though we may gain a pound or two(of muscle) in the process.  Don’t think about your goals as being weight/fat indicated.  True muscle weighs twice as much but it also burns twice as much just by nature of its existence.  Since we know our body only burns at rest, would you rather have 12lbs of muscle to do the work for you or 2lbs of muscle and 10lbs of fat?  Sitting around breathing burns fat! So why not help out the body by increasing its ability to do so?   

Serious runners need to put on muscle to assist with their locomotion and to burn fat stores.  If you were to ask a tri-athlete to take off his shirt you would see more muscle on a skinny dude than you could imagine. ALL RUNNERS should do some form of weight training to gain muscle mass as this will assist with burning your fat stores.  Have you hit a wall with your weight loss?  Get in the gym or train at home… you’ll now burn more fat and lose more weight.

Shanny Says:  I do understand the idea behind eating to burn…I like to think about it like a car (do tell me if this is totally off base since I use this example on my website a lot!) where if you drive the exact number of km every day then you could probably figure out exactly how much fuel to put in to get you there and back.  But then if you decide to drive an extra 50k you are going to need to put in more fuel to get there.  I get that.  My problem is with determining exactly how much to add back because I have a really hard time determining how much I actually burned off.  There’s a bit of paranoia about eating more too.  My nature, once I become committed to something, is to become somewhat militant about it and I do not waver from my plan.  Since a person cannot live like that forever (I completely agree with that) you can get yourself to the point of burnout and then the whole thing goes for a shit.  Same with exercise, I think.  Even when I really don’t want to do it or I’m exhausted, if it’s not one of my preplanned rest days (Tuesday or Saturday) I go do it.  It’s not pretty but it gets done.  So it’s hard to then train yourself that it’s OK to add more calories or take an extra day off…because where does it end?

I’m still losing about 2 pounds a week which is not too bad.  Pretty soon I’m going to be done losing though and I’m going to have to figure out exactly what I need to eat to maintain.  I think that will actually be easier for adding back calories for exercise because you can keep increasing until the scale starts rising and then cut back a bit.  That’s the hope, anyway.

Evann Says:  While you are out there running around, there is nothing stopping you from throwing in a few pushups, sit-ups along the way.  Every bench you see should be an opportunity to do an exercise.

I suppose the car analogy works..  especially if you use it to eat breakfast, which no one ever seems to do.  Imagine the car being empty every morning but you have to go 4km – where are you getting the fuel from?  Would you rather burn fumes or actual fuel?  Put in some breakfast before your morning workout people!

It’s not that important to determine how much you burned off.  That’s a tactic on the part of the fitness industry to get you to think in that manner, become obsessed and then fail so that you need to buy another product or diet scheme. It’s really ok to ingest more than you burned – it won’t turn into fat, I promise.  Lets use some arbitrary numbers to illustrate this:

You ran 5km, creating a  500calorie deficit

You ate 650 calories worth of food, replacing the deficit and then some.

Your body now has 150 cal worth of energy left bouncing around in the tank so where does it go first for life functions such as breathing, digesting, and resting?  It goes for the available 150 in the tank.

-OR-

You ran 5 km, creating a 500 cal deficit

then you only ate 450cal worth of food meaning you never replaced the deficit, nor do you have any energy left in the tank.

Does the body look to it’s fat stores?  Nope, its too afraid to dip into these because you never replaced the deficit.

It holds onto fat in this case and it reduces the function of it’s breathing, resting, digestion and muscle growth because you left it with no fuel.

The second example leaves you with less energy in the day, reduced brain function, reduced muscle growth/repair, reduced digestion, no fuel for fighting illness, and on and on and on.

In the first example, lets say you ingested an extra 400cal – what happens?  Your functioning improves, more muscle growth occurs, more energy is left for brain function, etc.  In other words, the body WILL find a way to use that energy.   Oh, and it takes energy to burn fat so where do you think that energy is supposed to come from?

2 lbs a week is pretty good, more fuel means faster weight loss  😉  

Think of a coal-fired stove that burns hotter the more you add to it – that’s your metabolism and fat burning ability.

So that’s the end of the emails at this point.  Evann certainly knows his stuff and instead of me espousing what I THINK is probably happening this is some great and accurate information about what actually DOES happen.

What do you guys think?  I’ll make sure that any comments get to him.

Pork Balls From Heaven!

I left a comment on p4pretention’s site just a minute ago and thought I would expound on those thoughts here.

We’re in the middle of March Madness right now so I had my whole weekend all planned out.  I had my snacks and my activities all laid out with the intent of staying RIGHT ON COURSE all this weekend.  Ha!  The best laid plans.

I woke up this morning at my regular time to have breakfast and then trot on back to bed for a little nap.  Problem!  The power went out at 6:30 this morning and didn’t come back on.  So my quick errands that I needed to run were delayed while waiting for power to be restored.  So I went back to bed which meant that coffee time and lunch time were delayed.  which meant that my water drinking fell behind (yes, I am THAT scheduled!).  Anyway, I zipped up to the mall to buy a new pair of work pants that fit (success!) and then came home.  At this point the plan was still salvageable.  And then?

I got a last minute phone call from a boy asking me if I wanted to go for dinner at his friend’s house with him.  He was going because they have an upcoming trip that they needed to finalize and he wanted me to come with him.  Ummm…sure!  Since I had no real plans to speak of I couldn’t think of any reason not to go. Plus, I quite like him and I liked the thought of spending some time with him.  (I’ll deal with the lack of notice thing at some other point…Shanny does not do spontaneous!)   So the plan?  Completely thrown to the wind!

Dinner ended up being chinese food (oh my God, so good!) and there was some pre-dinner, hockey watching beverages to be had.   (by the way, it turns out that chinese food and beer makes me crave a cigarette….)

When I got home this evening I sat down and did a bit of thinking.  I realized as I was sitting there eating, that with the exception of the boy (who, I sometimes wonder if he’s noticed), the couple whose house we were at don’t know that not so long ago I was 70 pounds heavier.  To them I’m just a normal sized person.  And that’s odd to me because this has been such a huge thing going on over the last few months.  It also makes it slightly more difficult when someone tries to serve you seconds and you refuse because they don’t understand why not and so they tend to think you’re being demure or polite.  They don’t know that to stay a normal weighted person that I run every night, that I weigh and measure everything that I eat, that I get on the scale every morning.  They don’t know the emotional and mental struggle that I’ve gone through to become a normal weighted person.  To them I just am. 

And now I get the weekend indulgence thing.  It’s not so much that I have to throw my entire plan out the window on Friday night, just that I can veer a little off course on the weekend without having to chalk the whole thing up as a failure.  Would I have said no to this date for the fear of having to eat off my self-prescribed plan?  No way!  Will I make it a habit to eat chinese food and drink beer every Saturday night?  Not so much!  Will I relax my restrictions occassionally so that I can actually live the life I have been working so hard to build?  Absolutely!

I’ll be back at some point in the not so distant future to talk about this boy thing.  I have some concerns/issues with the whole dating thing that I need to somehow get worked out.  I have wanted to write about it here for quite some time but I don’t quite know where to start or how to do that since some of the stuff is incredibly personal and makes me cringe to even think about writing it down (vulnerability and looking stupid and all that).

I should say that this particular boy is very nice to me, courteous, gentlemanly and sweet.  He has a good laugh, laughs at my silliness and clearly wants to spend time with me.  This is all so very different than what I’ve engineered in the past.  I’m also pretty fortunate that this particular boy had/has some reservations about us dating and so things have started out very slow and that’s just fine by me!  So far I’ve done pretty good about putting things into context and not getting overly invested.  While that might not seem like a big deal to some people it’s very much like swimming upstream for me!

Go, Run, Be Free!

There are not many times that I come across something on the internet that I believe 100% (except maybe some of the stuff that I write some of the time).  So when Comrade GoGo linked to THIS article I clicked through like a good blog-buddy expecting to gloss over a few paragraphs on someone else’s opinion. I couldn’t have been more wrong!

GO READ THIS ARTICLE!!!!!!

This guy explains in a way that I have not been able to, how what you’re thinking can directly affect how much weight you’re losing.  It explains why when a milestone pound drop or goal number is coming up that it takes 3 times as long as it normally does.  It explains why sometimes I have had to actually tell myself to ‘settle down, it’ll happen’ when I’m starting to get stressed over the weight loss.

GO READ THIS ARTICLE!!!!!!

It is quite long but well worth the read right to the end. 

I would not normally send traffic away from my own website with such vigor, so if you`re wondering why I`m so bent on this one it`s because it has played out to be completely true in my experience of losing weight and trying to get fit.

Stuff It!

I’m a little tired.  OK, I’m a lot tired!  Actually, I haven’t felt this whole body kind of tired since I started both Weight Watchers and walking to work.  That is why I presume that this spacey exhausted feeling is just my body adjusting to the new exercise routine.   Since the 8k this past Sunday I’ve been very diligent about getting out and getting my running training in.  My goal is to run a 10k in July without stopping and since that’s not a lot of time and my cardio is a lot of terrible, I started to do Fartlek training.  Go see p4p for a good explanation of what that is.

Part of what is making me tired is that there is a lot of stuff swirling around in my head right now from work stuff to a couple of instances of boy stuff to exercise stuff to body/weight stuff to personal stuff.  It’s a lot to focus on at any one time and it makes me want to just close my eyes and go to sleep…for a week!    Stop with the STUFF already!

I just about erased this post right now because it sounded particularly whiny but then I thought “this is my website and I am getting slightly “whelmed” with stuff and if I want to write about it I can!” (not OVERwhelmed…not yet…just….um….whelmed…)

One of the great things that I realized this afternoon when I got home was that I even though I want to just go straight to bed, the foundation of exercise is ultimately going to help me through life when it gets hard.  It’s a distraction for me because I can only think about what I’m doing.  It’s a constant from day to day and it’s also something that I get to do all by myself.  I know that I live by myself but at some point that is going to change and what the running gives me is guaranteed Shanny-time. 

