Shouldn’t Have Done It

Have you ever done something and known right from the start that you shouldn’t?  Have you ever made a decision and even while you were giving your answer there was a voice in your head yelling “DON’T DO IT!”, but you ignored that voice?  The answer to those questions for me is “Not very often”.  Usually I don’t figure out it’s the wrong choice until well, WELL after the fact.  Usually when I’m doing something or making a decision, I truly think there is nothing wrong with it.  Even much, MUCH later I have been known to defend some pretty marginal decisions.  At the TIME, it seems like the right thing to do.  At the TIME, I think I have everything under control.  Today though, I had that voice screaming at me and I chose not to listen.

Alright, if you know me in real life, chances are I’ve already whined to you about how badly my leg hurts right now.  The top of my right thigh is completely covered in a giant bruise and the mucsle underneath is screaming and crying.  The ouchie started on Monday, got worse on Tuesday and I couldn’t figure out why the actual skin on my leg hurt.  Even the friction of my pants was causing it to hurt.  So when I took my pants off on Tuesday night I noticed that the entire thing was a big ugly bruise.  I think I must’ve torn a muscle and that’s what’s causing the bruise and the pain.  Like a trooper (read:  martyr), I walked to work this morning and thought I would just ‘push through the pain’.  Turns out, that actually makes it hurt worse!

So this afternoon when I was hobbling around making OW faces, I happened to stumble (quite literally) across the person I’ve been trying to avoid for months.  Not being one for letting a bit of sympathy escape me, I outlined what my problem was.  Person then asked me how I was planning on getting home since walking there didn’t seem like much of an option.  I said that I hadn’t quite figured that out yet, and then it happened.  He offered to give me a ride across the bridge to the train station.   Had I been in a clearer state of mind I would have hands down refused the offer.  But pain will make you do funny things.  At least that’s what I’m blaming it on.  I said no to begin with and then I was handily manipulated.  The phrase “You won’t even let me give you a ride when you’re injured?!” came out of his mouth and I caved.  Now, you should probably know that the big code-like ‘I said No’ thing from THIS post was him asking if he could take me out for lunch.  I had phoned him back that day and explained that I was not willing to go due to past feelings and that I was finally over it/getting over him.  He got irritated and ultimately ended up hanging up on me.  So this afternoon after the last month of a distance between us (a distance I created and was quite happy with) I let myself get sucked in and allowed him to bridge that gap.  And I feel stomach twistingly guilty about it.  I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, it was a 6 minute car ride and yes, I am in a great deal of discomfort with my leg.  But somehow I feel like I’ve completely let myself down, that by getting in that car and letting him do something that was just for me, that I’ve negated all the effort and mental struggle of putting him behind me. 

I’m feeling completely drifty right now and I don’t like it.  I know in my heart that I’m not going back down that road, that I have put that behind me and it’s over and done with.  I know that one car ride does not a lifetime make, but I can’t help the feelings I’m having. 

So now my leg is still hurting and I feel like crap emotionally.  Nice!  Dammit woman, LISTEN TO THE VOICE NEXT TIME!!!!

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12 Comments

  1. Comrade GoGo said,

    January 16, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    1. How on earth did you hurt yourself?? That sounds really painful, Shanny.

    2. Don’t hate on yourself. Because you know what that leads to? The “Aw, fuck it” mentality. If you somehow believe that you’ve “messed up” by accepting a short car ride, then the next time a situation involving this person comes up, you may reason that you’ve already “messed up,” so you might as well throw caution to the wind. I just don’t want that to happen to you, and I’m probably just projecting from my own life, so please don’t be offended if this isn’t one of your behavior patterns ;).

    But the short version is: you didn’t do anything wrong, unless you use this to keep giving yourself a hard time. You are awesome, lady, and don’t you forget it. Now look after that leg of yours!

  2. Lady Shanny said,

    January 16, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    GoGo, I’m not sure how the leg thing actually happened. I am guessing from pushing harder during the walk that it just gave up the ghost. I’m on walking hiatus now until next week and then I think it should be fine…fingers crossed!

    I’m definitely not offended! I really just feel stupid! I try to avoid posting about this person and things that happen or get said, because I don’t believe that it should be affecting me anymore. I mean COME ON!!! GET OVER IT ALREADY! Son of a bitch though, I can’t! I have, don’t get me wrong, things are definitely not like what they were but they still aren’t totally good yet in my head and my heart. I have mental dialogue in my head that tells me that I’m over it, I’m better than that, I’m stronger…blahblahblah. And then something happens and I think perhaps I might have mostly moved on but maybe there is a little part of me that’s stuck? And that makes me feel stupid and juvenile and ridiculous. I’m almost 30 YEARS OLD! Doesn’t that count for SOMETHING? Shouldn’t that mean that I can just flip the fucking switch already? ARGH!!!!!!!! I get so FRUSTRATED!!!!

    I have this wonderful friend who is so supportive and caring and sweet, and we have talked about this whole issue ad nauseum. Part of my frustration is that he believes in me SO MUCH and this kind of bullshit makes me feel like I’m letting him down….like no matter how much he believes in me and bolsters me and encourages me that I am still too fucking WEAK to just GET OVER IT! And that makes me feel like I don’t deserve his friendship, let alone his encouragement and support…that’s what is upsetting me more than anything right now!

