So The Cleaning…

How many days have I been at this?  Cleaning every nook and cranny, tossing stuff I haven’t used or looked at, vacumming under furniture, polishing appliances.  And you know what it is?  It’s a crutch.  It’s a way to do something for distraction.  I have been craving a cigarette like CRAZY this evening because that is something that I used to use for distraction.  I’m already well entrenched in the eating plan so gnoshing isn’t even a consideration and now smoking isn’t either.  I’ve already done my run, made and cleaned up dinner, packed my lunch, picked out tomorrow’s clothes, remade my bed and started on my spare room.  And you know what I’m left with after all that is done?  My thoughts.  The stuff in my head that’s swirling around.  The serious stuff.

I’ve lived in a self-created bubble for the last 8 years.  I engineered my bubble to only have me in it, completely safe and unharmed.  And then one day I decided to pop the bubble and re-enter the real world with all of its hazards and scary bits.  (fortunately there are so many great things that counteract the scary bits)

I know that some of you are going to think that I am overthinking this particular situation and in a way I might be.  First of all I’m not used to doing nothing, to waiting to see how things are going to go.  I’m a do-er and a create-er and a manipulator (not in a bad way!).  I have always needed to try to control everything and make sure it’s all working out either exactly how I want it, or failing that, as unharmfully as possible.  This waiting to see?  Drives me! 

I got this on MSN from a friend of mine tonight: 

“but you need to decide what you want in life. And if it’s been awhile for you and dating you may have put things behind you because you didn’t think they were possible. If you think you want them then pull them out of the closet and have a damn good look at them!”

Well great!  Since you put it that way!  In the same conversation I also got this statement:

“a relationship with no future is not neccesarily a relationship with no value”

So which is it?  Have I had a tiny taste of what I’ve always wanted and now I’m going to have to make a decision and possibly send it away?  If what I want in life differs from what this person wants/is willing to give longterm is it alright to agree on that, know that there is an expiry date and then just let it go on as long as it can? 

There is quite a major stumbling block right from the get-go in this situation which makes all of these questions important in the early stages of this.  They don’t all need to be answered right this second but I’m supposed to have some clue as to what I want out of life by the time that they come up. 

I’m not good at this stuff.  And to be honest?  I don’t like it!  For now?  I’ve been trying to stay uninvested but I think that might be the wrong approach.  I am invested because I happen to like this person and it’s disrespectful to myself to keep denying that.  What I definitely do have to figure out pretty quickly is how far those feelings go.  Like I said before he is very nice to me and courteous and interested in me and sweet and it makes me feel content inside to think of myself as part of two people.  I just need to make sure that those feelings aren’t taking the place of or overpowering my feelings for the actual person.  I know that after a particularly dismal day today the one person I wished that I could see (and have a snuggle with…yes, I know, that’s very unusual for me!) was this person.  Unfortunately he’s on GY this week and that’s just not possible.  Would I still want that snuggle if it was possible, if he wasn’t on GY?  Or am I coveting something that I know is not available again?  Or, on the other hand, am I simply practicing for it to be OK in my head to want comfort from someone?  Then again, maybe it is simply just me wanting him and that’s all there is to it?

See?  I told you, this stuff gets me so twisted inside that I need distraction!

Comments are always welcome however please avoid any variation of        “just let it happen”        or        “you’ll know when it’s the right one”        or         “don’t overthink things”              because I find all those particularly patronizing.



  1. Bev said,

    March 19, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    I was going to write a comment but when I put it down, it was really what you had already said, just in different words.
    However, I have something hanging on my wall at work that I will send you tomorrow. It is not patronizing but a good reminder for many situations that we often can’t control.

  2. Anonymouse said,

    March 19, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    FWIW, if you know the relationship has an expiry date, I advise you to end it ASAP rather than let it go on as long as possible. I don’t know the details, of course. If you want to get married to a good man who is crazy in love with you and bear his children, don’t waste your precious time and affection on someone who can’t give you that. I know that’s not a modern view, but I’m a conservative Christian woman in her 50s so that’s where I’m coming from.

    In one way, you come across as a very confident woman who knows what she wants. But there is also that wounded, fragile girl who feels safer being one of the guys. When *you* believe that you are an amazing prize, the men around you will believe it, too. And men like to win a prize like that. Let them (him) work at it a bit. Again, I know this isn’t politically correct. But it’s still so very true.

  3. Lady Shanny said,

    March 20, 2008 at 5:37 am

    Anonymouse, I absolutely LOVE the second part of your comment. The first part is the part I’m struggling with because I don’t KNOW what I want and so how do I tell someone else or mesh up what I want with what they want.

    The second part of your comment hits the nail on the head! Frighteningly so!


  4. ladybeams said,

    March 20, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Good for you that you are finding things to do with your energy vs. having a cigarette. Maybe that is definately what I need. I just don’t know if anyone living with me could stand me if I wasn’t drugged. LOL.

    I’m not going to comment on the other, as you left a definate list of things not allowed, but I will agree with you. I do think you are really over analyzing. It’s hard to live always waiting for the other shoe to drop. (said with love)

  5. p4pretention said,

    March 20, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    I am an eleven-teen year old at relationships and have no useful advice. Kudos for putting your stuff out there though, boys are difficult to talk about.

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