I’ve seen it happen before where someone is completely dedicated to their health or fitness goals because they have nothing else going on.  And as soon as they get in a relationship or move in with someone or become otherwise distracted those goals become secondary and the focus becomes blurry and eventually just fizzles out.  I actually think it might be MORE important to continue on with your routine as a foundation to who you are as a person.  I know that I’m getting a little ahead of myself since I am quite a ways away from that sort of distraction but it’s something that I have to plan for.  The way I am and the way that I don’t neccessarily trust myself makes it neccessary for me to work things out in my head first.  That can sometimes cause little things to become far larger than they need to be but the value in the preplanning outweighs the occassions when I lose perspective on things. 

What do I mean by all this?  I mean that even though I am butt-dragging tired today I still ate properly and I am still going to go for my run.  Tired or stressed out is not an excuse for me to let everything slide.  No, it’s actually a reason to keep things as routine and regular as they are when I feel fantastic.  Maybe by doing something that usually makes me feel great I can trick myself into believing that I am not tired and a teeny bit stressed.  It’s worth a shot.  Plus, I have it together enough this evening to go and do my Fartlek while it’s still light outside which is like a little gift, just for me!  I’ll take it!

Serves Me Right (but in a good way!)

So ya, the eating disorder thing.  Definitely go and read the comments in the previous post.  The ones from Princess Darcy are hilarious (that’s my twinny) and JanB had a great thought too.  I expounded on my thoughts as they relate to hers and also there is someone in the comments asking for advice.

So wouldn’t you know it, the day that I am accused of having an eating disorder and starving myself, one of the foreman showed up to work with a generous serving of his homemade apple crisp for me.  I don’t actually remember asking for a taste, probably because I never for one second thought he would bring any.  But he did…this morning.  Once I realized that he wasn’t kidding I got kind of nervous (kind of?  how about a little panicky!).  This offer of apple crisp came directly on the heels of a conversation with my dear friend about how occassionally I’m going to have to start treating myself and not call it a failure.  One of my new things to work on is definitely going to be how to indulge a bit but still have the next meal or the next day right on target.  So, golden opportunity, right?  You bet!  Aside from a certain person who kept saying he wanted to WATCH me eat it (ya, cause that won’t make me more nervous!), it was actually the perfect opportunity to indulge a little, completely unplanned, and then get right back on track.  So I did.  And it was incredible!  Buttery and sugary and crispy and DELICIOUS!!!!!  I actually realized while I was eating it that I haven’t had anything with the real butter and the real sugar in a very long time.  Even my occassional indulgences are within a certain guideline (eg. sugar free hedgehog = 3pts) and I mark them down in the food journal.  How do you mark something like this down?  There is no way…and I’m actually alright with that.  I didn’t think I would be but I guess it’s one of those things you have to actually DO to see what’s going to happen.  Today was a weird day!

Today is also weigh-in day!  Did you forget?  I didn’t.  I moved weigh-in time to the morning and marked down my loss this morning.  Since I was already doing a post this morning I thought I would wait until this evening to give you the update.  It’s a good bloody thing that I did, too!  Apparantly my subtraction skills are not all that they could be at 5:05am!  The difference between last week’s weight (185) and this week’s weight (182.8) is…wait for it….NOT 1.2 pounds.  It’s actually 2.2 pounds.  And in a way?  I almost feel like I was supposed to think that I had a below normal (for ME) loss this week so that I could do the indulging thing even though I figured that I should have lost more.  Ya know what I mean?  It was almost as though the extra pound off was a little reward for stepping into new territory this morning.  That theory probably sounds questionable but I’m sticking with it. 

So for March Madness I am down a total of 4.8 pounds with only a range of 3.2 – 5.2 left to go and 3 weeks to do it in.  Totally do-able!  How is March Madness going for the rest of you?

Clueless Comment!

Wow!  When I woke up this morning and checked my comments as I do every morning I was none so happy to find this one on yesterday’s post: 

“Without sounding like I have some kind of eating disorder, I need to see what that looks like. I need to see what that feels like. I need to get there. I may not stay there but I do need to get there.”

If you need to say “Without sounding like I have some kind of eating disorder,” that should make you pause. Think about what your friend said about you not needing to lose weight and think about the fact that you are literally starving yourself to fit a mold that your body very likely just doesn’t want to fit. Do you really want to let yourself and your life be controlled by a fleeting cultural idea of what’s beautiful (not to mention one that’s perpetuated by multitudes of people trying to sell that idea)?

Regarding how many calories you’re limiting yourself to: There was a famous experiment on starvation and refeeding during WWII, and the study subjects back then were given 1800 calories a day. That was considered starvation level. (For more info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment) Losing weight is not going to make you happier, trust me.

And speaking of that, you may also want to check out this piece: <link removed>

Take care of yourself, okay?

I have to respond to it because, well because I’m beyond annoyed!

First of all, Commentor, I would hazard a guess that you haven’t been around this website very long.  A couple of parts of your comment indicate that you haven’t actually read what I write.

Like, for instance THIS post where I pretty much say flat out that I realize losing weight won’t change my life (which includes making me happy).

Or THIS post where I went to my doctor to discuss my caloric intake and exercise and what is a reasonable body weight for me to get to.

Let me make myself really, REALLY clear.  I am not ‘starving myself to fit a mold’.  It is not unreasonable to eat 1250 calories/day and I am perfectly happy there.  I’m not uncomfortable, my hair and my skin are fine, I’m not losing weight at a ridiculous rate, I’m not hungry all the time and I don’t think about food constantly.  I’m sure that you’ll say that people can talk themselves in or out of anything but rest assured, I self assess regularly (which you would know if you read my website) to make sure that I am living the healthiest life I can.   I consult a registered nutritionist on a somewhat regular basis as well as have the green light from my doctor.

As far as your saying that ‘my body very likely just doesn’t want to fit’ into the number that I’m aiming for?  Well, I guess all I can say to that is that time will tell.  As you have never seen me naked you wouldn’t have a clue how much fat I’m still carrying around or where it is.  I will say that my current weight is above where the Canadian health guidelines say it should be by about 15 pounds.  I realize that those charts should be taken with a grain of salt because they don’t take into consideration what type of build you have.  Trust me, I am not carrying tonnes of muscle around and I’m pretty average as far as bone structure goes.  So yes, I can still afford to lose some weight.

Also if you had been reading you would know that I fully admit that I have a screwed up perception of myself, that I will never be fully pleased with what I see in the mirror and that I probably won’t notice if I go too far.  As I’ve said in several posts, I have a couple of dear friends in real life who are willing to be brutally honest with me and part of that honesty will be telling me if I’ve gone too far.

And last, your question ‘Do you really want to let yourself and your life be controlled by a fleeting cultural idea of what is beautiful?”.  Answer?  I will absolutely and without hesitation allow myself and my life to be controlled by health and wellbeing and how I feel every day.  If that happens to fall in line with the cultural idea that thin is beautiful then I’ll go with it.  To continue to speak only for myself, there is a REASON that my body has dropped 65+ pounds when I started to eat healthy foods and exercise regularly.  It is absolutely expected that if doing that causes weight loss then I had the weight to lose.  And if continuing to do that causes greater weight loss then I had the weight to lose. 

In future I would suggest that you not make assumptions based on an off the cuff comment in one post.  

As an aside, please note that in your original comment as well as the repost here, I have removed the link you left.  That woman is part of (or possibly completely responsible for) the Fat Acceptance movement which I feel is a load of malarky and I will not be responsible for sending anyone to her site.  I absolutely do NOT accept my fat.  It’s the byproduct of unhealth in both body and mind and it has to go! 

A Secret No Longer!

Every time I do two posts in one day, it seems that people miss the first one because they don’t scroll down….SCROLL DOWN!!!!

******************

I can’t stand it!  I am TOO PROUD of what I did yesterday to not mention it here.  I kept it a bit of a secret because I wanted to be completely responsible for my own decisions regarding this endeavour.  My sister knew about it (cause she did it with me) and a couple of people I know in real life knew about it, but for the most part?  It was a secret.  Well no more!

My sister and I ran the Harry Rosen Spring Run-Off 8k!!!!!!  Do you have ANY idea how big of a deal that is?  Huge.  HUGE!!!!!!!  Consider that 6 months ago I was 65 pounds heavier and a pack a day (pretty much) smoker.  And yesterday I ran the majority of 8 kilometers!  So ya, I’m pretty proud of myself!

I won’t give you a moment by moment break down because that will be very dull for you.  But I did get a couple of text messages during the run and there are some pictures for you.  The messages I’m putting on here because, once again, the support and encouragement that I receive is astounding to me.  Really, I’m flabbergasted!  And because I am the way I am, I must share them with you!

Shortly before the start ~ Friend A:  Enjoy your run and remember, whether first or last, you’re a winner for being there at all.  You’ve come a long way baby  (this message was so unexpected and sweet that it brought tears to my eyes!)

About 15 minutes in ~ Friend B:  Don’t be SOFT!!  (this may seem like not very nice encouragement but coming from him it’s exactly the kind that works for me and flips the switch in my head when I’m in the process of talking myself out of things.  SOFT is BAD!)

Exactly 30 minutes later ~ SHANNY to Friend B:  Six done…send motivation please  (this was the 6km mark and I thought I was going to expire!)

Friend B’s response:  Suck it up and run!   (and the immediate thought in my head?  “Yup, that works!”.  And so I sucked up the whining and I ran!)

So what comes next in my running career?  At this point 4km is about the furthest I can run non-stop without feeling too much discomfort.  So here’s the exercise plan (because there is a goal in mind):

Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday: 1km jog followed by interval training (fartlek) or hill repeats

Sunday:  4km run (I’ll do it during the day, relax!)

Tuesday, Saturday:  rest days

I have it on good authority that if I stick with the one big run day and then add a kilometer every 3 weeks that I should be in pretty good shape to run a 10k with little or no stopping round about the middle of summer.  The interval and hill repeats are suggestions from a running clinic and should help improve my cardio.  The main reason that I had to keep stopping yesterday was that my breathing became wheezy and unless I was willing to do a header into the ocean, stopping was the only reasonable alternative.  I tend to recover fairly quickly though and had no real problems starting up again.  So I’m guessing that the fact that I’ve only been quit from smoking for 25 days may have had something to do with that.  Plus, I’d only been doing the jogging for about that same period of time (a little less) so it’s no bloody wonder.  Again, I think I did pretty well all things considered!