    Sorry for venting on your comment! You look BEAUTIFUL in your new picture, by the way! Knock out!

  3. Comrade GoGo said,

    January 16, 2008 at 8:27 pm

    Man, I can’t stand to hear you be so hard on yourself! Sometimes it’s easier to drop 50 pounds (not that that’s easy at all!) than it is to do an emotional 180 in just a few months. I think you’ve done an amazing job making progress in *many* ways since I’ve been privileged to share your journey! And as a mature woman of thirty, I think it’s only fair to warn you that none of us are ever as “grown up” as we think we’re supposed to be by a certain age ;). For what it’s worth, I don’t think of you as immature at all, and I’m sure your friend doesn’t either.

    Friendship isn’t us simply telling people what we’d like them to do for their own good, and then them doing it. Friendship *is* about encouraging each other and offering suggestions, but it’s also about accepting each others’ little foibles and setbacks, and not giving up on each other. Your friend sounds like a true friend, and I can’t imagine he’ll be anywhere near as hard on you as you are on yourself.

    Take a deep breath. “Confess” to your friend if it’s weighing on your mind. And then? Time to move on and refuse to let this cast a shadow on your many accomplishments :).

  4. Lady Shanny said,

    January 16, 2008 at 8:37 pm

    GoGo! Hands DOWN the weight losing is easier than the rebuilding of the emotional side. HANDS DOWN! I would rather RE-lose those same 50 pounds than muddle through trying to realign some of my screwed up thinking.

    It is so much easier when you just keep everything to yourself and don’t let other people in. SO MUCH EASIER! But then I think while it might be the safer choice, if I hadn’t opened up my heart to the possibility that there might be people out there who aren’t out to clobber you, I never would have experienced the joy of getting to know such a person.

    So, screwed up and crooked-thinking I might be, but I would rather navigate this twisty road than never know the joys of honesty and trust and support from another person.

  5. January 16, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    I hope you go to the doctor about the leg. As for the relationship stuff. I’m not the person to be saying anything. Sigh. Congrats about the milestone.

  6. katapilla22 said,

    January 16, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    Hey Shanny, don’t beat your self up about it. Just ak yourself ‘why’ you did it when you knew it would be a mistake….if you can answer that, it would probably give you some valuable insight.

  7. ladybeams said,

    January 17, 2008 at 9:25 am

    LadyShanny, if you happen to eat something you shouldn’t, obviously you don’t just give in completely and go whole hog eating. Same here. So you took a small step that you feel is backwards. Don’t beat yourself up, just get back on track. (yes, I know it’s a lot easier with eating than emotions, but the principle is close to same). What is that about ‘doing the same thing over again and expecting different results”? Maybe if you take a trip down memory lane and experience why you didn’t want this relationship before would help. Good luck.

    Sorry to hear about your leg. You’re sort of my hero when it comes to tenacity concerning walking.

  8. Marueze said,

    January 17, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    Go to the doctor for your leg.

    As for taking the ride- you did what you had to do to take care of your well being – your mind went into body protection mode. Don’t beat yourself up.

    The thing is that from what I have determined from what I have read in your posts. . .you are not a manipulative person. That type of person would have just taken the ride and moved on because they received what they needed. You however, are not that type so you are now feeling that you are either in debt. Or that the person now feels that they are back in.

    Take a deep breath move on.

    I had written out a much longer and betterer (like that one) post however, word press doesn’t love me and it was lost and now I have had to reassemble my thoughts.
    Sigh.

  9. p4pretention said,

    January 17, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    1.Dude, ice your leg. And see a doctor, dammit. Giant bruise appearing without being bludgeoned by anything = something is not right.

    2.Taking a ride from an ex probably seems like the wrong thing to do, but (to be cliched for a moment) it is entirely possible a mountain is being constructed from a molehill here – you were hurt, needed a ride, and he gave you one. If he thinks a relationship will again blossom from that he is a knob. [I hate exs who make you feel guilty for not being with them by being all sweet and nice. Feels like you are punching them in the feelings by not reciprocating those feelings anymore.] If seeing him helped you re- acknowledge your relationship was a was an emotional clusterfuck, maybe it was 6 minutes well spent.

  10. Bev said,

    January 17, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    You have amazing people/friends on here who give you excellent advice.
    ….about accepting each others’ little foibles and setbacks, and not giving up on each other. Your friend sounds like a true friend, and I can’t imagine he’ll be anywhere near as hard on you as you are on yourself.
    …If seeing him helped you re- acknowledge your relationship was a was an emotional clusterfuck, maybe it was 6 minutes well spent.

    And go see the Dr if there isn’t some major improvement by tomorrow.

  11. Siggy said,

    January 18, 2008 at 7:20 am

    I second the Doctor recomendation…as for taking the ride…my personal feeling is that guilt is a useless emotion. I mean really…what purpose does it serve. You are an adult and chose to take a ride from someone with whom you have history whick was actually past your ”safe to walk home time”

  12. January 19, 2008 at 8:15 pm

    […] Not me, Lady Shanny.   Uhn uh. *Snort.*  Don’t be too hard on yourself.  What’s done is done, and all […]


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