I am NOT Happy!

For this to make sense, you should read THIS post first.

 Yesterday, I was told that he had signed up to work on a certain committee for the next year.  Which meant that he wouldn’t be back in the plant for quite awhile.  I was very pleased to hear that information.  And then, when he was in the plant today, he told me that he’ll be back working in our facility starting December 1st.  I am NOT happy about that.

With him gone, I was truly able to convince myself that I was completely over the issues and had moved on.  But now, even with just the knowledge that he will be coming back, and not so long from now, I’m upset.  I’m upset because I’m scared.  I’m scared that I won’t be able to control the situation.  I’m scared that all my hard work over the last 10 weeks is going to go to hell in a handbasket.  I’m scared that the bad habits and bad judgement of the last 3+ years have not been totally wiped away in the last 10 weeks.  I’m scared that the new lifestyle is not cemented enough to deal with this.

Am I over the feelings I had for him?  I like to think so.  I like to think that I saw the light and then moved on.  And I truly believe that I have, for the most part.  I know his game now, I can see the situation clearly.  I am more comfortable with me now than I was.  But I’m scared, because I cannot go back to that place.  It killed me inside.  It made me unhealthy and unhappy.  It broke my spirit and I lost who I was and I lost sight of my life outside of that situation.  It absolutely broke me into a million pieces, over and over again.  And it’s almost like the pieces are glued back together, but that the glue isn’t set.  There’s the chance that it could break apart again at any time, and I am positive when I say that I will not be able to put it back together for a second time.  I am normally not a cry-er and to be honest, I’ve never shed a tear over the last 3 years, or over him.  But tonight when I was talking to a friend about it, I came too close.  It’s not any feelings about him that are making me weepy and ridiculous, it’s the overwhelming fear that I am going to get sucked in again and not be able to do anything about it.  I don’t know exactly where or how it went wrong last time.  I have an idea, but I can’t pinpoint the moment that it spun out of control.  So it’s a bit of an unknown with him coming back into my life.

I look back on the last 10 weeks and I really like who I’m becoming.  I’m strong, I know which end is up and I’m in control.  I’m getting to where I want to be and it really doesn’t include him.  But when I told Carey this evening, that if he walked in the room and told me that he’d left his wife and wanted to get together with me, that I would say ‘No’ with no hesitation, I guess it wasn’t that convincing.  I really, REALLY want that to be the answer.  I NEED that to be the answer.  But to be honest?  I don’t know.  I thought about it all the way home, quivering lip and all.  I don’t know.   I don’t want to have feelings for him.  I don’t want to care about him.  Unfortunately, the very serious feelings over the last 3+ years are not so easily undone.  Do I still have feelings for him?  I truly don’t know and I don’t think I will know until he comes back.  That’s a bit like not knowing if your parachute works until you jump out of the plane and pull the cord.  It could very well be too late to find that out.   

As my dear friend said, it’s easy enough to be strong and keep your resolve when the temptation is nowhere near you.  But when it’s right in your face, that’s a totally different story.  The trepidation that I feel about his coming back leads me to believe that my resolve is going to be tested.  That I am going to have to spend a lot of energy and time being strong and reminding myself which is the right path.  I’m resentful about that, because with him gone, I could focus all my energy and attention on this journey.  I didn’t have to be strong.  I was just able to be.  But I suppose that I would never truly have been over it if he was just permanently absent.  I would have gotten off scott-free.  And while I probably would prefer that option, I think this will ultimately show me just how much I’ve grown, how strong I’ve become and remind me that only I get to make the decisions that affect my life.  If he had just vanished, I think I would have had to go through more heartache at some point down the road to learn how to truly move on. 

The more twisted side of this is that even though I do not want him, I want him to want me.  I almost want him to want what he can’t have.   I think it’s because it would somehow validate the last 3 years of my life.  It would prove that I wasn’t crazy or stupid but that I was right this whole time, that there was something there and for all the many reasons, it wasn’t meant to be.  I want the last 3 years not to be an embarassing waste of time and energy and emotion.  I want to be vindicated.  I realize that if I chase the urge to be ‘right’, that it could very well be my undoing because it will never happen.  Those admissions will never be made.  

