Fusspot!

There are some things that make me fidgety and uncomfortable to talk about in person.  Those things make me just as fidgety and uncomfortable to write about, only you can’t see me.  As sad as I was about the loss of my website over the past couple of weeks there was a teeny little voice in my head that said “Sweet!  Now you don’t have to worry about writing about ‘that’ stuff!”. 

Now that the website is back under my control I’m going to have to start making steps down that road because it’s my one last big area that I need to work on.   

<long pause while Lady Shanny sat here and stared at the screen for so long that the laptop powered down>

I really, REALLY don’t like talking about the intimacy stuff.  I’ll do it but it makes me fussy!  The dumb thing about writing about it is that I can hardly bring myself to do it even if no one else ever has to see it!  Potentially I could write it and then never publish it and yet I can’t bring myself to do it.  What is UP with that?  I have such a hold up about appearing vulnerable and weak that I won’t even let me see it? 

Fusspot!

The thing with this current….um….I’m not sure what to call it….dating thing I guess, is that I am being forced to look at upcoming conversations and events and make some decisions about them and what I’m going to do.  I know that I am not comfortable with the full-on intimacy that most people are fine with!  Right now, that is.  To be true, I was not comfortable holding hands with anyone until not so long ago either but now I’m fine.  To be true, I was not comfortable with someone rubbing my back until the other day and now I think I might miss that in the next couple of weeks.  Even from a friend perspective, I was not comfortable talking about certain things without wanting to change the subject or disappear into thin air, and now I’m getting better at it. 

I sort of compare this with my running.  I remembered the other day that if you always put in the exact same effort you will always get the exact same results.  If you never push your boundaries then you never improve your endurance or strengthen yourself.  Right now with the running I’m trying very hard to get up to 4k x 4 days/week and to do that I’m pushing just a teeny bit further every day.  Far enough to be beneficial but not so far that it’s killing me.  As I do that, the distance that I am completely comfortable doing gets longer and easier.  If I push just a teeny bit more every day then I will eventually get where I want to be.  Sure, some of it may make me slightly uncomfortable but not so much so that it is not feasible to keep going.  Could I go from 2k to 8k from one day to the next?  Not likely without getting disheartened or injured.   So I am going to apply that theory/logic to my issues with affection and intimacy.  To be fair, the fact that I am not currently comfortable with upcoming steps does not mean that I never will be.  It all is going to take time. 

This whole ‘Relationship Road’ is so scary to me but what I need to remember is that I am a different person than I was.  I’m older and wiser and smarter and more confident.  I’m not the young, naive girl that I was back then.  I know what I want, I know what I don’t want and while it might make me fussy and uncomfortable, I am willing to do what I need to do to make sure that I don’t let things spin out of control.  Sometimes in the moment it is easier to turn a blind eye to things that might be making me nervous or to avoid conversations that make me blush or get me fidgety.  In the long run I know how that turns out and it isn’t good.  I’m going to have to suck it up sometimes and say things that I don’t want to have to say because if I don’t then I’m not doing myself any justice.   Remember my friend who keeps telling me not to be soft?  I finally get it.  I finally get why he’s been pestering me about that.  If I’m being soft and letting things get out of hand, then who is in control?  Not me!  I need to be in control as far as I am concerned.  Not in control of everything, just in control of me.  When I give up that personal control then everything else is given up too and everything that I’ve worked so hard for disappears!  So no, I will not be soft and avoid things because they make me uncomfortable or fussy. 

There are things that I know I want.  For example, one of the things that I’ve mentioned on this site before is the desire to have someone to snuggle up next to at night and wake up next to in the morning.  The desire for that is strong enough that in the past I have jumped ahead to where I wanted to be and missed out on the building blocks that are neccessary for making it work.  There is a certain order that things need to be done in and part of those things are the conversations that make me nervous.  Part of that sequence is to make sure that I am doing everything in exactly the right order and not a moment before I feel comfortable doing it.  Doing things in order must give the whole thing a value that it wouldn’t have otherwise had.  It must be a way to increase the investment of both parties equally.  There must be a reason for the order and while I don’t know for sure what it is, I’ll be damned if I’m not going to follow it this time!  I don’t know how long this current ‘thing’ will last.  I don’t know how far I’ll ultimately feel comfortable going with this person.  I don’t know the answers and I’m alright with that (most days).  I do know that I will still stick with the right steps at the right times because it can’t hurt to start building myself some history that is not shameful or hurtful. 

*big sigh* 

The posts that I write usually have a good flow to them and there are connections between different sections to tie it all in but because this was so hard for me to write in the first place I’ve left it as it came out.  Were I to start editing it now I would doubtless be deleting more of it than I am publishing.  So my apologies for the choppiness, you’ll have to bear with me while I practice thinking about and writing this kind of stuff.

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3 Comments

  1. Bev said,

    April 2, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    ‘Fussy’, what a good word to describe your feeling.
    Good analogy with your running. Stay the course (in both areas) and you will come out a winner.
    Kuddos for posting this very difficult subject.

  2. Randilin said,

    April 3, 2008 at 11:47 am

    I have a really good friend who it sounds like has many of the same issues and intimacy as you do. For her it comes and goes one moment hug is fine the next it’s not.

    Don’t let it tie you down, or control you life. Take your time and let things work out and build up to what your comfortable with. I know it worked for my wife.

  3. p4pretention said,

    April 3, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Slow and steady wins the race. (I, of course, mean that in the profoundest way possible, and not in the cliched way.)


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