Farewell

May 6, 2008 at 6:57 pm (Uncategorized)

Instead of putting up a weigh in today I’m going to do something a little different.  I’m bidding this website and you all a fond farewell.  I obviously have some sadness about closing my website since it’s been a huge factor in everything that I’ve done over the last eight months.  The thing with it is that with every pound that I’ve lost I’ve gained something as well.  I got my confidence and my spark for life back.  Mentally I cleared up a lot of old baggage, some of which I wrote about here, much of which I did not.  I’ve made my peace with a lot of what took place in my past and with that peace I have been able to learn from those circumstances and now move forward.  I am no longer tortured by those instances and so I am able to assign them only the value that they deserve and leave them where they belong, behind me. 

So much of what I did over these eight months taught me things that will only serve me well for anything that comes up in the future.  Through the weight loss I learned that you give your best effort and then you wait for nature to take its course.  That’s all you can do, anything that you force is not going to last and it’s not going to be as rewarding as what you wait for.  Through the exercise I learned that you can’t quit every time things feel slightly uncomfortable.  There is so much to gain from pushing through discomfort and to not allow yourself the pride that comes with that perseverance is a shame.   I learned that it’s alright to not always have all the answers or to have everything figured out.  I’ve learned that actions speak louder than words, both mine and other people’s.  I’ve learned that change is not the worst thing in the world and that a little discomfort won’t make me burst into flames.  Most importantly I think, is that through a close friend I learned to place my trust carefully but fully.  I learned that there is a huge reward in doing that, a reward that I never would have discovered were it not for him. 

I don’t presume to have everything all figured out, not by a long shot.  I still have questions and uncertainties and I’m still learning how to be the best version of myself that I can.  I still have things to finesse and goals to achieve.  What I also have is the strength to do that without having to rely on the crutch that this website was.  I’m a visual person and I think of it like a pendulum of sorts.  I was so far to one side that when I let go and started making some changes, the pendulum swung back the other way, hard.  For the next eight months it would continue do the same thing but gradually slow down.  I don’t believe that the pendulum ever stops moving (nor should it) but it has certainly come to a much more relaxed and centered swing.  That center is where it is possible to have setbacks or rough days and still be able to cope and behave in a way in which you are still respecting yourself.  That center is the place where, more than anything else, I am the most myself.  When I feel things swinging out of control I need to bring it all back to here.  I can do that now, I know what it feels like and what I have to do to get here. 

It’s a harsh thing to say (and I don’t presume to take the credit for this thought!) but there is nothing left for me here.  I can’t grow by staying here, as comfortable as it is.  It is only by letting go of certain safety ropes and taking some calculated risks that I can build my future.  This website and how honest and forthright I’ve been was a calculated risk when I began and every person that I know in real life to whom I gave the address was someone that I was taking a risk in trusting.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that as nice as it is to stay in one place where it’s safe and comfortable is actually part of what I was required to ‘recover’ from.  Staying where it’s safe at the expense of living life is, in fact, not safe at all.    

I say that I no longer need to rely on the crutch that this website is but I definitely am not flying solo just yet.  I have a particular friend (I think I might have mentioned him here now and again! 😉 ) who has essentially been holding my hand and leading me along the path this whole time.  No doubt all the work to do what I’ve done has been mine but he’s been there in a way that I can never fully explain.  One of the saddest things about this current situation is that our friendship has to change.  He’s been trying to tell me this for quite awhile and I didn’t understand it at the time.  He’d always said that his happiest moment would come the day I no longer had time to call or text message him.  I finally understand what that means.  I finally understand that it’s not him trying to make me feel bad or suggest that he doesn’t value the relationship that we have.  It’s perfectly clear to me now that it really is the best case scenario and an indication that I am achieving what I’ve been working towards.  It kills me inside though, it really does.   It feels like one thing has to come at the expense of another, that if I want a relationship of my own, if I want a life of my own where I am a central character then I have to let go of our friendship a little.  I have to let that friendship change in order to grow my own future and that breaks my heart. It’s already started though, whether I wanted it to or not.  Over the last little while he has been starting to let go, to stand back a little more.  Maybe it’s a conscious choice on his part or maybe it’s just the natural flow, I’m not sure.  I do know that I feel slightly adrift without that shelter.  I realize though that keeping things exactly the same is the equivilant of hiding behind fat.  It’s safe and secure and I know exactly what it feels like.  That’s not what I’ve worked so hard for though.  So I will take a leap of faith and trust that while the dynamic may change the fact will remain that we have a friendship that is solid and built on trust and honesty and that will never change.  Carey, never in life have I had a friend like you.  I know that you and I have talked about this before, how our friendship is a bit one-sided as far as support and guidance goes.  You don’t need from me what I have needed from you and that makes for a bit of an odd situation.  I don’t for one second believe that our friendship is any less because of that lopsidedness.  I owe you more than I can ever express, more than I can ever repay!  I am forever in your debt and you are forever in my heart! (and to your beautiful wife, “Thank you! In every way and for everything!”)

So what does the future hold for Lady Shanny?  Everything.  I hesitate to tell you all exactly what’s going on right now since I won’t be here to follow it up and that just doesn’t seem right to me.  What I can say is that I have “happy” in my sights.  It’s not all going to be rainbows and puppydogs, I’m not deluded.  But the happy that I’m getting to is a full-life one.  It’s not dependant on anyone or any one thing.  It’s a combination of doing the right things at the right times and letting everything work out in time, just as it’s meant to.

You all have been the most amazing support and you all have a hand in whatever success that I’ve had and will continue to have.  The life that I’m building is possible in part thanks to you!  The comments that you left and the emails that you sent and even just seeing you as a counted visitor to this site on a regular basis kept me going many a day.  You guys have taught me that there are real people out there who can care about someone that they’ve never met.  You guys have taught me that being honest and open is scary but so totally worth it.  Some of you have called me an inspiration.  Maybe I am but you all inspired me more than I ever dreamt was possible. 

If you want to stay in touch please mark down my email address:  ladyshanny at (gmail.com).  I’ve left the comments open on this post since it’s only fair to give you guys the opportunity to say good bye as well (I’ll still be around to read them).  And if you don’t feel like it, that’s fine too.  Please know that you have all meant so much more to me than I can ever express!

It’s with a heavy heart that I hit publish on this post and walk away.