That’s all I’m doing right now and I think it’s going to be frightfully boring to read about (and yet I’m going to do it anyway).

I feel like I have this small reprieve of time to figure some stuff out and to get some stuff done before things are going to start moving along again.  I have until May 2nd to get another 10 pounds off and buy a bathing suit (Spring Forward, but don’t worry I’m not demoralized if I don’t get there) before I go shopping in Seattle.  I know that might not seem like a big deal but I’ve got some pretty specific clothing needs that I need to fill and that means that the 3 days that we’re there are going to be pretty busy. 

I have until April 19th to really get straight in my head how I want the next little while to go with the person that I’m seeing (he’s out of town until then).  I think it could go a couple of different ways and I’m waffling between them.  I think if I let it that it could get pretty serious pretty quickly.  While there are some aspects of that which appeal to me it’s perhaps not the most sound route to go, emotionally speaking.  I need to remember the mistakes I’ve made in the past and not let them reoccur and that is going to take some diligence on my part.  On the other hand this is a trustworthy person who honestly seems to like me and from that perspective it makes those same type of mistakes very unlikely.  This could also just all stay very casual for quite a long time and that is probably the safest route to go.  I’m not sure what I want.  I know that it can’t go speeding along physically because I have to be comfortable with everything before it happens but aside from that I’m just not sure.  The term ‘take it slow’ means more for me than just what happens behind closed doors.  For me it means how much I’m willing to let someone really get to know me.  It means how quickly I’m willing to let the real me show through.  There are parts of me that have been firmly locked behind closed doors and while this past year I’ve been cracking those doors open a little there are still definitely some things that haven’t come up (partially by design, I suppose).  Things that will come up when someone else is that close to you.  When they see you regularly or meet your friends and family they are more likely to end up finding out the little things about you that make up who you are.  Those little bits and pieces that I tend not to let go of might need to be let go of and handed to someone and that scares the wee out of me! 

I know that there are people reading this who think that I will overthink this thing to death.  Just so you all know, I don’t spend every waking moment agonizing over it.  But when it comes time to write these pages this stuff definitely comes up.  A friend said to me that often if you have to talk yourself into something then it’s likely not the right decision.  I agree with that to a point.  I have had to talk myself into everything this past year and they have all been the right decision.  Since I’ve spent so much time hiding or avoiding anything that made me uncomfortable, I have to talk myself into doing the thing that might feel a little scary at the time.  So yes, I may be trying to talk myself into having a relationship (there, happy now?!) with this person, but it’s not so much that it’s the wrong person, just that if I don’t consciously decide to do it then I will always pick the safer route.  And for me, the safer route is not always the right one.  Sometimes the right choice is the one that makes you feel the most scared.  Again, I can compare it to running.  Would the safest choice have been to sign up and pay for an 8k run before I had ever run a step?  No.  It was a decision that I had to talk myself into and then was scared about the entire time leading up to it.  But it opened a door for me that otherwise would not have been opened.  It made daily running something that I knew I could do and have done since.  So is letting myself get a little emotionally attached to someone the safest choice?  No.  But it could open up doors for me that might otherwise stay closed for an unknown period of time. 

I have a couple of weeks to decide.  I already know that I will take it very slow as far as the physical aspect goes because there is no other choice for me.  But I might consider letting myself be a little bit vulnerable and giving up a little piece of me to this person sooner rather than later.  (or, failing that, I might just hide under my blanket for the rest of my life)

One last thing, ladies.  Do you want a little bit of spa every day?  Go tanning!  Seriously.  It’s alone time, it’s warm and it smells fantastic.  And if I might make one small recommendation from a very knowledgeable friend?  Splurge on the expensive tanning lotion.  It’s worth every single penny! (if you are not a proponent of tanning, that’s fine….but please don’t feel any need to tell us all how bad you think it is for you!)



  1. Bev said,

    April 7, 2008 at 6:42 pm

    Tanning lotion??? Really?

  2. Lady Shanny said,

    April 7, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    LOL! Yes yes, tanning lotion! I will fully eat my hat now! Especially since just a couple of minutes in the bed today WITH the tanning lotion was more effectual than the entire week that I’ve already gone without the lotion. And it makes me smell like vanilla sugar! Hat eaten. Happy now?

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