OK, so now you get pictures.  Since wordpress was kind enough to increase our free webpage storage, the pictures are going right on here.

1.The Beginning

Here we are first thing that morning around 9am.  Race started at 10 so we stood around and FROZE for an hour!

2. Beginning Both5. Start Line That’s the start line…maybe this isn’t so scary!

3. Both Start Line Still too nervous to goof around though!

 

 

 

 

 

6. The End

Race over!  Makeup all sweated off…but happy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Harry Rosen Run Results And finally?  The results.  Chiptime is the actual amount of time it took from crossing the start line to crossing the finish line.  Guntime is how much time had elapsed from the starting pistol until you cross the finish line.  So if it takes you 15 minutes to even get to the start line then that 15 minutes is added to your time.  Apparantly that’s the way that it’s official.  Seems weird!

I Changed My Mind UPDATED

Remember how, since the beginning, I’ve been saying that I would let my body stop losing weight where it was happy?  Ya, I’ve changed my mind!  Tomorrow is weigh in and since I weigh every day I can tell you that if there is any movement on the scale it’s going to be very small.  Which doesn’t seem quite fair given the extraordinary amount of exercise I’ve gotten over the last few days. 

The problem is that I do not think there are many more adjustments I can make to Ye Olde Eating Planne.  I’ve pretty much come to where I’m happy and content but not over fed.  As mentioned a couple of posts ago there are certain things that I don’t mark down (such as anything less than a cup of berries or my tablespoon of flax seed each morning) where I believe that there are enough health benefits that they outweigh the caloric content of the food.  Just my opinion.  I stick pretty closely to 1250 calories/day.  The only thing I could probably be doing is adding food for exercise….yes, we’re back to that.  I know, it feels like I’ve written about this a hundred times and I’m certain you guys are getting sick of reading about it.  The problem is, how do I know if I actually AM eating enough and the scale just naturally has slowed down versus I am NOT eating enough and Body is hanging onto every little bit?  How does one know?  Without some experimentation it is very difficult to figure that out.  The problem with experimentation is that it takes a few weeks for the adjustments to show up and if I make the wrong call then I could have set myself back.  What ends up happening is that I stick with exactly what I’m doing now and then lament this again in a couple of weeks.  Brilliant!

I also think that a large part of the apparant slow down is due to the overwhelming DESIRE to be a certain weight by a certain date.  Once March Madness is over I’m going to have to reassess and see what is reasonable and then make a new goal because the mental stress of thinking about this all the time slows it down…it’s happened a couple of times already during this adventure.  I have a pretty major out of the country shopping trip planned for the first weekend in May and I really would like to be as close to my finished size as possible by then so as not to buy a bunch of clothes that aren’t going to fit for a while.  I think a more constructive thought process is to remember that I am already pretty close to what the end result will be, that May 2 is still over a month and a half away and that things can always be taken in if neccessary.  Yes, that’s what I need to be telling myself.  Because things have definitely slowed down! 

I was talking to a friend of mine this afternoon about whether or not there is ever going to come a point when it’s not just fat that I see in the mirror.  I mentioned that I was still wanting to lose another 20 pounds (trust me, it’s there to lose!) and he didn’t think that was neccessary.  Maybe it’s not neccessary but it is definitely where I want to go.  Without sounding like I have some kind of eating disorder, I need to see what that looks like.  I need to see what that feels like.  I need to get there.  I may not stay there but I do need to get there.  I’m going to do that via my continued healthy eating and increased exercise.  It may take a long time but I AM GOING TO GET THERE! 

UPDATE:  It appears that perhaps Ye Olde Portione Sizes are getting a little on the large side.  Since I eat the same stuff over and over I tended to stop measuring as much.  My eyes tend to measure things in more excess than my measuring cups and scale!  How did I not notice that????

March Madness: Success

My co-hort in this month long challenge did a post today that outlined exactly what it takes to make her successful (successful defined as a lower number on the scale each week).  And then she suggested that I do the same.  So here it goes.

I am most successful when I: track my food.  There are some things that I don’t write down anymore but for the most part writing it down helps me to stay fully on course.

I am most successful when I:  remember how far I’ve come.  It can become very microscopic day after day and it’s easy to forget that it isn’t just one day that makes for success.  While each day is important, it’s the overall effort that matters.

I am most successful when I:  pay attention and reassess on a regular basis.  What might have worked for me a month ago may not work anymore.  I am pretty vigilant about assessing my routines and habits to make sure that they are still working for me.

I am most successful when I:  throw a bit of challenge into the mix.  If I get bored or I find that it’s getting too easy I don’t FEEL as successful.  The feeling I get by challenging myself a little (eg. cutting out dairy, quitting smoking, pushing the exercise) is almost as important as seeing that number on the scale go down.

I am most successful when I:  am in complete control.  When there are no food surprises I am definitely the happiest.  Being required to eat out or having to eat off my self-prescribed program makes me nervous and uncomfortable.  That’s something that I will soon start working on. 

I am most successful when I:  talk about the whole process with people who understand.  That can be anything from blog posts, comments to other people’s posts, reading other posts, reading my own website and mostly, talking to a couple of very dear friends.

I am most successful when I:  pull it together and make a plan.  That one is a bit of a misnomer since I always have a plan.  I have not missed making a work lunch in 27 weeks and I’ve only forgotten that lunch at home ONCE (and then I drove alllll the way back home to get it so I didn’t have to eat off the plan).  I have not ordered out, ordered in or driven through in 27 weeks. 

I am most successful when I:  keep an eye on the negative self-talk.  I try to stay pretty concious of what is going on in my head and put a stop to it as soon as I notice.

Obviously all of those things don’t always come together at the same time.  But to get a couple of them going at the same time is a must for me to see consistent losses on the scale.  I’ll be interested to see what happens when the weight stops coming off when I’m done because I will have to find a new way to define my success.

Anyway, if you’re on board with March Madness, feel free to do this post on your own website.  And for the couple of you who do not have websites?  Feel free to do it in the comments right here.  The more the merrier!

*growls*

Take this bitchy little post with a grain of salt…I was happy and loving things about an hour ago…scroll down, you’ll see!

First of all, it is MARCH!  And allergies?  Already?  Are you f*cking KIDDING ME???  My eyes are so itchy I would like to pluck them out and put them in the freezer, just to relieve the agony for a minute!

Second of all, the last two days have not been good exercise days for Lady Shanny!  Not to say that I didn’t do it, I did!  But it felt like I was dragging a piano loaded with bricks along behind me!  Why are some days sooooo hard?  I know it’s not easy, but come ON!  I’m trying here!  I am trying and I am being outright betrayed by my body!  It just won’t go.  So tonight I came up about 50 yards short of my regular ‘you can stop running now’ point, I just couldn’t go another step.  And after a couple of minutes of walking and catching my breath I started to feel like a big failure.  And the drill sergeant in my head was yelling at me telling me to go back around (my route is circular) and do it again until I got it right!  Obviously if I come up short the first time around, I’m not going to be any more successful forcing myself to do it a second time.  I feel totally failure-esque for not just pushing through for the last 50 yards….but at the time?  There was no way I could draw another gaspy breath or take another stride!  What is UP with that??

And finally?  Boys!  The boys you DON’T want calling you won’t leave you alone and the boys that you DO want to hear from are completely silent.

*growl*

TiLT: Things I Love Thursday #1

I stole this from Tarable, who stole it from Comrade GoGo, who stole it from Gala Darling at iCiNG.  The idea is to do what amounts to a weekly love list outlining things that you love or are obsessed with at the moment.  So without further ado:

tbspa.jpg True Blue Spa “Take Your Sweet Time” body polish.  It smells like almonds and cherry and has the most incredible texture that makes you want to stay in the shower and polish your skin for hours!  It makes your skin soft and bright and the scent of the product, while incredibly sweet and YUM, doesn’t last after you get out of the shower so you needn’t worry about conflicting fragrances.  Check out the Bath and Body Works site for more info.

powerflax.jpg Red Square Bakery “POWERflax”.  It’s almost a perfect food.  I should mention that I only received this today but I already love it!  A friend dropped it off today and I sprinkled some on my chili tonight.  Adds a bit of crunch, does nothing to the flavour but does LOTS for your body.  All good fat, LOTS of fibre and the carbs and protein are very balanced. Check out all their products at www.rsquare.com

jogging.jpg  Jogging.  OK, that is NOT me in the photo although one day perhaps I will look that good from the back.  Since this is a TiLT list (the “L” referring to love, not loathe) I should be honest and say that I mostly love it.  I love it when it’s over, for sure.  I like it while I’m doing it most days and I certainly am loving the results.  It’s something I never ever believed that I would be able or willing to do but something that I’ve always wished I could do, especially when I was at my heaviest weight and most unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle.  So yes, jogging goes on the love list!

nano.jpg  iPod Nano.  Alright, I had to add this.  I had to add it because it goes hand in hand with the item right above it.  I absolutely would NOT do the jogging if I had to do it without my little nano.  Would not!  If you have an mp3 player and are apathetic about it, you leave it at home regularly, you let the battery die by accident or you forget to add new music to it then you don’t know what you’re missing.  Get the real deal.  Get an iPod and you will never, NEVER go back!

OK, that’s it for my TiLT list this week.  I’ll remember to mark things down as I think of them for next week.  I know that this is a fluff post and not the sort of thing you usually see here but I enjoyed doing it and sometimes it’s nice to switch things up a little.  Go TiLT on your own blog and leave us the link in the comments!

First Solo Week = SUCCESS

UPDATE:  I just came across this post on a website that I read and it brought tears to my eyes.  For every woman who has ever pined for an unavailable guy, who has ever hoped for too long and sacrificed for too little in return.  For every woman who hasn’t figured it out yet and for those of us who have all too recently figured it out.  Read THIS!!!!!!!!! 

Results page is updated.  Was I a little worried about my first solo week?  Umm…ya!  It’s always a little worriesome when you take something that has worked really well, ditch it altogether and still expect to get the same results. 

