Bitter and Twisted

It snowed like crazy here today which meant that I was trapped on my street until around 6pm when the snowplow finally came.  I’m actually not that wussy, it’s just that I live on a really steep hill and after having hit the ditch once last year, it’s not worth the chance so I stay home.

Once the snowplow showed up I hustled my ass to get my stuff ready to take to work tonight after the hockey game.  At the hockey game one of the player’s daughters was there and was eating a Subway sandwich.  I HATE Subway.  The smell sickens me and I can make a better sandwich at home.  So why was I so twisted while she was sitting there eating it?  Why did I give a crap that her sandwich was probably 20 points and not something that I will be choosing to have in the near future? 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the weight loss this week, in fact it’s in my head constantly.  I’ll be glad when weigh-in for this week happens and I can finally shake this.  I guess probably because this is all uncharted territory and I’m wondering how the loss will slow down, if at all.  One of the thoughts that I have to keep smacking out of my head is “I’m not going to get much past this point.” and I don’t like it.  The difference between the first and the last picture is startling, I’ll admit.  But the fact is, compared to a normal weighted person, I am still considerably overweight (according to BMI, I am only one point away from being in the Obese category!) and I want the fat to go.  Yes, I’ll let my body stop where it’s meant to stop, but I do not believe this is anywhere close! 

Also?  Why does being tired masquerade itself as the urge to eat?  Not hunger but the “I need something” thing.  Even when I know that I’m tired it still happens?  Why is that?  Also?  Why is the act of putting food in one’s mouth a comforting thing?  It’s supposed to be a survival mechanism and we’ve turned it into an event much of the time.  How does one get back to the ‘eat to live’ mentality rather than the ‘live to eat’ mentality?  Is it possible?  Or will someone like myself who has long used food for comfort always have to fight the battle?

I know this post is kind of random and the thoughts are all over the map, but that’s how I’ve been feeling over the last week.  Disordered! 



  1. Anonymouse said,

    January 28, 2008 at 12:57 am

    I certainly don’t have all the answers but I can speak for myself. My weight problem started at age 15. I am now 52. The struggle has never ended and I no longer believe it is possible for me ever to develop a ‘live to eat’ mentality. And, honestly, I don’t even think I want that! Eating food I like is a pleasure and I want it to continue to be one.

    A couple of years ago I was very ill and actually experienced having to ‘eat to live’ and it was not enjoyable at all. Following a virus, I lost the ability to taste ‘sweet’. It changed the taste of everything and there were few foods that were enjoyable. I was so relieved when my sense of ‘sweet’ taste came back as I had been told by a specialist that it could be permanently lost!

    But I do know what you mean. I used food for comfort even as a very young child. I was very active then, and growing, so there was no problem …until I stopped growing upwards and started growing outwards.

  2. Krystle said,

    January 28, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    I hope this gets to your past, soon. It’s hard to keep going, and try to trick your mind when it comes to the live to eat/eat to live scenario. It’s very hard, even though a person is considerably thinner, and considerably healthier, to still look at that BMI chart and still see that you are in the “obese” category.

    The mindset sets in that you are still “fat” by their records, and you’re still not where you want to be. I can see where it would set a person back. But, looking at going from 250 lbs to 194… that is out of this world!! Personally, I think those BMI charts are ridiculous, and they’re only a number. Everyones body is extremely different, and 1 chart for every female/male… I just don’t buy it.

    If you feel good, and have the confidence, that’s all that matters in my book. You are doing absolutely wonderful! And, I’m hoping the best for you for the weigh in tomorrow night.

  3. Marueze said,

    January 28, 2008 at 5:11 pm

    Just Breathe…that’s what you need to do.

    1. eat to live and live to eat …tough topic.

    would you really want to just eat to live? we are fortunate in the world to have so many options as to enjoyable choices. unforunately, just as you stated out emotions may be into the way and it is possible to abuse food. Or better said food abuses out body by turning into fat if we don’t burn it as fuel properl

    2. the girl with the subway sandwich. she may not even have enjoyed it it may have just been what she was given to eat.

    3. BMI…just another number – pretty unfair…as Krystle stated. How do they clump all those body types and metabolisms into just a weight and height category?

    Just breathe….
    you have been doing wonderfully. it is mind over matter…you are working a program – you are evolving- your are on a journey – there are hills and valleys, rocks, snow, ice, etc.

    Not to put a damper but you have done really, really well due to all your hard work and effort. Don’t start to worry until you have something to worry about. Have you notice that all the ads for WW usually show people who may have averaged 2lb loss a week right? and then underneath it says that that is not typical. Your determination has really played a great part in your success….
    keep it up….maybe in the future you might want to become a WW lecturer. a meeting member that I’m friendly with is thinking about doing it – maybe that would interest you and help you work things out in your head.