I was asked this evening if my weight loss and this journey that I’m on are somehow motivated by that.  Of this I am sure:  it never, ever entered the equation.  I don’t know the answer to some of the other questions about the ‘boy’ situation, but this one I know for absolute certainty.  I have put so much effort and energy, both physical and mental, towards this and I feel sick that there would ever be one second’s doubt about why I’m doing it.  I guess I feel like if I were doing it for the wrong reasons it would be a complete betrayal of myself.  I’m slightly uncomfortable with the idea that eventually he probably will comment on my new figure.  Because it seems like that would cheapen everything that I’ve done.  I am not doing this for anyone but myself.  I’m doing this because, yes, I am tired of being single.  I’m doing this because I deserve so much more than what I was living.  I’m doing this because I need to be able to be strong and ready for life’s challenges.  I’m doing it because a lot of the weight was a toxic byproduct of the screwed up situation and I really needed to get rid of that.  I’m doing it because if I had stayed in the same place and at the same weight, I would have also stayed in the same mental state, protecting myself with food and fat.  I knew that eventually the time would come where I would have to let the world in and learn to be protected and safe without the buffer.  And in a way, I suppose that this is going to be a good trial for that. 

I am still scared.  I’m still anxious and nervous and upset.  But my hope is that I will not be ruled by habit or past feelings, by guilt or manipulation.   The reality remains to be seen.

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11 Comments

  1. Krystle said,

    November 16, 2007 at 11:07 pm

    You are such a good writer. You have a way of putting something into words that many people don’t have.

  2. pantrypuff said,

    November 17, 2007 at 9:17 am

    My two cents: You’re not over it. If you were, this wouldn’t be upsetting you so much right now.

    I totally relate to your situation, ( it all sounds so horribly familiar) so I don’t mean that in a judgmental way. I mean it in a “Been There” way.

    However: just because he can still affect you doesn’t mean he can control you. It sounds like you know that and are ready for the uphill battle. You will win!!

    God, what a user he sounds like. Can you imagine being his wife?

    And, on a side note, the weight loss journey is your power. You have good habits. You are strong. Cling to that, to your exercise and your healthy eating. Use it to your advantage.

    And, let’s face it, living well IS the best revenge. You’re looking great and he’s still the same rancid, selfish person inside. How sad.

  3. Bev said,

    November 17, 2007 at 10:49 am

    Pantrypuff said exactly what I want to say, but I didn’t have the words.

    However I will add a couple things:
    1. The ‘twisted side’ – whatever you do, don’t tempt this, don’t wish for it, it could be your downfall. If you even unconsciously think this way, your actions are going to reflect it and you will be back to where you started with him. You will see how wrong ‘he’ is for you.

    2. And the reverse is true, if you keep telling yourself he is not good for you, he is as toxic as the extra weight you WERE carrying, your brain will help your heart realize this and at some point he will become just another person you know.

  4. Princess Darcy said,

    November 17, 2007 at 10:59 am

    ahahah! You should get Pantrypuff to tell him the last sentance of her comment… that made me laugh….

    how sad… he sucks! EW!

  5. pantrypuff said,

    November 17, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    I’ll tell him off for you, Ms. Shanny! Let me at him!!

  6. Marueze said,

    November 17, 2007 at 2:02 pm

    Sigh…you can’t let him undo all the progress you have made for yourself.

    You did not start this journey to spite him …it was sort of in spite of him …if that makes sense. You started this for yourself and to feel better.

    The focus needs to be that you need to continue your journey.

    In travel you come to forks in the road, debris on the road, inclimate weather, muddy roads, etc. However, the journey continues. Sometimes it is just easier than others. You got through the last 10 weeks and it wasn’t easy but it may not have been the roughest time for you. Getting through this new circumstance may be but you can do it -you have proved that during the last 10 weeks you were able to lose what averaged out to what 2.5 lbs a week.

    Wow…most people -if lucky may lose 1-2 lbs a week… so far you have been a superstar in this area.

    Don’t let this get into your way. You have proved that you were strong enough to walk away. Keep walking.

    Deal with him only on an as need to basis. It is hard having to deal with someone on the day to day that you have decided to eliminate from your life.

    You will figure out how to handle this the best way for your own sanity. You have the inner strength. I read it in your writing. Just writing it shows that strength.

  7. ladybeams said,

    November 17, 2007 at 3:00 pm

    Good luck to you, but they say “Knowing the Problem is half the battle.” It sounds like you have a pretty good take on where you want to be. Remember no one’s opinion of you counts more than your own. You seem to be in a good place. Hold your head high enough and you won’t even see him ‘down there’. LOL

  8. Lady Shanny said,

    November 17, 2007 at 5:06 pm

    Again, you ladies amaze and astound me with your support and encouragement.

    Pantrypuff, I loved the comment ‘just because he can still affect you doesn’t mean that he can control you’. How wise you are! I also liked the part about clinging to the exercise and healthy eating. FYI, the ‘anonymous’ comment was from my twin sister. But we’re not going to do that….it just makes us look irrational and off-balance….but thanks for the thought! It makes me smile knowing that there are people who would defend me like that.

    Bev, I had to edit your comment slightly as your ‘code’ was a little UN-code-like. But I liked the part about him just becoming someone I know. I hope that happens soon.

    Mareuze, you said what I couldn’t find the words for last night. I’m doing it IN spite of him. In spite of all the heartache and misery. In fact, that all didn’t play into it at all, except that I was eventually tired of feeling like crap. The two things are completely unrelated, except for, as Pantrypuff said, living well is the best revenge. I am strong enough to keep walking away. At this point though, I have to be even stronger and just stay put. Not walk away because I’m already gone, but not walk toward him either. Just stay focussed on me and let him live his own life, minus any involvement from me. Sometimes staying put is even harder than walking away.

    Ladybeams, you’re right about not seeing him ‘down there’. I have to remember not to sink to the level that I was at before. I was blatantly throwing myself at him and to my own detriment. I’m better than that and I have to remember that. I have to remember that I am worth someone wanting me. Because throwing yourself at someone who doesn’t want you is like touching the red hot burner over and over and over. It hurts every single time and the wound just keeps getting bigger.

    Again, ladies, you are amazing! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. willamina said,

    November 19, 2007 at 6:29 am

    I’m impressed with all the advice given here :). I really can’t think of anything substantial to add . . . from what I’ve seen (read) of you, Shanny, I know you will be equal to this challenge. There may be some trial and error as you figure out the best way for you personally to handle this person, but I feel sure that you will prevail!

  10. Denton said,

    November 19, 2007 at 7:51 am

    There is a line in a movie from years back, Say Anything (I think). John Cusack’s character says “you don’t want to be loved, you just want to be wanted” That really got to me because, at first glance, it sounds true. Sure we want to turn heads and be admired. But deep down we want to be loved and respected for who we really are and for who we strive to become. That loser didn’t get to know who you are at your core. Even if he got close to your core back then, he would not know how to manipulate the strong woman you are now.

  11. desperatewriter said,

    November 20, 2007 at 12:01 am

    I think you’ll do fine. And you know what? His coming back into your life might be a good thing. Only because you can confront the situation, even if it’s only within yourself,and resolve it. It won’t always be hanging there, in the back of your mind like an old ghost. And you will see how strong you are, and how good it is to have that part of your life over. I so totally see what you mean about wanting him to see what he missed out on. I feel the same way about my former mentor. I want to get published and show her she isn’t the queen of everything after all. Maybe I should feel guilty or conflicted about that, but I don’t. And neither shouldd you. These people shouldn’t hold such power over us, and wanting these things is one way we can see taking our power back. Logic says letting it all go would do so even better, but I’ve never really followed logic a lot of the time!


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