I’ve been pretty good with the scale, I don’t let it make me feel bad or control me.  I do get on it every morning and mark down the measurement in teeny tiny print in my daily log book.  I don’t use it for anything I just find the daily fluctuation interesting.  This evening’s weigh-in is the only one that makes it onto this site and it’s truly the measure of my success.  I realize that daily fluctuation is totally normal and it’s a good bloody thing that I realize that.  I weighed yesterday morning at 182 pounds and by this morning, my first day of ‘that time’ I was up 3 pounds.  Now, obviously I did not EAT 3 pounds worth of extra calories, nor did I become so sedentary in ONE DAY that I managed to not burn off the extra 10,000 calories it would take to actually put on 3 pounds in fat. 

What did happen was what probably happens every month.  In fact I find it incredibly interesting that while I knew that the monthly increase would happen, I had NO IDEA that it would happen inside of 24 hours.  That’s crazy!

So, since I am determined to not let the lack of WW get to me, I am setting little goals for myself as we go.  You may remember from last Tuesday’s post that I set the goal of losing 8-10 pounds by the end of March.  Well, subtracting what I lost tonight, I have only 5.4 – 8.4 pounds to lose to reach that goal.  Completely do-able!

A couple of little updates before I go.  Krystle, I have your prize package done, I just have to get a box made up for it…and since that’s what we DO at my place of employment, I will get that done this week sometime.  GoGo, yours is a little more difficult.  I didn’t realize that I could not load a Starbucks card with AMERICAN money here in CANADA.  So I’m going to have to figure out exactly how to do that…but it is coming.

Second, there is supposed to be a very big day coming up on Sunday but the nice people have not cashed my cheque yet and they need to do that before I can participate in Big Day.  Unfortunately I can’t find the number of anyone to call to find out. Big Day is on, confirmation email was received!

That’s about it for this evening.  I spent the last two hours of my work day in a meeting with my supervisor and while the meeting went very well, that kind of thing can be very draining.  I have a lot on my mind lately and I’m just working on making sure I stay as level and unemotional as I can.  Incidentally, someone commented today that I seem far more ‘serene’ (their word, not mine) and relaxed than I ever have before and they wanted to know why I thought that was.  I will definitely give that one some more thought at some point in the near future but for now I would just like to go to bed and sleep a dreamless sleep!

Oh…one more thing.  My mom, my sister and I are going on a shopping weekend to Seattle at the beginning of May.  I can’t freaking WAIT!!!!!  But since that’s so far away and a person needs something to look forward to, I have the following: 

March 9th ~ Big Exercise Day

March 30th ~ Date to go to Canucks game

April 5th ~ Hair appointment (color, baby!!)

There are other assorted little things that I’m looking forward to along the way but those are the big ones.

Night-night!

Ask Yourself The Question

At various points in life a person has to decide if the risk outweighs the reward or if the pleasure outweighs the pain.   

Exercise for instance.  For me, it is not something that feels particularly lovely while I’m doing it.  The fact is though, the pleasure I get in wearing smaller clothes, in feeling better and looking better far, FAR outweighs any discomfort that I may have while I’m doing it.  And let me tell you, some days are VERY discomfortable (yes, I know that’s not a word!)!  So the question is:  “Am I willing to only achieve a portion of my potential, just so I don’t feel any pain?”

How about smoking?  Does the irritation of craving a cigarette outweigh the reward you get for not smoking?  Does that temporary itchy feeling need to be scratched so badly that you put yourself back to square one?  You know that the feeling passes and you get back to normal.  You know that the itchies get fewer, farther between and less intense.  And yet in the moment it’s as though you will never feel normal again.  So the question is:  “Am I willing to experience temporary discomfort for permanent gain?”

How about weight loss and calorie control?  Does the desire for a piece of cheesecake mean more to you than the desire to drop extra weight?  Does the way your clothes fit make you happier than eating half a pizza?  One provides instant gratification and the other takes longer to realize, is harder work and possibly more uncomfortable, depending on your original reasons for wanting that pizza.  So the question is:   “Does the instant satisfaction of running wild have more value to me than the longer term satisfaction of achievment, control and discipline?”

How about your job?  Does the risk of laying your cards out on the table outweigh the reward of getting what you’ve wanted all along?  On the one hand you’re opening yourself up to be trampled on and to have your world shaken up.  On the other hand you are moving toward what you want and that is always respectable, no matter what the outcome.  So the question is:  “Does the pleasure of safety outweigh the pain of monotony?”

In all of the examples above, the same series of questions could have been used:   “Am I happy where I am or do I want more?  To get more, do I have to do more?  If doing more is uncomfortable or risky, am I willing to endure it for the end result?  Does the pleasure of my success outweigh any pain it took to get there?” 

A Letter to my Body

This is an idea that Tarable passed along to me in a comment.  The idea originally came from BlogHer.  Click the BlogHer link for details.   


Dear Body,

6 months ago I would have started this letter by attacking you for the way you looked and the way you felt. I would have asked you why you felt like you had to torture me so much of the time. I would have told you to get it together and I would have blamed you for all my problems and all my failures. I wouldn’t have taken any responsibility for what I’d done to you or what I’d let Mind do to you. The fault would have landed squarely on your shoulders.

The thing is? I realize now that it was never your fault. The ongoing conflict between you and Mind created a lot of the dissonance that brought about the negative feelings and appearance. Mind has never been nice to you, I realize that now. I realize that I should have stepped in far more often when Mind was picking on you and making you feel so terrible. I realize I let Mind convince me to do things that were just disastrous for you. Every time I let Mind get the upper hand, you felt like I didn’t care about you and that just compounded the situation.

At times when it was necessary for me to protect myself you were willing to take the short end of the stick and do what needed to be done to make sure that I felt safe. Even though we both know that the concept was illogical and not well thought out, you didn’t complain about the situation even though I know that the extra weight you were forced to carry was hurting you terribly.

Regardless of all the pain and fat and illness that I have inflicted on you, when I decided that it was time to start making some changes, you responded with gratitude and the commitment of a winner. It seemed that you were so happy about what was going on that you were willing to make the changes I wanted at a really rapid rate. It’s obvious that you’re still holding on to some resentment about past events but we’ll work through that together. You’re starting to get really good at piping up and explaining what you need and Mind is getting much better at relaying those messages promptly and in a positive manner. You and Mind are finally finding a way to work together for the common purpose and for that I am eternally grateful!

Sometimes when I look at you now I am amazed at how beautiful you are and I feel sick about what I did to you. There are still parts of you that definitely need some extra time and attention to recover from so many years of mistreatment, but overall you are lovely. Your eyes are big and bright and blue, you have amazingly soft skin, you are proportioned nicely and a lovely feminine shape is starting to appear. I’ve realized that what I need to do is help you to be the best that you can be without trying to compare you to anyone else or cram you into a mould.

So Body, given that we are now getting to common ground, we should set out guidelines so that we can refer back to them if we ever start to stray from each other.

THINGS WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO AGREE ON

1. We have to exercise. You need the exercise so that you can lose the extra pounds you’re still hanging on to and to maintain your size when all the excess weight is gone. I need the exercise because it makes me feel good to know that I’m doing what is best for you. I promise that on the days when Mind is trying to talk us out of it that I will intervene, if you promise that on those days when you’re just not feeling it that you’ll try a little harder so we can be successful together.

2. We can’t eat garbage. You have certain needs that are fulfilled by healthy, whole foods with little or no processing. You, I’m sure, would be the first to admit that when I give you too much food or not the right kind that you don’t feel well and you don’t really appreciate that. I’ll admit, sometimes Mind can be really persuasive and occasionally it gets the better of me. As you’ve seen, I try really hard to stay in control for both our benefits but I apologize in advance for the instances that get away from me. Most of the time I think I do a pretty good job for us.

3. I know that you don’t like being looked at and you are very uncomfortable with most people getting too close or touching you. We need to work through that though because not everyone is out to hurt you and always having to be aware of who’s around and how close they are is stressful and wears on your nerves. In order to help you out, I will make note of the situation and the people involved and I’ll let you know if you need to get worried. If you can try to trust me, I will do everything in my power to not let anything bad happen to you again. I know that trusting me is the last thing that you probably want to do given past events but we have to move on so you’re going to have to try. OK?

4. I will keep practicing listening to you but you have to understand that sometimes what you think is terrible is, in actuality, not that bad. We cannot keep dropping everything as soon as you feel a little under the weather or uncomfortable. That’s not the way life works and you’re going to have to buck up a little and learn to deal with it. I promise to always make time to let you relax and recover from the stresses of life, but you have to stop shutting down every time things don’t go your way. That is not OK. The more times you cry wolf, the weaker and less in control we look and that is not good for either of us. We’re stronger than that so let’s pull it together!

THINGS WE WILL PROBABLY ALWAYS DISAGREE ON

1. That you are small enough. I know that you’ll tell me when you’ve gotten as small as you’re willing to get. You have to understand that I don’t think I will ever be completely happy with that. It’s human nature to always want what you don’t have and I’m no different. I do promise not to be mean to you about it though, we’ll just agree to disagree and still work together to be the best we can be and to maintain our overall health.

2. That you are pretty enough. I do what I can to make you look as nice as possible (although it has come to my attention that I need to work on that). I know that how you look is how you will always look (give or take) and I accept that. I will never be rude or mean to you about what you look like but you have to understand that, again, I will never be completely happy with it either.

I think that’s about it, Body. We’ve had some rough times over the years but I really feel that through our hard work and committment, we are turning the corner and things should be much better from here on in.  As long as we keep communicating with each other and striving to do only things that are in both of our best interest, we should be just fine!

Sense of Style

As it turns out, I don’t have one.   😕

It’s a bit of an odd explanation as to why I do not have any fashion sense but probably a story that a few of you are familiar with.  As a person who has been overweight her whole adult life (and part of her teenaged one), the stores that I had to shop in and the caliber of that clothing was marginal.  In fact, the area that I live in has 2 decent plus-sized stores which are both wildly overpriced and both stock the exact same stuff.  If it doesn’t exist in either of those stores there is nowhere else to go.  So being somewhat limited in the choice of clothing does not breed a sense of style that readily. 

Add to that, that most of the time it wasn’t a question of whether or not the item looked nice it was whether or not the item fit.  If it fit, I bought it.  If it fit and looked alright, that was just a bonus.  If it fit and was ugly, I chose not to notice.

Now I’m not fat anymore (mostly) and it came to my attention today that my choice of clothing can be on the somewhat marginal side.  Since my head still has to catch up with my body, I was actually surprised that the reaction to today’s outfit was so negative (in a ‘your friend just wants the best for you’ kind of way). 

I left work early today and headed out to buy new jeans.  That’s all I was looking for.  New jeans.  At the time that I started shopping I still did not see anything particularly wrong about the jeans that I was wearing (besides the fact that they were a little too short and a lot too big).  But overall?  I really thought that they were alright.  And then I started trying on jeans.  What I discovered is that the jeans that I was wore to work today I was embarassed to put back on and walk around the store in.  I tried on about 5 pairs in Liz Claiborne and liked one.  I tried on about 8 pairs in Guess and liked one.  I tried on about 15 pairs in The Gap, liked lots and loved one.  The pair from Guess and the pair from Gap came home with me although one pair will be returned after I get the final opinion tomorrow. 

After the jeans shopping I decided to poke around and see what else I could come up with.  After all, I was already in the mall (yech!) so why waste the trip?  I got a couple of shirts from Jacob and a KILLER deal on a black trench coat.  Also, a couple of pairs of shoes.

A few things struck me during my outing.  First, I don’t actually hate it as much as I thought I did.  I suppose you tend to always hate something that you are not successful at and when you’re fat, the mall is like standing in a river and dieing of thirst!  Since most everything that I tried on actually fit, I felt wildly successful and didn’t get to ‘freak out’ stage.  Not the entire time…which was 5 hours

The second thing that struck me is that I have no concept of how big (actually, not big at all) I am.  I figured that the Guess jeans would be cut small so I grabbed a 12 and thought I could always go up a size if they didn’t fit.  Ha!  Down a size, missy!  Even after I figured out that I am a size 10 or 31 in jeans and medium to large (mostly large) in tops, every store I went in after that I still chose the 12 or the 34 or the XL.  Talk about not trusting yourself!  I also spent a great deal of time looking at myself in the mirror during this trip, in various states of undress.  I realized just how upset and frustrated and disgusted I used to get when shopping because I was being forced to acknowledge something that I spent a lot of time hiding from and trying to hide from other people.  Things aren’t perfect in naked-Shanny world, far from it.  But it is a hell of a lot easier to look in the mirror now that it ever has been.  In fact, it was brought to my attention by a couple of store clerks that I am very slow trying things on.  I don’t think it’s that I’m slow as much as that I’m actually looking at myself in the mirror.  I wonder how many women just take a cursory glance and then move on to the next item?

It also struck me just how hugely overweight I was before.  As of today I am officially down 12 sizes in jeans.  12 SIZES!!!!  I am now a 10 and in September of last year, when I started this, I was a 22 and they were on the snug side.  Do you understand now why my head is having such a hard time catching up?  I kept thinking during my shopping outing, “Just how fat WAS I???”. 

And last, it struck me that I am completely clueless about what I should and shouldn’t be wearing.  I know what looks outright bad but the rest just falls into grey area.  There are things I find that I love but I don’t know if they ‘go’ with anything that I already own and I’m not sure if they are completely off the deep end.  Safest is black pants and a top of some type but that gets boring after awhile.  I tend to pick the safest items and not take any risks as far as different types of clothing.  I’m also reticent to pay very much for the clothes right now because there is still weight to lose and that means that things will not fit properly forever.  The thing is, as my dear friend said, what I wear should be doing something to compliment all the hard work that I’ve done.  I do agree that the clothes that I wear should be flattering and lovely and not be the focus of any attention.  I agree that the clothes should get me noticed but then not be distracting.  How I go about that I haven’t the faintest idea!  I never believe the clerks in stores, they are not going to tell you that something looks terrible.  I can’t trust what I see in the mirror most of the time and the number on the tag is not indicative of whether the item looks decent on me.

I’m going to have to do some practicing because I have a USA trip planned for May and there will be some serious shopping going on.  I can reasonably expect to be mostly done with losing weight by then and anything else will really just be toning up and adjusting.  Anything after May shouldn’t really affect the fit of the clothes too much so I’m planning to spend some money.  This trip could go one of two ways:  I could amaze myself and find good stores and good clothes and good clerks and be very happy by the end.  Or I could buy all the wrong stuff, get it home and hate it or get it home and ‘someone else’ hates it and be out a bunch of money since I can’t really return the stuff.

OK, I have to stop dissecting this one now and get out and do my jog.  Please note that there will be no Ask Lady Shanny tomorrow because I’m zipping into the US with my sister first thing in the morning.  When I get home in the afternoon I have something to do and then hockey in the evening.  Sorry, that’ll be two weeks in a row that there has been no advice!  You guys seem to be doing alright though!

Stumped

It’s not even like the words are there and won’t come out.  There’s nothing there right now.  At all!  I have nothing of interest to write about.

This tends to happen when I am consumed with a new part of my plan and I am completely consumed with the jogging portion of the plan right now.  I amaze myself every night when I get dressed and go out and do the exercise.  I always said that I was not an evening exerciser.  Who was I kidding?  I wasn’t an ANYTHING exerciser before.  And now, when I’m already at home and cozy and relaxed, I put on work-out clothes and go outside (sometimes in the rain) on purpose and exercise.  It’s crazy!  This whole thing is crazy!  Me trying on a jacket and choosing a medium is crazy!  The reactions that I’m getting from men is crazy!  Me jogging over a kilometer at a time without blacking out or throwing up is crazy!  And then doing it again the next day is even crazier! The SO different way I feel and think is crazy!  The number on the scale that I haven’t seen since I was a teenager is CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

Like a friend said today, I’m the new and improved Shanny.  Not so much ‘new’ because a person doesn’t really change, but definitely improved. 

Actually, I was thinking about my success the other day and what I thought is that from the start I acknowledged my flaws and limitations and worked within those.  I planned for the things that would sink me and I made other arrangements.  As I’ve gone along week after week and month upon month I’ve paid attention and learned things about myself and my body and made adjustments where needed for those things too.  I think what’s key to my success is that I have not made myself miserable with anything that I’ve done.  I never force myself to eat things I don’t like, I avoid certain trigger foods, I made changes to my basic plan as I was ready for them and didn’t push myself too far out of my comfort zone all at once.  Because of that, I’ve never really suffered or felt deprived or tortured.  And that’s why I think that this thing is going to be successful well after all the excess weight is gone.  Because it’s not something I’m doing TO myself, it’s something that I’m doing WITH myself, with all parties in agreement.  One of the goofiest things that I think about is my napping.  It is a known fact that I loves me a good nap; a long nap, under the covers with no time limit.  I often think about the fact that I am aiming to get fitter and slimmer and that napping is not really condusive to that.  But then I think that if there was some kind of rule that said that I had to give up napping in order to be successful, I really would be miserable and tortured and whatever I was doing wouldn’t last long.  I know it seems silly to bank an entire lifestyle on a lazy past-time, but that lazy past time is as much me as the color of my eyes.  To try and change who you are when deciding to lose weight and increase fitness is a losing proposition.  It is my opinion that those who are the most successful when making any kind of shift are those who never try to alter who they really are but instead work to finesse certain aspects of their life.

Hunh!  I guess I DID have something to say after all!

Some Winning, Some Losing, Some Quitting

The Results page is updated. 

Alright, I think I’ve tortured you guys quite long enough.  Are you ready to hear who won the contests?

The Ask Lady Shanny contest didn’t end up being quite the motivator that I had hoped it would be but I did get some really good questions from you guys.  The winner by random draw is Comrade GoGo.  It’s actually quite fitting that she won because the column was her original idea!  The draw was random though.  Congratulations GoGo!

The Comment Contest was far more successful and in total there were over 200 entries.  The winner by random draw is Krystle.  Congratulations!

Both winners should send me their real name and mailing address so that I may forward your prize.  Comrade GoGo is the winner of a $10 Starbucks card and Krystle is the winner of a prize package that is still being put together.  As mentioned for that one, it’s going to be an assortment and all things that I love.  Once Krystle has received the package perhaps she would be willing to leave a comment telling what was in it so as not to ruin the surprise for her.  Please, do not leave your name or address in the comments, you can use the Contact page or the Ask Lady Shanny page.

OK, that’s out of the way, moving on to this week’s weigh in.  If you’ve been following along, you know that this was my last Weight Watchers weigh in.  I keep saying it because I want people to understand that this is not about quitting or giving up or calling it done, it’s simply because I am not getting anything out of it anymore that is worth $16/week.  I purchased my own scale last night and weighed on it immediately after I got home from the last WW weigh in.  New scale weighs exactly the same as the WW scale so we’re good to keep going with no adjustment.

The weight loss itself is clearly slowing down and even though I don’t understand it, when I step back and take a real look at the numbers, I truly do not have a lot of weight left to lose.  To get to my ‘WW goal’ I have less than 15 pounds to go.  That’s not a lot.  I’ve said this before too, I will not be stopping when I get there, but will carry on eating healthy and exercising daily and wherever my body chooses to stop losing weight is where I was meant to be.  I don’t know what that number is going to be but I’ll be patient and diligent getting there.  That said, I would really like to be down 8-10 pounds by the end of March.  I think that by having a concrete goal instead of this airy-fairy goal is going to help a little, at least I’ll know where I am aiming.  I could just set my goal as 174 which is the ‘end of the WW road goal’ but there is no time frame on that.  At least this 8-10 March goal is reasonable and time dependant.  If I don’t make it there, that’s fine, it will still be a good way of keeping on course.