    Just breathe…you are doing great!

  4. Lady Shanny said,

    January 28, 2008 at 8:47 pm

    Thanks Mareuze! You’re right about the breathing. Just relax! I’m still alright, I’m still alright, I’m still alright. I needn’t get worried and freak myself out!

  5. Bev said,

    January 28, 2008 at 10:08 pm

    Eating is still one of the pleasures in life so I’m not sure that you would want to be only ‘eating to live’. There are foods you enjoy and you’ve been having them in moderation, not depriving yourself, planning for them. What would make you want to give up something pleasurable. Planned food intake is not going to put back the weight you have lost.
    One point from obese??? Who the hell is making that chart? You aren’t even close.
    As Mareuze says, “breathe” and continue what you are doing. It’s working.

  6. marieclaude said,

    January 29, 2008 at 2:30 am

    Eat to live, live to eat… You know, I think you can still live to eat while also eating to live: by choosing healthy foods, vitamin-packed foods, foods to fuel your body in a healthy way… and make sure they also taste good 😉 I’ve had lots of comments at work lately about by lunch: a vitamin-packed, taste-packed salad of fresh spinach, tuna, apple, kiwi, orange pepper and light French dressing. Everybody is saying ‘Oh my, that looks so healthy!’ Do you know what I answer? ‘Yes, of course, but most of all, it tastes lovely!’

    I also think this is the only way you can actually change your eating habits in the long run, and that’s what makes WW so popular and so efficient. There’s no ‘boring food’ unless you restrain yourself to boring food – this is a life-changing process. If I’m going to have to be on a diet all my life, then please let me at least enjoy what I’m going to eat!

  7. Tarable said,

    January 29, 2008 at 8:58 am

    I just want to touch on the Subway thing…

    I have a love/hate relationship with Subway.

    That Jarod guy really did a number on people by losing all that weight from “only eating Subway”. Now people think that if they eat Subway – no matter what it is – it’s healthy. Little do they know that you can’t just walk up to the counter and order a meatball sub with extra cheese and mayo and be think you’re being healthy just because it’s Subway. Subway has done a great job marketing themselves as a healthy choice.

    Granted, there are some good choices (lower point options) there if you are out and about and in a pinch. But again, you have to know what to order and what NOT to add to your sandwich.

  8. Siggy said,

    January 29, 2008 at 10:36 am

    At least she wasn’t downing McDonalds!
    I choose to hit subway when I am feeling to need to get out from work…But I don’t order the meatballextracheeseandmayo thingy. It’s all about choices.
    We all owe it to ourselves to make the best choices of what we put into our stomach.
    Shanny, I can really relate to the ‘listlessness’ one feels when we get tired and need something…I think this is one of the most difficult things to curb (for me) espacially knowing that I haven’t had enough servings during the day…to eat or not to eat…

  9. lululeelee said,

    January 29, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    I also always wonder why eating is a huge comfort to me. Something about the crunch seems to settle me inside. What I really hate that I tend to do is be depressed about a weigh in and eat to make myself feel better. What am I thinking? Will it help for the next weigh in? Clearly not.

    All of these feelings are legitimate and impossible to answer. You just have to accept them and deal one day at time. I only wish sometimes the next day would come so I have points again. 😉

  10. Marueze said,

    January 29, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    Totally know that feeling Lululeelee regarding having the next day not come soon enough if I have used up my points.

    Don’t cringe…I have lost eating Subways…not only that put eating the meatball hero…it was just a matter of point and a testament to my comment above.

    MarieClaude that salad sounded absolutely divine.

    & Bev, thanks for the props..Besides food in the right context, proportions and variety are so wonderful…who would want to give so much of the great stuff up.

    Sometimes it is possible that our success may appear to overwhelme us because our success has been so awesome. We think how can we keept this up.

  11. katapilla22 said,

    January 31, 2008 at 10:40 pm

    I stopped weighing myself all together, because I found that when I read charts and read the scale I too was ‘overweight’ and I would believe it and get down on myself. well, you know how the battle goes. So i took the scale completely out of my life. The only person I step on it for is the doctor and I tell him to only tell me if I really could stand to lose some weight, otherwise I don’t look at the number. As long as I’m doing all the right things for myself, then I feel good about my weight and body size. My point is that if the doctor is not telling me I’m overweight then I’m not. So all of these stupid charts that say your are points away from being overweight or obese do nothing but torture you. Maybe you’ll get to the same point as me, where you get to a point that you feel great and the scale is not moving, and maybe for you too that will be the time to throw out the scale.

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