Unbalanced?

Sometimes I wonder if I am completely unbalanced?  If all my past trials and tribulations have affected me so much that I can’t react like a normal person.

Here’s the deal.  Today, a good friend told me that his lovely wife works with someone who she was thinking of setting me up with…a blind date, perhaps.  Sounds good, I’m in.  The next question he asked me was “Is your website something that this person could read?”.  And in comes the irrational panic!  I see his point.  I put all this on the internet for anyone in the world to read.  I give the website address out to people I know, even to some of my customers, so why wouldn’t I let Mr. Potential Blind Date take a look?  From my friend’s perspective, this would be a really good way for someone to get to know me right off the bat.   From my perspective, that gives me a pretty large disadvantage if I walk into a situation where a complete stranger knows every thought I’ve ever had.  It’s definitely harder to couch my craziness with my lovliness after the fact 😉 . 

Irrationally, I panicked and the first thought I had was “How do I delete my website, and what about the cached pages on search engines?”.  It’s irrational because I trust this friend and his wife and I know that they wouldn’t give that information out if I said no.  But trust isn’t something that comes easily for me.  It’s a foreign phrase that doesn’t roll off my tongue all that smoothly.  Think about it.  Think about how vulnerable you are when you tell someone, “I trust you”.  Because the more nefarious sorts, like those that I have trusted in the past, have compromised that trust and made it a difficult thing to acknowledge all these years later.  When not trusting someone comes easier than trusting them, the first inclination for me is to bolt.  And as we started to talk about this website address thing, I had to force myself to stay sitting there and have a conversation about something that made me so uncomfortable that all I wanted to do was crawl out of my skin and run away.   But there I sat, the blood rushing in my head drowning out most of the rest of the conversation, reminding myself that some people, particularly this person, are trustworthy, and all I will get from allowing old habits to take over are the same old results. 

If you haven’t figured it out from the first part of this post (and really, how would you?), my ‘Quiet Contemplation’ thing from the other day was thinking about whether or not I’m ready to start dating.  It’s been awhile, but I think I might finally be ready.  I’m finally back to a place where I respect myself and am willing to stand up for what I want (and what I don’t want).  I’m getting back to the place where I am comfortable in my own skin and am proud of the woman that I am.  The thing is, whoever I date needs to have the patience of a saint because there is no other way for me at this point but slow.  I cannot allow a relationship or another person overwhelm who I am.  I can’t lose myself to someone else’s desires again.  It has taken a lot of work to find Me again and I’m not letting her out of my sight.  The only way that I can see to have a relationship where I am still Me is to slowly allow the other person to get to know me.  To slowly get to understand what the other person is about.  Too many times in the past I’ve moulded and conformed myself to what I thought the other person wanted; to what I thought would keep that person with me.  It didn’t work and I lost a little bit of myself every time I did it.  I know now that the only way that someone will respect me is if I respect myself first.  And it is disrespectful to me to try and hide who I am.  I’m at the point now where I can’t pretend to be anyone that I’m not.  I’m finally OK with the fact that not everyone will like me.  Not every guy will appreciate my sense of humor.  Not every guy will tolerate my quirks.  Not every guy will think I’m attractive.  It doesn’t mean that I’m less than worthy of a relationship, it just means that it wasn’t the right person.   

I’m funny, compassionate, witty, caring, loyal and loving.  I’m also stubborn, loud, quirky and a little crazy.  I hate taking out the garbage but I love recycling.  I don’t make my bed in the morning, I make it before I get back in at night.  I will not share cutlery or drink out of someone else’s glass, it doesn’t matter who they are!  I don’t drink cold or hot beverages, I wait until they are at room temperature.  I have an infatuation with roosters.  The phrase “I’m sure it will be fine” puts me right off my rocker, it bothers me so much!  The Hippo Song that they play at Christmas makes me giggle everytime I hear it.  I love to laugh, I almost never cry and if I’m mad I’ll walk away or hang up on you.  I can’t walk past the bulk olives in Superstore because the smell makes me gag.  I prefer text messages and emails to phone calls and I loathe voicemail, both getting and leaving.  And I KNOW, in the depths of my soul, that there is someone out there that will be a perfect match for me, we just haven’t met yet….

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6 Comments

  1. Bev said,

    November 26, 2007 at 10:43 pm

    I’m not sure that I would let a stranger read my website. I know many strangers read it now but they aren’t potential dates. I agree that that person would have the upper hand and until they know you, even slightly, they may not ‘get it’.
    Certainly a few e-mails back and forth between this person might be a good start or just dive in with both feet (sort of like the pool in the summer). 🙂
    Everyone has quirks, it’s the essence of who you are and who they are that forms and builds the relationship.

  2. Kadje said,

    November 27, 2007 at 10:24 am

    I’ve read your entire blog and have to say that you come across just as the person you described in your last paragraph. So, no worries, on that account. 😉

    How about letting your co-worker know that you will share your URL with the potential date if and when you think the time is right? If this person is *also* a chameleon, he may use your information (perhaps unconsciously) to manipulate you to like him.

    I love your blog, BTW!

  3. hilary said,

    November 27, 2007 at 10:54 am

    While I think your blog reveals everything that is totally *awesome* about you, I would advocate holding off on sharing the URL info until you’ve seen what kind of person this is, and whether you guys hit it off.

    It takes guts to get back into dating—I went on a multi-year hiatus myself, so I know something about that. Good luck and remember that no matter how the first date goes, you rock!

  4. ladybeams said,

    November 27, 2007 at 11:15 am

    I don’t think it’s unbalanced at all for you not to want a new ‘possible relationship’ person to know your inner most thoughts and feelings before you’re ready to share that. I think you need to get to know this person a little and then decide how ‘inside’ you let him.

  5. Krystle said,

    November 27, 2007 at 11:39 am

    I can completely relate to your worries, only mine are just with family. It scares the be-jesus out of me to share my diet website with my family and friends in real life. I just can’t do it. There will come a time eventually that I’ll be OK with it… but right now? It’s for internet readers, only.

    So, for you to not be sure if you want to open up your blog RIGHT NOW to that person, that’s alot of information given to him before he has even talked to you. Feel him out and get to know him via email like some others have said. If you feel the time is right, and feel like you can share something like this with him, than do it. But, only if it feels right to you.

  6. Marueze said,

    November 27, 2007 at 6:05 pm

    Girl, you got guts, just to have a blog in the first place where you are so open with your feelings.

    Although you share your thoughts in an open forum, in my humble opinion, you might wish to hold back your URL until you have met this guy and are comfortable.

    If you don’t know where the situation will go you may not want to let him into your innermost thoughts. You are very honest with your emotions here and you don’t want to lose that. Sometimes it is better to wait.

    Let the individual learn all the fun, interesting facets of your personality by being with you and doing things with you. Yes, he can read about them too, but maybe let him see your former site. Then decide how you feel.

    You really enjoy this site and it’s purpose but this is not a total reflection of your entire life is it? I know it crosses onto many topics.

    Basically you should go with your gut instincts.


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