So how am I going to do that?  Well, it’s been a secret long enough, I suppose.  Again, if you’ve been following along you know that I quit walking to work and then was having a huge struggle as far as finding consistent exercise that didn’t make me miserable.  I found my new exercise, jogging (on the street rather than a track) and have fallen a little bit in love with it.  I’m able to do more than I ever thought I could and it makes me so proud of myself every time I do it.  I like the feeling while I’m doing it and I love the feeling when I’m done.  I truly believe that this is what I’m supposed to be doing right now.  It might not last forever, it might be temporary like the walking to work was.  But I’ll take it while I have it and do the very best at it that I can!

So far every second day I’m jogging around 1.5kms and walking 2 and then on the in between days I’m just walking the whole thing at a very brisk pace.  I have it on good authority that I need to take any increase in speed and distance slowly and carefully to avoid any kind of injury, so that’s what I’m doing.  I’ll keep on with this arrangement of time and distance until March 9th.  Then I have a big exercise day (it’s a secret for now) and after that we’ll see where I am and how I can move forward.

I’m also going to make a slight adjustment to my meal plan and try to get more calories into the beginning of the day up to and including lunch and then less in the afternoon and dinner.  Being the complete GEEK that I am, I’m going to figure out some way to chart that so that I can see it on a daily and weekly basis.  Apparantly you are supposed to eat 75% of your daily calories before dinner and then nothing after dinner unless you are truly hungry and then a small snack that does not interfere with sleep.  Going to bed hungry is BAD!  Did you hear that Carey?  It’s BAD and counterproductive and can actually cause you to heal slower if you’re ill or injured.  Sleepy-time is your body’s recovery and replenishment time and not having enough fuel in you to do that makes it harder or impossible.

Anyway, I’m going to have to spend some time over the next few days figuring out how I’m going to adjust my caloric consumption throughout the day.  I’ll let you guys know if I have a breakthrough on how that’s going to work…or if I come up with the chart, I’ll share that too.

That’s it for me this evening.  I’ve been sleeping like CRAP these last few days and I’m exhausted.

Cosmic Joke, NOT Funny!

I’m totally drained (which it seems is a theme today amongst the blog-women that I read).  I have some stuff on my mind that is bothering me and I’m smack dab in the middle of Fourth Week.  Also, for whatever reason I have not budged on the scale over the last week.  Some days I think I’m eating too much and being too ‘lax’ (even though the most I’ve gone into the negative is 2 points in a day) and other days I think I’m not eating enough for the amount of exercise that I’m getting.  How does one figure out which it is?  Fourth Week is not a good week to be mucking about with changing calories nor is the week that follows FW, only because neither are a good indicator of what’s actually going on.  And yet tomorrow is my last weigh in with Weight Watchers and I would really like to go out on a loss.  I bought a scale today so that I could carry on my merry way without paying to go and stand on the WW scale.  I think my new one is probably pretty accurate but we’ll see for sure tomorrow.  And as I said before, the end of WW is not the end of my plan.  It’s just the end of PAYING for my plan.  I’ll still weigh at the same time each Tuesday and post the results here (I may weigh naked tomorrow and use that number, just to make myself feel better).

I had a terrible sleep last night (I woke up a couple of times, once standing at the side of my bed with the bedroom light on, my heart racing…not sure exactly what’s up with that!) and woke up completely out of sorts and feeling like my life is just some big cosmic joke and the laugh is on me.  That is not a great feeling, let me tell you.  I’m not going to get into it here because it has nothing whatsoever to do with the theme of this website.  Also, it’s a personal issue that I’m not completely jazzed about sharing with the whole world (no offense!).  I know in the past I have written some pretty personal stuff here and you guys have all been so wonderful about making me feel better and giving me your insight.  The thing is, this is currently going on whereas the other stuff was in the past.  I have a hard time discussing my current personal events at all so this one stays in the vault….for now.

I should be going outside to walk my route this evening.  I doubt that I will get out to do it tomorrow evening and I know that even though I’m feeling like it’s the last thing in the world that I want to do, it’s probably THE time that I need to go and do it.  So I’m going to go plug my bed in, do some dishes, go for my exercise and then come home and have a sweet coconut scented shower and get in my cozy-warm bed where I will hopefully sleep uninterrupted until morning.

Finally, the contest.  I know who the winners are but I really want to do a good post with the prizes and the announcement and I’m totally not feeling it today.  So stay with me.  The names were drawn this morning by someone I work with and I have them here.  Be patient!

Product Review

Do you ever have those days where even before you leave the house you know that you are going to be a menace to society?  That you are going to be short with clerks and impatient with other shoppers and just generally a bitch?  Ever have one of those days where everything you touch turns to sh*t?  You become buttery-fingered, things that you go to pick up become entangled, you can’t find exactly what you’re looking for in the instant that you want it and then you flip out?  That was my day today.  Granted, I’m at the beginning of Fourth Week and this is the first time I’ve had to manage FW while also being a NON smoker.  Does that absolve me of being a jerk?  No, but it certainly explains it!

Once I got home I knew I was going to have to keep myself busy or I was going to end up chewing my way through my house.  Unfortunately, when you’re this crabby, it becomes a little harder to make yourself do anything.  That said, I did spend some time blog-walking, I made my lunch for tomorrow, I did some dishes and I cooked some rice. 

So having run out of things to do and not being interested in watching TV, I figured maybe I would start listening to the CD that I was sent.  If you missed the post about that, ultimately what happened was that I received an email from a marketing company saying: 

We’re currently working with SkinnySongs founder and lyricist, Heidi Roizen, to communicate with high-quality bloggers about her album entitled, “SkinnySongs.” It is our hope that you’ll be interested in receiving a copy of the album for review on your blog.

I agreed to participate and have been waiting for the CD to arrive.  It came earlier this week and to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t holding out that much hope for the CD, even though Heidi Roizen and the CD have both been featured on the Martha Stewart show.  Anyway, they sent me the CD with the understanding that I would listen to it and then review it here so I figured I’d better get at it.

As it turns out, I am an ass!  The CD is remarkable.  The songs are catchy and mild and easy to listen to.  In all honesty, they won’t be winning any Grammy Awards as there is not a lot of depth to the music (it reminds me of easy listening country music).  It’s the lyrics!  Holy Hannah!  On today, one of the most unmotivated and self-sabotaging days that I have every month, these songs put me right back in the correct mindset.  They are honest and real and true.  The whole time you’re listening you’re getting constant positive encouragement.  You’re replacing the negative or self defeating thoughts you might be having with more positive ones (Eg.  “you’re the boss, not the food, remember that with gratitude”).  I liken it to having a good conversation with someone in your support system.  It’s a musical conversation that renews your motivation and reminds you why you’re putting in all the effort and the sacrifice.  It’s like having someone stand in front of you and keep telling you that they believe in you and that they know that you can do it! 

I quite like this CD and would encourage you to pick yourself up a copy for those days when you’re not quite feeling the right vibe.  I do have one small critisism though.  It tends to come up a bit shy on the overall picture of both health and thin.  The songs are all about looking good, becoming thin, liking what you see in the mirror.  The lyrics encourage watching what you eat and getting some exercise.  They mention that it won’t always be easy, that it’s a long, slow road and that the reward at the end is totally worth it.  All of those are important messages but the thing that they don’t mention at all is anything to do with your health.  I would have preferred to hear messages about how losing weight and getting exercise will improve your overall health while also making you look fabulous.  It’s not all about what a person looks like in the mirror, we can be skinny and still be incredibly unhealthy.  The idea is to drop harmful excess pounds while ALSO improving your health and physical fitness.  

Overall, an excellent project that I think will help lots of people stay on track and get back their motivation if it’s run off for a bit!  Good job, Heidi!

You can go to http://www.skinnysongs.com/ to read more about the project and also sample the music. 

Quick Two Things

First, the comment contest is over, as is the Ask Lady Shanny contest.  I will do the draws for both on Monday.  I meant to do the draws today but I have to print out the names at work because I have no printer at home.  So don’t think that I forgot, I didn’t.  The draw will be done on Monday.

Second, Ask Lady Shanny is taking a short hiatus and will be back next week.

Stuck? Maybe Not!

Are you all losing as much sleep over my exercise dilemma as I am?  Since I quit walking to work to save my sanity (surprisingly, the same reason that I started walking to work) I’ve been stuck in exercise limbo, doing a little here and there but nothing consistantly or enjoyably.  I hate, hate, HATE my eliptical trainer and can hardly squeeze out 15 minutes (and that’s if I get on it at all).  I thought perhaps it was the issue of being outside so I decided I would start going to the track and learning to run.  That was almost as much of a hassle as the walking to work and infinitely more boring so I only did that a couple of times.  I decided that perhaps it wasn’t an outside issue as much as a boredom issue so I thought I would watch DVDs while I rode the eliptical trainer and maybe that would make it better.  Nope!  Big, fat, NOPE!

As I was sitting here tonight after dinner feeling lethargic and frustrated and overall displeased with my effort of late, I decided that instead of bitching about this all the time (and trust me, I’ve been doing some hardcore bitching) I’m just going to have to suck it up and incorporate it into my routine.  In fact, everyone that I’ve talked to who exercises regularly has said pretty much the same thing. It’s something that one has to do and so you just go and do it.  You may not love the actual act of doing it but you like the results and you know it’s important so you go do it.  Plus you should feel very accomplished and disciplined when you’re done…especially on the days you don’t want to do it.

That said, I thought I would try one more thing before I gave in and sold my soul to the eliptical trainer.  That one thing?  Genius!  Gold!  Exactly what I’ve been searching for!  I got a sweaty, hard-breathing 30 minute cardio workout and the time flew by.  I didn’t hate any of it, I pushed myself a little past what was comfortable and I got it done.  I didn’t LOVE while I was doing it but it actually felt enjoyable in a “wow, I’m totally impressing myself” kind of way.  I’m not going to tell you what it was yet because in a silly way I don’t want to jinx myself.  I’m not sure what exactly made it different but it certainly was.  It might have something to do with the fact that I didn’t set foot on the eliptical and I didn’t have to GO anywhere or plan anything.  It might be because I am now 8 days into my new smoke free existance and what would have killed me 8 days ago might be slightly easier?  I have no idea.  I don’t actually care.  I feel no need to examine the why.

