More Random Thoughts

Random Thought #1 ~ I had to work quite late this evening and I was reminded of a really simple thing that can throw all the best laid plans in the crapper.  The more tired I get the less control I have.  I didn’t screw anything up but I definitely had a harder time avoiding negative self-talk and definitely had a rough time keeping my portions under control when I finally had dinner.  For me, being tired messes with my resolve, it messes with remembering my reasons for doing what I do and it messes with my committment.  It’s crazy how something so inconspicuous could potentially mess up so much!

Random Thought #2 ~ Something else that I’m having to get used to (and yes, I’m sure there are worse things) is having people (guys)…um….how do I say this without sounding egotistical….looking at me.  It’s happening far more than I’ve ever been used to and I’m not really sure how to take it.  On the one hand it’s certainly nice to have all your hard work appreciated.  On the other hand it feels totally strange for me.  I was having a conversation with one of the guys from the floor today and he made some comment about my having ‘secret admirers’ out on the floor.  We were going through the names of some of the guys who I already know would be interested in dating me if I was willing and it started to kind of freak me out.  Without getting into too much detail, I’ll tell you that positive male attention has always made me feel like I am then indebted to the person and so they can pretty much do/say what they like.  That obviously is not acceptable nor particularly healthy.

One of the things that I am really going to have to start working on is how I allow this kind of attention to affect me (or not).  Since I can remember, I have always let that kind of thing swallow me up and then things start to spin out of control.  Certainly up to and including the recent past, I had not learned my lesson.  Now I’m very, very aware of what can happen if I let my head get foggy and if I let go of the control I have over the situation.  I will have to be very diligent about keeping things under control and giving them the right amount of attention. 

I am naturally honest about how I feel, mostly because my face gives me away.  I don’t generally feel the need or desire to try and hide how an action or a comment makes me feel.  When I try to counter that to protect myself, I can end up looking a bit flighty because I’m always doing it after the fact.  So one day you get me all excited and laughy and happy and the next time you see me I am perhaps a little more distant.  I get a little freaked out that I may come to enjoy someone’s company or value their opinion and then they disappear and I’m left behind, looking pathetic and feeling foolish.  That freaks me out!  If you never admit that you need anyone else then you can never be hurt when they go, right?  That’s the logic, as twisted as it may be.  The problem with that theory is that you have then manufactured an environment where you have avoided the hurt of being left but you’ve created a new hurt of being alone.

I know I’ve rambled a bit away from the first part of this Random Thought.  The synopsis is that I’m getting and going to get attention from guys because I look different than I did.  I need to be very careful how I let that attention affect me because I am prone to getting into situations where I feel like I forever ‘owe’ them something for it.  And finally, now that the attention is coming and there is a possibility that I will not be alone forever, I need to somehow start letting out a little rope at a time so that I can value someone and ‘need’ them and not be paranoid that when/if they leave that I’m going to be left looking like an idiot.  

Looking like an idiot or looking foolish or feeling pathetic, those are all together a driving fear that govern a lot of my actions and quirks.  The thing with it is that it’s a very obvious display of weakness to have a personal relationship (friend or otherwise) with someone and let them see that they affect you.  It’s like putting a big “You can hurt me” button on your forehead that they could potentially press at any time.  Again, it all comes back to trusting that the peson is not going to push that button on purpose and that if they do push it by accident that they are going to feel badly about it. 

Does any of Random Thought #2 make any sense?  I’m having a really hard time explaining what I mean about the looking and feeling foolish thing.  Picture it like standing in a wide open room with someone.  That person is there with you to laugh with and chat with.  That person is there to protect you if needed and you are there to take care of them as needed.  You both move around and do your own thing in the room but your paths cross often and the other person is still there if you need them.  And then that person disappears.  You are now left standing in a big, empty room all by yourself, completely vulnerable and alone, any sense of stability and consistency swept away.  Anyone who might have been looking through the window at the ‘relationship’ that the two of you had, can see what it meant to you and they will be able to figure out that you are now hurt.  That freaks me OUT!  Given that, it is sometimes much easier to create an environment where you never come to rely on anyone else because then you aren’t hurt when/if they go.  Again, there is a problem with that and it is that you then would never have the joy of a true friendship or the warmth of meeting someone else at heart-level.

