Over it?

OK, I’m going to try this again.  I’m well rested, sufficiently hydrated and ready to do it.  I’m going to do this in letter form, it may be easier for me to write (thanks for the idea Tarable!).

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Dear Person Who Hurt My Heart,

The first day I laid eyes on you, you had my heart.  You didn’t know it yet, but I did.  I knew it like I would know if I got hit by a tonne of bricks.  To this day, I don’t know what it was about you, but there was something.  Maybe it was your smile.  Maybe I saw you exactly at the right (wrong) time in my life.  You had no idea who I was, but that wouldn’t last long.  I remember specifically the first conversation you and I had.  I remember what you were wearing and how good you smelled.  We didn’t see each other again for quite awhile, but the next time we did, a relationship of sorts was formed.  I got to know you very well.  You and I spent alot of time on the phone together, chatting, working, laughing, flirting.  I never had to wait very long for you to call me again.  It was a given and I was thrilled.  Eventually I got up my courage to ask you out.  Your response, your exact words were “I’d love to, but I can’t.”.  I was a little disheartened, but it appeared that nothing had changed.  You still called me constantly.  I didn’t think anything of it.  I figured that I had feelings for you, you clearly had an interest in me and so I was willing to wait.  Months went by.  We got closer, we spent more time together.  You called me at home a couple of times when you were on the off shift.  Months went by.  I got more attached to you.  You started calling me at home a couple of times a night.  And then, one day, the bomb dropped.  I found out you were married.  Subsequently I found out that you had two children.  I was blind-sided.  I’d had no idea.  In all those hours of conversations, all that time we spent together, I didn’t suspect it for one second.  But you hadn’t really done anything wrong.  Not really.  At that point, the ‘relationship’ that we had should have changed, but it didn’t.  I still had very strong feelings for you and you still flooded my phone lines and office hours with attention.  I would like to say that I knew exactly what was going on, but I didn’t.  All I knew was how much I cared for you. 

Months went by.  I figured by then that regardless of my feelings, I should try to accept that we would only be friends.  I tried to put distance between us, but you were always there.  You seemed to know what buttons to push.  You seemed to know exactly how to get me to do what you needed done, and I did everything for you without ever asking why.  You seemed to know exactly how to keep me hooked.  Countless times I told myself to cut the ties.  Countless times I went home sad and frustrated that I couldn’t seem to get away from this.  Months went by.

Our ‘relationship’ was public knowledge.  My name was synonymous with yours.  Everyone at work thought that we were having an affair.  It didn’t seem to bother you, but it killed me inside.  I am not that person.  At this point, I started to feel embarassed about the spectacle that I was making of myself.  I knew that what was going on was wrong, but still, everytime I tried to pull away and put some distance between us, you were right there.  You had my heart and you wouldn’t let go.

While we never did anything that was immoral, I felt as shitty as I would have if we had.  Months went by.  You started to realize that you didn’t have to put out any effort anymore.  I had tried a bunch of times to stop the nonsense but I was still there at your beck and call.  I still did everything that you asked me to do.  You had me exactly where you wanted me.  I don’t think that you started out with that in mind, but once you realized what the situation was, you took full advantage and my feelings didn’t matter.  I began to tire of the one-sided-ness of our ‘friendship’.  We had several very personal conversations about this ‘issue’.  I told you flat out at least once that I had feelings for you and you didn’t say a word to try and dissuade me.  You absolutely used that declaration to your advantage and it completely screwed me up inside. 

You never gave me a second thought unless you needed something.   But that’s the way the entire relationship was.  You got what you wanted and didn’t give me a second’s thought.  I was just there to serve a purpose.  I think that realization was the beginning of the end of all of this.  It would take almost another full year for me to get there, but I’m done now.  DONE!

I accept full responsibility for my actions.  I know that I should have cut the ties with you and I didn’t/couldn’t.  I know that what I was doing wasn’t fair to me.  I knew that I was getting screwed in this deal.  I knew all that, I did it anyway and I accept full responsibility for that. 