So cheer for me a little tonight when you go to lay your head on your pillow and sleep soundly knowing that Lady Shanny is back in the game, exercise-wise!  😉

More Random Thoughts

Random Thought #1 ~ I had to work quite late this evening and I was reminded of a really simple thing that can throw all the best laid plans in the crapper.  The more tired I get the less control I have.  I didn’t screw anything up but I definitely had a harder time avoiding negative self-talk and definitely had a rough time keeping my portions under control when I finally had dinner.  For me, being tired messes with my resolve, it messes with remembering my reasons for doing what I do and it messes with my committment.  It’s crazy how something so inconspicuous could potentially mess up so much!

Random Thought #2 ~ Something else that I’m having to get used to (and yes, I’m sure there are worse things) is having people (guys)…um….how do I say this without sounding egotistical….looking at me.  It’s happening far more than I’ve ever been used to and I’m not really sure how to take it.  On the one hand it’s certainly nice to have all your hard work appreciated.  On the other hand it feels totally strange for me.  I was having a conversation with one of the guys from the floor today and he made some comment about my having ‘secret admirers’ out on the floor.  We were going through the names of some of the guys who I already know would be interested in dating me if I was willing and it started to kind of freak me out.  Without getting into too much detail, I’ll tell you that positive male attention has always made me feel like I am then indebted to the person and so they can pretty much do/say what they like.  That obviously is not acceptable nor particularly healthy.

One of the things that I am really going to have to start working on is how I allow this kind of attention to affect me (or not).  Since I can remember, I have always let that kind of thing swallow me up and then things start to spin out of control.  Certainly up to and including the recent past, I had not learned my lesson.  Now I’m very, very aware of what can happen if I let my head get foggy and if I let go of the control I have over the situation.  I will have to be very diligent about keeping things under control and giving them the right amount of attention. 

I am naturally honest about how I feel, mostly because my face gives me away.  I don’t generally feel the need or desire to try and hide how an action or a comment makes me feel.  When I try to counter that to protect myself, I can end up looking a bit flighty because I’m always doing it after the fact.  So one day you get me all excited and laughy and happy and the next time you see me I am perhaps a little more distant.  I get a little freaked out that I may come to enjoy someone’s company or value their opinion and then they disappear and I’m left behind, looking pathetic and feeling foolish.  That freaks me out!  If you never admit that you need anyone else then you can never be hurt when they go, right?  That’s the logic, as twisted as it may be.  The problem with that theory is that you have then manufactured an environment where you have avoided the hurt of being left but you’ve created a new hurt of being alone.

I know I’ve rambled a bit away from the first part of this Random Thought.  The synopsis is that I’m getting and going to get attention from guys because I look different than I did.  I need to be very careful how I let that attention affect me because I am prone to getting into situations where I feel like I forever ‘owe’ them something for it.  And finally, now that the attention is coming and there is a possibility that I will not be alone forever, I need to somehow start letting out a little rope at a time so that I can value someone and ‘need’ them and not be paranoid that when/if they leave that I’m going to be left looking like an idiot.  

Looking like an idiot or looking foolish or feeling pathetic, those are all together a driving fear that govern a lot of my actions and quirks.  The thing with it is that it’s a very obvious display of weakness to have a personal relationship (friend or otherwise) with someone and let them see that they affect you.  It’s like putting a big “You can hurt me” button on your forehead that they could potentially press at any time.  Again, it all comes back to trusting that the peson is not going to push that button on purpose and that if they do push it by accident that they are going to feel badly about it. 

Does any of Random Thought #2 make any sense?  I’m having a really hard time explaining what I mean about the looking and feeling foolish thing.  Picture it like standing in a wide open room with someone.  That person is there with you to laugh with and chat with.  That person is there to protect you if needed and you are there to take care of them as needed.  You both move around and do your own thing in the room but your paths cross often and the other person is still there if you need them.  And then that person disappears.  You are now left standing in a big, empty room all by yourself, completely vulnerable and alone, any sense of stability and consistency swept away.  Anyone who might have been looking through the window at the ‘relationship’ that the two of you had, can see what it meant to you and they will be able to figure out that you are now hurt.  That freaks me OUT!  Given that, it is sometimes much easier to create an environment where you never come to rely on anyone else because then you aren’t hurt when/if they go.  Again, there is a problem with that and it is that you then would never have the joy of a true friendship or the warmth of meeting someone else at heart-level.

It’s all very scary to me.  So scary that I often wonder if I will talk myself right out of ever letting someone in.  I lament the fact that I’m single and yet I do very little to change that.  I have tended to choose people who are unavailable or inappropriate for me because there is no risk of my actually being required to take a leap of faith.  That’s what it’s going to come down to though.  You can only protect yourself and make someone else prove that they are trustworthy for so long before you finally have to just close your eyes and leap and hope you don’t break your neck. 

Random Thought #3 ~ The ‘people looking at me thing’ started this Random Thought too.  OK, so guys are looking at me, some of them are outright staring at me.  Aside from being weirded out because of Random Thought #2, I find it strange because when I look in the mirror I still just see the fattie that I was.  Obviously I can see that I’ve lost weight and that I’m smaller overall (and in some of the wrong places) but for the most part I don’t see a difference.  I don’t think I’m one of the ‘pretty people’.  I know I have nice eyes and a decent smile and I have the occassional moment when everything has come together but I don’t think that is reason enough for the loads of attention that I’m getting.  I wish that there was some kind of fee that you could pay or pill that you could take so that for just a moment you could look at yourself completely unbiased and see what other people see.  It’s hard because any friend or relative that most of us have are biased and are going to tell us that we’re beautiful or pretty or cute.  And people who are not your friend or family member are not going to have that conversation with you.  Until the pill gets made or the fee gets paid though, I suppose I may have to rely on my Most Honest Friend.

Random Thought #4 ~ Download the song “I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys.  I think it’s been around for quite awhile but  she has the most incredible voice and the lyrics describe the kind of love that I want.  I want the kind of love that makes you smile every time you see the person.  I want the kind of love that makes the person actually miss you if they haven’t seen you during the day.  I want the kind of love that is fun and serious, huge and small, everything and nothing, all at the same time.  Here are a couple of the lyrics (in no particular order)

“Some people think that the physical things define what’s within”

“Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all if I ain’t got you”

“Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything, but everything means nothing if I ain’t got you” 

“Hand me the world on a silver platter and what good would it be, with no one to share, with no one who truly cares for me”

Tuesday Update (UPDATED)

Alright, the results page is updated.  I’m pretty pleased with the result this week considering that I threw everything for a loop by quitting smoking.  Still down though and that’s all that matters.

As for the smoking?  It’s going really well and I don’t think about it all that often.  When I have the worst time is if I’m bored in the evening or when my frustration level at work goes up.  Other than that I’m not suffering at all.

As for the weight loss?  I think I might be starting to see a slow down in the losing.  As I said in an earlier post, I haven’t cut any more points/calories and I am still feeling content and satisfied.  I’m not sure if the losing is slowing down because that’s what happens or if it’s because of the quitting smoking.  I didn’t do anything different this week than I have in previous weeks so I’m not exactly sure what’s happening.  It’ll be interesting to see how this all plays out over the next couple of months.

That’s it for me this evening, I have to go and clean up dinner, make my lunch and get to bed.

Update:  Alright, some things that I didn’t mention before.  First, there are now two charts on the results page.  The first one is the one that you’ve seen this whole time.  That one is now filled up.  It is devoted to the first 60 pounds.  Now there is a second chart just below it.  This new chart is going to take us through the final 20-ish pounds.  It has the WW goal marked on it as well as my goal range.  Just so you know, that ‘goal range’ is where I can reasonably expect to end up and spend the rest of my ife.  I might not get into it and I might surpass it (although I very highly doubt that), I truly have no way of knowing at this point.  It’s curious and I suppose we’ll all find out together. 

Also, I think my days of attending WW are drawing to an end.  I truly believe that there is no longer any value in it for me.  It’s $16/week to go and stand on their scale.  Please don’t think I don’t know how valuable that service was in the beginning.  It has been HUGE for the last (almost) 6 months.  It was motivation and excitement and completely neccessary for my success.  Now?  I’m strong enough to do this myself.  I’ll get a scale and I’ll weigh once/week and record the results.  But I don’t feel that I still need to pay or go to the meetings.  I’m not getting anything out of it AT ALL and sitting and listening to these crazy women wax poetic about 100 calorie packs of baked lays is driving me nuts!  Also, my goal of health overall and improving physical fitness are not supported (or truly encouraged) at the meetings so it feels a lot like going to an alcoholics meeting…I have no interest and it has no relevance in my life.   I had considered waiting until I had reached my goal so that I could be a lifetime member and show up if ever I needed the accountability or the motivation, but I would then have to wait, not only until I get to 174 or lower, but also add 6 more weeks of maintenance on top of that.  All of that equates to probably another $350+ before I’m done.  I’m just SO not willing to keep forking over money for something that is no longer providing me with value.  Again, at the beginning if they would have decided that it was $30/week I would have happily handed over the money.  But to everything a season and my season with WW has come to an end.  I’ll go to WW one final time next Tuesday so I can calibrate my home scale (which I suppose I will have to go out and buy before then) and because that week will be the final week in my weigh-in book and I like it when things are completed.  And then I will thank WW for all it’s done for me and move along in my own way.  I will still be following the points/calorie counting plan, I will still be writing down what I eat and how much I exercise.  The only thing I won’t be doing is showing up to the meetings.  Okay?  Alright then.

One interesting thing to note about the way that the weight loss is progressing.  I was moaning about it possibly slowing down at the top of this post so I thought I would see if that is actually true.  The first 12 weeks I lost an average of 2.816 pounds/week.  The next 11 weeks I lost an average of 2.036 pounds/week which is a difference of a little over 3/4 of a pound/week.  Not that I’m freaking out about that, I’m not!  I just thought it was interesting.  In fact, because I am so infatuated with charts, here’s one showing how the average weight loss per week changes each month.  As always, click to enlarge.  Once it’s put in chart form it’s very plain to see that the average loss/week is actually decreasing as the months go by (not exactly sure how to explain that second month though…).

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I Wonder……….