It’s all very scary to me.  So scary that I often wonder if I will talk myself right out of ever letting someone in.  I lament the fact that I’m single and yet I do very little to change that.  I have tended to choose people who are unavailable or inappropriate for me because there is no risk of my actually being required to take a leap of faith.  That’s what it’s going to come down to though.  You can only protect yourself and make someone else prove that they are trustworthy for so long before you finally have to just close your eyes and leap and hope you don’t break your neck. 

Random Thought #3 ~ The ‘people looking at me thing’ started this Random Thought too.  OK, so guys are looking at me, some of them are outright staring at me.  Aside from being weirded out because of Random Thought #2, I find it strange because when I look in the mirror I still just see the fattie that I was.  Obviously I can see that I’ve lost weight and that I’m smaller overall (and in some of the wrong places) but for the most part I don’t see a difference.  I don’t think I’m one of the ‘pretty people’.  I know I have nice eyes and a decent smile and I have the occassional moment when everything has come together but I don’t think that is reason enough for the loads of attention that I’m getting.  I wish that there was some kind of fee that you could pay or pill that you could take so that for just a moment you could look at yourself completely unbiased and see what other people see.  It’s hard because any friend or relative that most of us have are biased and are going to tell us that we’re beautiful or pretty or cute.  And people who are not your friend or family member are not going to have that conversation with you.  Until the pill gets made or the fee gets paid though, I suppose I may have to rely on my Most Honest Friend.

Random Thought #4 ~ Download the song “I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys.  I think it’s been around for quite awhile but  she has the most incredible voice and the lyrics describe the kind of love that I want.  I want the kind of love that makes you smile every time you see the person.  I want the kind of love that makes the person actually miss you if they haven’t seen you during the day.  I want the kind of love that is fun and serious, huge and small, everything and nothing, all at the same time.  Here are a couple of the lyrics (in no particular order)

“Some people think that the physical things define what’s within”

“Some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all if I ain’t got you”

“Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything, but everything means nothing if I ain’t got you” 

“Hand me the world on a silver platter and what good would it be, with no one to share, with no one who truly cares for me”

Advertisements

7 Comments

  1. Carol said,

    February 21, 2008 at 3:33 am

    Oh Shanny how I feel for you. You have yet to understand and accept the fact that yes you are very attractive and appealing to the opposite sex. Yes you have the qualities that many males gravitate to but just remember and always remember that YOU are in control of the situation. Just take things slowly and enjoy, but alway remember that … YOU have contol of the situation and you decide how far and when things progress.
    Enjoy life and dont be so hard on yourself.
    Take care, Carol

  2. marieclaude said,

    February 21, 2008 at 3:45 am

    I’m with Carol 🙂

    To love someone else, you need to love yourself first – that’s easier said than done, I know. But you’re on the right path…

  3. marieclaude said,

    February 21, 2008 at 3:47 am

    Oh and one more thing: fat protects us from the outside world, from heartbreaks, from love. Take the fat away and you’re vulnerable to it all… It takes time to build your confidence and learn to live without your barrier.

  4. Empress said,

    February 21, 2008 at 11:19 am

    I have been where you are m’ Lady….and now am in a very positive, loving and committed relationship. It is so amazing to be with someone who TRULY gets you and you can be open with (ok, and sometimes it angers me how well he does know me but that is another topic.)

    For me, it truly was a leap to be completely open with him…and honestly I still sometimes struggle being comfortable with that…but honestly the feeling of being together FAR OUTWEIGHS any chance that one day I may be alone again. To quote, “It is better to have loved than to have never loved at all.” Cheesy as it may sound it really is true. My suggestion, don’t overanalyze things and just experiment with situations as your new self! I don’t think you will regret it 🙂

  5. Anonymous said,

    February 21, 2008 at 12:41 pm

    It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all….

  6. p4pretention said,

    February 21, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    Hey Shanny.

    I have the issue with the not really seeing a difference in the mirror, too. We have this idea of what we look like in our heads that doesn’t necessarily compute with reality – even if reality is sexier. It’s all very The Matrix if you ask me. Although without sunglasses that stay on your head on their own accord.

    The guy thing. UGH. Such an issue.It’s fucking hard to be comfortable with a guy when you aren’t comfortable with yourself. And, to make it worse, I’m attracted to shy guys. Fack!

  7. Marueze said,

    February 22, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    Ditto, to having the same issues. . . but as mentioned above also, you have to love yourself to feel/believe you deserve the love you receive. Have heard it takes 7 years for your body to totally adjust to the “new” you and to actually “get” that this is the way that you are going to be living now. So newbie…it may take a little time for your brain to catch up to your body. But you deserve the best and you will receive it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: