It’s a pickle! (Updated)

OK….I’ll be back a little later (I came back) to keep posting under this title, but I just wanted to mention that I’ve added another page along the left hand side.  It’s called ‘The Miracle Diet’.  It won’t be applicable to most of you but perhaps leave a comment with your thoughts so that I don’t sound crazy!

It’s a bit frustrating now that I know how good I CAN feel, that I woke up this morning feeling really tired and kind of crappy.  I know that we women go through cycles but that doesn’t make me feel any less poo-ey.  I’m supposed to go to Aquafit tonight at 8 but I’m torn.  It’s really cozy in here with some candles lit and I’m in my flannel pants and I feel like crap.  I could just go and turn the electric blanket on and go to bed early or I could drag my butt out in the cold, rainy night to go get wet and spash around in the pool.  I’m torn.  I know if I don’t go I’ll feel the guilt of failure, but I really, REALLY want to just lay around.  I KNOW that the laying around won’t be as good as I want it to be with that guilt hanging over my head.  I KNOW that my snack later won’t taste as good if I didn’t work a little to earn it.  But I’m still waffling on going.

I think I know what’s going on here.  It’s the familiar visitor that comes around as soon as I start to do something good.  It’s the side of me that tries to sabotage my efforts out of fear of success.  I have the familiar phrases going through my head:  “If I don’t go today, I’ll just work extra hard at yoga tomorrow”  or “I don’t HAVE to go” or “What’s the harm in just staying home?”. 

I have started to have some decent success with my new plan, so why sabotage?  We’ve been over this before on this website (I think).  Once the weight is gone, will I be the person I want to be?  Once the weight is gone, where will I hide?  Once the weight is gone, I won’t have any excuses left.  At some point, I will have to find answers for all those questions.  For now though, I simply have to shut that voice in my head up.

So, having recognized all that, I think I’ve made my decision.  I don’t WANT to go and I don’t HAVE to go.  I NEED to go.  I NEED to go because otherwise that familiar visitor will get a leg up on me and I will NOT have that!

PERSISTENCE NOT PERFECTION!

OK, I persisted.  It wasn’ t perfect, but I went.  I feel good that I went.  I came home and I’m still super tired and feeling yucko, but at the very least I have the ability to say that I squashed the negative voice tonight.  Lady Shanny 1, negative voice 0. 

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3 Comments

  1. Tarable said,

    October 3, 2007 at 8:28 pm

    You’re a better woman that me. While I did get out and do a good little walk this afternoon (broke a slight sweat), I felt that it wasn’t enough and wanted to go for a jog this evening. But dinner needed to be made and laundry needed to be put away and the internet needed to be surfed…. and here I am heading to bed.

    I’ve had it in my head that I want to do more exercise. I NEED to do more. While I have been out doing at least a 40 minute walk each day, it seems that walking isn’t enough to satisfy the demons. I need to do more aggressive exercise like jogging or hiking. But stuff keeps preventing me from doing what I want to do. Stuff like migraines and monthend overtime at work and a general feeling of exhaustion.

    I try to forgive myself because after all – I am only human and it’s not like I’m doing NOTHING. But it’s not working. I feel bad for not doing enough.

  2. Lady Shanny said,

    October 3, 2007 at 10:14 pm

    Miss T! I would normally say something trite like “As long as you’re doing something, that’s enough” but I’m not fooling either one of us. Time gets away from us, desire gets away from us and then that nasty feeling sets in. The one that says ‘not good enough’ and ‘what did you expect’ and it makes us feel bad. I don’t know how to make that one go away. I have nothing. I’ve come up dry. If anyone out there knows how to be satisfied with whatever effort you are ABLE to put in, please share!

  3. Krystle said,

    October 4, 2007 at 1:10 pm

    GOOD JOB SHANNON!!!!!! Proud of you for not staying home!!! And, you’re journey pictures of you at 234 right now… that’s my current weight, AND… we have a VERY very similar body type. VERY. Good job though at going to Aquafit!


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