I wonder if I will ever be one of those people who actually likes exercise?  Or am I the type of person who will continue doing it because I have to and I like the results, but actually hate doing it?

I wonder at what point I will become less critical of myself and how I look?  I wonder when I’ll stop seeing a fat girl when I look in the mirror.

I wonder if all the effort and practice that I’ve put into becoming a better person will ever become second nature?  Or will I always be fighting against myself?

I wonder how I will adjust when I’m in a relationship?  I wonder if whoever I date is going to be tolerant of all my quirks without making me feel bad.

I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable having the weekends be unrestricted as far as food goes?

I wonder if I’ll ever feel comfortable not keeping big chunks of my life a secret. 

I wonder what I’m going to look like when all the fat is gone.  I wonder what the number on the scale will be.

Seriously?

Hi blog world.  I sure hope I still have readers after the jerk post that I wrote on Saturday morning.  Are you guys still there?

I’ve been spending quite a bit of time staring these days.  I can’t have a smoke, which isn’t too big of a problem (surprisingly) and I can’t sit here and eat snacks and junk, which isn’t too big of a problem.  But being turned away on both fronts has given me a really restless feeling so I end up sitting here just staring, waiting for the ‘urge’ to pass.  Overall the quitting has gone really well.  I’m into Day Four which means that all the nicotine from the last 11 years has already left my body.  Now it’s just the psychological that I have to deal with and it’s not going too badly. 

I’ll be interested to see how the weigh in turns out this week because not only have I been incredibly diligent about watching what I eat because I refuse to gain weight from the quitting but when I get bored of sitting here staring, I go and exercise or take a nap, both of which preclude eating.  For instance today I have already done my interval running training, taken a nap, worked on the eliptical, and done situps and push ups twice. 

On a completely unrelated note, I went to the Canucks game last night with a customer, his girlfriend and one of our salesreps.  We went for dinner at the Sterling Room first (formerly the Captain’s Club) which is a buffet.  I wasn’t super impressed with the food but the atmosphere was lovely and the dessert table I could have stared at for hours.  The game was incredibly rowdy but somehow we managed to win it even through all the penalties and fighting.  Since I was at GM Place I thought I would zip down to the Authentix store and pick up a ‘present’ that I owed myself from quite some time ago.  One of the things that I wanted to get myself when I lost 40 pounds was a Canucks t-shirt.  Just a plain navy t-shirt with the logo on it.  I had never gotten around to going down there to get it so last night seemed like a perfect opportunity.  Seriously?  It’s a good thing that I never made it down there.  The t-shirt that I bought is beautiful, but even as an XL it barely fits.  How bad would I have felt 20 pounds ago to get that shirt home and not be able to wear it?  It’s quite ridiculous really how small the women’s sizes are.  If I’d been thinking I would have bought a men’s small but I really just wanted a nice, girl’s fitted t-shirt with the Canucks logo on it.  And now I have one.  Fortunately for me there is still quite a bit of shrinking that I plan on doing so I’ll hang on to the t-shirt.  Here, take a look at it…the silver writing says “Don’t go through life without goals” and then in teeny print it says “Go score some”.

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Don’t Accept That! (UPDATED)

Ask Lady Shanny is updated.

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I’ve taken down the Fat Acceptance post that you saw here.  What I wrote and what I meant didn’t even come close to meeting up and it came across as rude, self-righteous and intolerant, NONE of which I meant.

 I would have just removed this post altogether, but there are some good comments that are worth reading.

My last thought on this subject for awhile is this:  There is a difference between BODY acceptance and the Fat Acceptance movement.  There are some people, some websites who preach that there are naturally thin people and naturally fat people and if you happen to be in the fat category, all the exercise and calorie watching in the world is not going to help you so you might as well just accept that you are going to be fat forever and quit stressing out and wasting your time.  THAT is what is absolute BULLSHIT! 

I apologize if my first post about this offended anyone, that certainly was not my intent.

I Quit!

That’s right, I’ve had it.  I quit, finito, no more, niente!

Before I get into the meaning of that though, let me just say that I am feeling infinitely better than I have been over the last few days.  I’m still incredibly stuffed up and still have the delightfully obnoxious cough but overall?  Aces!  I should mention that if you are so stuffed up you can’t breathe, getting on the eliptical trainer for 20 minutes and exercising at a speed equivilant to that of a ground to air missile is not advisable.  Not!

OK, so the quitting.  One of the things that I have always been slightly shameful of is that I smoke.  Yup.  Say it.  Idiot!  Over the last few days of being dead, it was difficult to breathe let alone smoke and the cough that threatened to crack my ribs was not helped in anyway by puffing on a cigarette.  So I haven’t smoked in a few days….or I should say I haven’t smoked MUCH in a few days.  Today, since I was starting to feel better, my sickness induced quit was wearing off rapidly.

And then it was like a light bulb went off in my head.  If I don’t quit now, today, right this very second, officially and forever, I will never get past the point I’m at right now.  Weight wise, health wise or relationship wise.  I realized that I had to decide whether I would be happy to have gotten part way there or if I want to get all the way there.  I know that if I gave up getting all the way to where I want to be in favour of smoking, I would never be able to respect myself.

 I recently read a book (Allen Carr, EASYWAY) and it outlined the following:

1.  Smokers are actually drug addicts.  It is not a ‘habit’ it’s a drug addiction and only by realizing the seriousness of it can it be conquered.

2.  Cigarettes don’t actually DO anything for you.   The only thing that happens is that the cigarette relieves the slight withdrawal symptom created by the nicotine leaving your body from your last cigarette.  As soon as you put the current one out you are going to be back in the exact same position in about 45 minutes, give or take.

3.  The actual withdrawal from nicotine is actually very mild and almost un-noticeable, akin to a slight empty feeling that can be confused with hunger.

This is obviously just a really brief rundown on the content of the book but hits the major points. 

When I started the weight loss thing, there were moments when I wanted to crawl out of my skin because all I wanted to do was come home and eat.  I know that feeling very well and it is incredibly strong.  But I beat that one and I’ll beat this one.  I refuse to be defined or guided or compelled to do anything by an inanimate object that is filthy and unhealthy and truly? Disgusting.  It also hurts my pride a lot that important people in my life think less of me because of an idiot choice that I made as a teenager and continue to perpetuate as an adult.  No more.  Not this woman!

I know that it won’t be all puppy paws and rainbows, I’m not deluded like that.  I know that there will be rough moments and probably a good headache or two, but I’m equal to the challenge.  I have goals that are not possible if I continue to be a smoker.  I love the weight loss, I do (and I’m not quite done yet) but I am driven right now to improve my physical fitness and see how far I can push myself and I can’t do that if I keep smoking.

On the weight loss note, am I scared I’ll put on weight?  No.  Having done WW for this many months now, I know exactly when to expect to be hungry and I know exactly what and how much I should be eating.  The only thing that causes weight gain is eating more than you burn and I have no intention of doing that.  Yes, cigarettes raise your metabolism but the increase is so slight that it hardly even registers in medical research.  Not worried.  Nope.

I  know that you will all support me and wish me all the best however I do not want to get into any discussion about this.  I don’t want to hear stories about other people quitting or how hard it is or how long you’ve been quit or how many times you’ve tried.  I don’t need advice or recommendations or website addresses.  While I appreciate all that for the rest of this website (and you KNOW I do!) I am not interested in any discussion on this front.  I just wanted to let you know what was going on.  Please don’t be offended but the only comments that I’m interested in seeing (if you feel the need to post one) is “Good Job” or any short and sweet variation therein.

One More Thing:  One of the things that I’ve always had that saved me from having to prove myself was smoking.  As a fat person, exercise was not something that I ever considered, moreso because I was a fat SMOKER.  By shear force of will, I have been able to remove some of the fat and learn to exercise in spite of the smoking.  But I’m still not on the same playing field as everyone else and I want to be.  What that means though is that when we’re all on the same level, I may still not be good enough.  I’m finally alright with that.  All I can do is my best in any given situation.  Right now my attention is focussed on evening things back up and getting rid of my last excuse.

Boo Boo Baby

Results page is updated.  Considerably better result than last week!

Please forgive the utter belly-aching that is about to go on here.

I am not usually the type to ask for help.  I do it when I absolutely have to, but I don’t like it.  I tend more towards the do-everything-myself-even-if-it-would-be-easier-to-let-someone-else-help-me variety of thinking.  Why am I thinking about this right now?

Because I am sick.  And I don’t like that I have to still do everything myself.  When even the thought of getting out of bed with this monstrous headache makes me feel sick to my stomach, I still have to do it.   The dishes still need to be done, dinner isn’t going to make itself, laundry doesn’t fold itself and get put away by magic.  I still have to do it because if it’s not me then it’s not getting done.  (yes, commentors, I realize that I don’t need to neccessarily do everything all right now, some stuff can wait until I get better, that’s not the point) 

It makes me sad in a pathetic kind of way.  So pathetic, in fact, that I was hesitant to write about it here because there are people who know me who read this.

I don’t NEED to be taken care of, I am perfectly self-sufficient.  Right now?  I wish more than anything else that there was someone here who could pick up some of the slack.  Someone besides me who would do the dishes.  Someone besides me who would make oven roasted potatoes for dinner.  Someone besides me who would remember to turn the electric blanket on before bed.  The quote “I don’t wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone” breaks my heart and yet is completely true of what I’m feeling right now.  I want someone to give a crap that I feel like death. 

When these things crop up, these desires that I have that are not currently being fulfilled, it hits home again that losing weight does not solve all of life’s problems.  I think it’s probably the same as when they say ‘money doesn’t buy happiness’.  Now, obviously I would like to be given the chance to prove or disprove that one for myself.  But losing weight does not change the fundamentals of who you are or what your life is like and I have had the option of proving that one.  Sure, it may seem like some things change.  What I believe actually happens is that certain parts of who you already were are uncovered and let out into the light and other parts are sent back into the wings where they belong.  I don’t think anything truly is different.  So yes, my clothes fit differently, I’m overall healthier (current illness notwithstanding) and more relaxed and I look about a bajillion times better.  But I’m still alone, I’m still doing it all myself and I’m still occassionally very unhappy about that.

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