Canvas

OK, I’m going to stop going back and forth on this website issue as of right now!  Yes, I was upset and sad that I had “ruined” what I have here by letting my address get out by accident.  And yes I was as much as mourning the loss of a sounding board and support and comaraderie.  Yes, I thought about moving to a new address, of getting a pen and paper and going totally private, of going to subscription only on this site.  I thought about it all.  And then, thank heavens, my dear friend came back from holidays and said in no uncertain terms what I had been skirting around and waffling about.  I can’t let this website die from the teeny off-chance that I might be being read by people I had never intended on seeing this.  And yes, it would have been easier if I had just not been a careless twit…but I was and now I have to move on.

And where I’m moving to?  Right here.  I’m not running away.  I’m very good at that, you see; running away when things freak me out or get too intense or require too much from me.  These last years of my life I have spent a good lot of time running away from thoughts and from people and from situations that scared me or made me uncomfortable.  And what did I get for my trouble?  Not a hell of a lot, that’s for certain!  I ended up fat and alone and incredibly unhappy.  So to run away from a teeny possibility that makes me a little squeamish when I have so much to benefit from by staying?  No!  I have learned from my mistakes and I’ve learned from the last 7 months that I am stronger than the need to always be fleeing!  So I am going to stand my ground and live my life and write about it all in the same way that I have been doing all this time.  A very smart 15 year old said today that this website is my canvas to express my media.  My media has and will always be writing and I plan to keep doing it right here.  OK?  Good.

I really think that my lack of writing has made certain things get all bottled up and then they weigh me down.  Literally!  For 5 days straight I stayed at exactly the same weight which was 0.8 pounds above where I left off from last week’s weigh in.  Yes, I know that is almost an insignificant amount of weight and could probably be attributed to water or salt or some such thing.  I sometimes wonder though if the weight of thoughts and the heaviness of heart have any effect on the scale.  For me to weigh in for 5 days straight without budging an ounce is weird.  I’ve also been having the hardest time with my running training.  I know there are good days and bad days for running but I just could not make it happen and I started to get discouraged and frustrated and teary about the whole thing.  I wondered if I was just setting myself up for failure or if my goals were so lofty that I was crazy to think that I would ever be able to achieve them.  What I think it was, as weird and unscientific as it may be?  The lack of somewhere to vent plus the sadness of loss as soon as I opened up these pages made for a miserable, heart heavy week in which very little could go right because I was the catalyst driving it into the negative.  Does that make sense? 

Moving along.

I came to the realization today that it would be incredibly easy to become completely wrapped up in another person before you even knew what was going on.  For me anyway.  I’ve always said that I either like someone or I don’t.  There is no middle ground with me.  If I like you, I like you a lot, I care about you and what’s going on in your life, I want you to be happy and I’ll do anything I can to help you get there.  If I don’t like you, I could give a crap about any of that and my face will usually give that away.  That said, it can be hard for me to maintain a certain amount of reservation where boys are concerned because I tend toward the same type of behaviour in those situations as well.  I become invested pretty rapidly whether you’re a friend or a friend+ and it goes completely against my nature to behave in any other way.  I’ve noticed that I have been, in a way, lieing to myself about certain feelings so that I can keep from becoming overly emotionally involved right off the bat.  I got to wondering today if that was even an acceptable defense mechanism or if I need to acknowledge what the feelings are and then find another way to cope.  Is denying what you’re feeling the same as running away from a situation because you don’t want to/can’t deal with it?  I think it might be.  I do know that I have to be particularly careful about getting wrapped up in another person because it can blind me to the stuff that I need to be paying attention to where I am concerned.  It’s a distraction when you don’t want to deal with things and that’s not any better than using food as a distraction.  The obvious goal would be to intertwine with someone else rather than be completely eclipsed by them and that is something that I think I might always have to keep in my consciousness.

One of the things that I’ve spent the last few days trying to deny is how unfulfilling it would be to be single and alone for the rest of my life.  I’ve always said that I would rather be single forever than settle for someone who wasn’t solid gold (yes, I know everyone has their flaws…you know what I mean!).  In my adult life I have engineered the opposite sex right out of the picture.  By falling for unavailable/inappropriate men, by letting myself put on that protective layer of fat, by constantly running away from everything, I made it so that I wouldn’t feel the good parts: the affection, the contentment, the knowledge that someone out there in the world cares about you JUST because you happen to be who you are.  I felt the bad parts: the sadness, the rejection, the depression and the heartache.  And you know what?  It was easier to deal with the bad parts than it is going to be dealing with the first taste of the good parts.  Those good parts when they break, burst into a million tiny fragments; shards that are designed to hurt for a long time.   Avoiding the good parts altogether is avoiding the possibility of that torture altogether, the only problem being that you can only accomplish that in a couple of ways: constant running or some type of self protection.  I’m done running away and I’m done protecting myself like that.  I’m put back together from what may have been a more broken version of myself and I’m ready to deal with the good parts and the possibility that it might hurt. 

I’m not there yet, some stuff still scares me and some stuff still makes me uncomfortable.  I’m still not completely adjusted to this new body I have or to the new way in which people will look at me or touch me.  I’m still not totally onboard with being completely unprotected emotionally.  I still have a hard time trusting people.  I’ll get there.  I have some of the dearest friends a person could ask for to walk parts of this journey with me.  And I have this website.  I don’t presume to compare text on a webpage with the love and support of incredible friends, but if you look at it as the canvas that my very young friend said it was then it becomes something more.  It becomes my life’s story and I’m figuring it out and writing it one day at a time. 

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4 Comments

  1. Bev said,

    March 31, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    Wow! That was a lot to hold in and not write about. I would be very curious if your running gets easier and the scale moves down. Glad to have you back 🙂

  2. Carol said,

    March 31, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    Thank goodness you are staying !(and writing!) This post has been so open and honest, you have come so far. You are an inspiration to me, thanks again for sharing.

  3. marieclaude said,

    April 1, 2008 at 12:41 am

    I was getting worried as well, worried that you’d stop writing here! Goodness, you’re back 🙂 You write beautifully and it’s incredible how you’ve been growing throughout the process of the last months.

  4. Marueze said,

    April 1, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    My goodness, you certainly peeled alot of layers this post. They say once you lose the weight you start dealing with the emotions so you are right there right now. Seems like you are still right on track and making progress. & Ditto to all my co-commentors they took the words out of my mouth.

    🙂


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