Can I Say It?

You guys are great!  Your comments definitely helped me along, although I was hoping for at least ONE joke 😉 .

Recipe of the week is updated….black forest trifle!

When people who know me in real life read my blog, I often get told that they can hear me saying the words that they are reading.  I write like I talk…sort of.  What is probably more accurate is that I write in the same ‘style’ that I talk.  But actually, writing comes easier to me than talking.  If you do know me in real life you’re probably shaking your head and wondering when the last time I shut up was.  BUT!  When it comes to talking about my feelings everything just freezes up.  The words are there.  I know what I want to say.  I say it in my head beforehand and it sounds pretty good.  But once I’m in the moment, something happens.  I start to blush, the words don’t come out in order and then I get a little panicky and end up not coming even close to what I had in mind.

Case en pointe.  Tonight I dropped my dear friend off a Christmas card and gift.  We got to chatting and the conversation went where I ultimately had hoped it would; to where I could tell this friend exactly how much his support and humor and friendship has meant to me this past year.  I wanted to tell him how his willingness to share his own experiences in both weight loss and life allowed me to learn from his struggle and in turn, share mine.  I wanted to say that I appreciate him putting up with me and my oddities and not making me feel like a jackass.  I wanted to explain how much I value his honesty, even when it’s something that I probably don’t want to hear.  I wanted to tell him that the way he seems to figure out what I’m thinking before I figure it out drives me crazy but also makes me re-examine some things and make better decisions.  I wanted to tell him that there have been several times when I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore and I wanted to just forget the whole thing, and somehow he managed to speak right to my heart and give me back whatever motivation I was lacking.  I wanted to explain that his belief that I deserve better than I was giving myself was a catalyst in my beginning this journey.  I wanted to tell him that his absolute devotion to his family makes me sure that the good guys are out there and that I should not, under any circumstances, settle for less than I deserve.   I wanted to explain how his love for his wife and his willingness to show it makes my heart happy.

I wanted to say all of that, but do you think it would come out?  Ha!  Not exactly.  A small part of it came out, the rest got stuck and then disintegrated. 

I know that the reason that I don’t do well with that kind of thing is that I have never liked appearing vulnerable in front of anyone.  Because I have always avoided those kinds of conversations, I am way out of practice and I get all mixed up.  The blood starts rushing in my head, I can’t get the words to line up and I get hot and uncomfortable.  The desire to say it is there but there is that filter in my head telling me “Don’t show your cards!” and that causes a bit of a conflict that ends up cementing the words in my head with no hope of them coming out in proper order.  I guess, when it’s something that I really want to be right, when I want to make absolutely sure that I get my point across, I will write it.  But I’ll keep practicing the talking thing.  Maybe one day that will come as easily as the writing.

Besides this particular friend, there are so many other people that I want to tribute as well before this year is out.  I understand that all the physical and mental effort has been mine and mine alone to slog through, but there are several of you that are making the journey so much easier and more inspirational and more of a pleasure than a pain.  Tarable, Hilary, Mareuze, Katapilla….I actually realize that I can’t list everyone or we would all be here for days.  But there is going to be a post coming and I will list you all.  I am forever grateful!

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4 Comments

  1. Bev said,

    December 20, 2007 at 10:43 pm

    I think you have a beautiful gift of writing and if that’s the way you say what is in your heart and on your mind, then that’s your way. Some people verbalize well, you write well. Writing has an advantage, the writer and the receiver can each go back over it as many times as they want, it’s there…in black and white.
    Keep practicing you will get better at it.

  2. Hilary said,

    December 21, 2007 at 7:06 am

    You know, I think that a friend who knows you that well probably also knows you well enough to discern all that you had trouble expressing out loud. I bet your sincere appreciation of your friend came through much more than you think it did. Keep practicing your out-loud words, and don’t get discouraged!

  3. Princess Darcy said,

    December 21, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    Personally, I wouldn’t give yourself too hard a time about it. There are very few people who would stand in front of someone else and go on and on about how much they appreciate them and the reasons why. A, because it has a tendancy to make the reciever of the words feel uncomfortable and B, because you often can’t remember what you want to say. It is nice to say that you appreciate or love people, and sometimes a specific reason why, but when you want to put that much out there, as you did with your friend, you’d probably want to write it down… I have no problem expressing myself and expounding on the ways in which I love the people I love, but I still wouldn’t stand in front of them and go on and on… not because I have a hangup, but because of the reason’s listed above (as A and B)

  4. Marueze said,

    December 21, 2007 at 5:22 pm

    Thank you – it feels good to be appreciated. I read quite a few blogs but yours is the only one to which I post comments.

    Possibly it is your writing. It does just flow and presents you as a real individual. You have taken on many topics which others might not have have. This was very inspiring that you felt you could open up yourself that way.

    You are a sincere young lady and that truly comes forth.

    It is understandable – when talking to people even when you are close and care – it is sometimes hard to get it out what you want to say eloquently. That is why so much poetry is written I guess.

    Being vulnerable is very hard but worthwhile in the growth process.

    Please know that your writing is truly appreciated.


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