But I also lay blame.  I blame you for not telling me straight up what the deal was.  I blame you for using my feelings to your own end for so long.  I blame you for noticing when I was pulling away and coming after me.  I blame you for the last 3 years that I have spent miserable, frustrated, sad, confused and hurt.  I blame you because you knew exactly what you were doing.  You knew exactly how to play me. 

I feel nothing but shame and embarassment about this whole situation.  I forgive me though because I have to.  I forgive me because I can’t beat myself up about this anymore.  I forgive me because it’s the only way that I know to get past it and move on.  I doubt very much that I will ever be able to forgive you.  Even if you asked, which I don’t believe will ever happen because you don’t think that you’ve done anything wrong. 

And that is why you and I can’t be friends anymore.  The only role that you can play in my life is that of a co-worker who I see occasionally.  I wonder if you’ll even notice.

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So that’s that.  I got it out.  He will never read this letter.  We will never have this conversation, and I’m OK with that. 

I know there are probably some of you thinking “So you liked a guy, big deal”, but it was so much worse than that.  I spent every day for more than 3 years never knowing what was going to happen next.  As a people-pleaser, I did everything I could to make him like me, to make him want me.  And when he didn’t, it enforced an already present fear that people will not like me for who I am.  It enforced a belief that I have to constantly be doing things for people to prove to them my value.  For more than 3 years, I wondered why he would pay me so much attention but never be willing or able to be there when I needed him.  

And so at some point I started to put on weight.  It wasn’t a conscious decision, but it was absolutely a defense mechanism.  I had to protect myself somehow because everything I had already tried hadn’t worked.  I couldn’t, at that point, believe that he was just a self-centered jerk who wasn’t interested in me as a person, friend or otherwise, but only in what I could do for him, how I could make him look good.  I used food as a comfort when I wished it could have been him.  And when I realized that it never would be him, I used food as a comfort to try and accept that.  All that happened was that I got fat.  And angry.   So yes, I liked a guy.  And it screwed me up for a good long time.  It made me question my future judgement.  It made me even more wary about trusting people.  It made me believe even more that people will disappoint you every time. 

I’m starting to realize now, mostly because of a good friend, that not all people will disappoint.  That I absolutely CAN put my trust in someone and not have it used to hurt me.  And THAT is a good feeling!   

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4 Comments

  1. desperatewriter said,

    September 22, 2007 at 12:30 pm

    Good for you! I like that idea about writing the letter. I may use it myself sometime!

  2. September 22, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    […] Lady Shanny, I see where you are coming from, from all you had to say.  My disappointment was a mentor, so I […]

  3. hueyea said,

    September 26, 2007 at 11:33 am

    As I read your post I kept thinking of my DD. For her it was only three months, not three years but, to a girl of only thirteen, a month is a year. The outcome is the same. Selfish guy takes advantage of girl who wants to please. Girl gets hurt and don’t realize it was him not her. If you have any idea how to move the recovery up faster I’d appreciate it.

  4. Lady Shanny said,

    September 26, 2007 at 1:07 pm

    Oh my gosh! If I had a way to move the recovery up, I never would have spent the last 3+ years that miserable. What it comes down to is that eventually the fog clears and you can see the situation for exactly what it is. A good friend of mine said that a couple of times over the last couple of years when we talked about it, I said all the right things, but he could tell that I wasn’t buying what I was saying. I KNEW how it should be to respect myself and end the nonsense, but I couldn’t seem to do it. There is nothing that anyone could have said to make me snap out of it. I know because people tried. A LOT! People that I cared about and respected. And still it dragged on, hurting me a little more every day.

    What it came down to was respecting myself more than I ‘cared’ for this other person and realizing that he actually didn’t really care about me at all. That sounds really sad, but it’s true. He didn’t care about me or my feelings the way that I cared about him. So one day I realized that I had to care about me that way and once I did, I realized that I deserve so much more than what he is about.

    I don’t know what you can say to your daughter. She’s very young. I hope that she figures it out early in life and doesn’t spend her adult years wasting time and energy and love on someone who is not worthy. Depending on her maturity, maybe let her read my post and the comments about it. Maybe it will shed some light, coming from someone who isn’t her dear mom.


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