Poof!

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked” ~ Bernard Meltzer

A lot of what I write is inspired by conversations that I have with a particular friend.  I think it’s his willingness to call it as he sees it whether it is comfortable for me to hear or not.  This ability to tell me the truth as he sees it often gets me to thinking about things and then “Poof”, a post is born.  That’s what happened today.

We were talking about my apparant need to tell everyone around me everything that is going on in my life at the time.  I’ve mentioned that here before and how I will pretty much spill my guts about everything.  I think the reason that I do this is to flood people with so much information that they then just assume that I’m telling them everything and no one ever gets curious about me. 

Truth be told, I am a very private person.  Yes, I will tell you when I have a sniffle or what I did on the weekend or even what my current weight is.  But as my friend pointed out, I don’t so much as divulge a snippet of my private life.  I was trying to think back on when the last time was that I told someone something meaningful about my past.  I’m still thinking.

This website has been extremely cathartic for me since this whole life changing thing began.  I’ve always said that it’s completely honest and it is, to a point.  The words are my thoughts and feelings, for sure.  In a way though, it’s a sort of contrived honesty.  I can make you see exactly what I want you to see and nothing that I don’t.  You read what I tell you and you don’t get to see the look in my eye or my blush or the tear that I can’t stop from falling.  You don’t get to see me fidget and sweat and avoid looking you in the eye. You don’t see the first or second or third draft of the post.  You see the finished product and while it is the truth, it’s the truth in only the way that I choose to let you see it. 

That’s the problem that I have with talking to people, especially this friend who is very perceptive.  I can’t edit the words or manipulate them to make sure that I’m getting my point across.  I can’t adjust the tone until I get it just right.  I can’t cover up the look on my face or the emotions in my eyes with the keyboard and the delete button.  Once the words are out there I can’t take them back.  With writing, you get to read it in your own time and you are no where near me when you’re doing it  There is a certain vulnerability that one has when sharing things that make them uncomfortable or embarassed or shameful.  I don’t like that feeling and by writing what I have to say, the person gets to read it and I don’t have to feel those things.  I will admit, that is definitely a cop-out on my part.

I thought today about putting a whole huge rundown of my past on the website, from start to finish, soup to nuts.  And then I decided against it because that is something that I owe this particular friend in person.  Our friendship is grounded in honesty (and text messaging) and if it is to continue to grow then eventually I’m going to have to buck up and give up some information.  There is only so much deflecting and omitting that a person can do before it becomes dishonest and deceptive.

The upside of deflecting a conversation away from yourself is that you get to learn all sorts of things about the other person, which I love.  I’m thrilled when I get to find out about a good friend’s past or their family life or how they feel about certain things.  And if I love it so much, shouldn’t I allow them the same option? 

I really should practice this information sharing thing because I know that it one of my big downfalls in relationships and eventually I’m going to want to have one of those again and secret-keeping is not the way to go.

So, dear friend, be careful what you wish for….you may soon know more about me than you ever wanted to.  😉

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. kimiam said,

    February 12, 2008 at 1:10 pm

    Sometimes I wonder if I sculpt nudes to hide -to protect myself from judgemental, closed-minded people -to avoid rejection by creating something that will be rejected from many places, many shows because of the nudity. Then I don’t have to face up to being rejected because my work isn’t good enough. I can always pretend it’s because of the nudity.

  2. Lady Shanny said,

    February 12, 2008 at 2:04 pm

    Wow Kimiam! I love that comment! Isn’t that always a hard thing to admit?

    I know when I first started this weight losing thing that I had to admit to myself, and outloud, that the fat served a very similar purpose. I didn’t have to face up to being rejected by people (men) because I wasn’t good enough. I would always just tell myself it was because of the fat.

    Now that the fat is gone/going, I have to own up to the fact that if someone doesn’t like me/want to date me, it might just be because they don’t like ME….

    These admissions that we are/were hiding are hard ones to make but I think once we realize it we can start to work with it/around it.

    For what it’s worth, I think your sculptures are gorgeous!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: