Click

Read the post below at your own risk.  It really sucks!  I didn’t want to delete it though because I have a rule about deleting what I write.  But honestly?  It is NOT good.  And I’m not just looking for compliments (I won’t believe you anyway).  I am over-tired, under-watered, over-stressed and under-comforted and  I shouldn’t have written anything at all.  I had all these ideas in my head for what I was going to talk about today and none of it would come out.  I had about 3 pages written in my head on the way home from work and when I sat down with the laptop, they wouldn’t come out.  Not one of the thoughts or phrases or ideas (and some of them were really good) would form an orderly line in my head and come out.  All that came out was this drivel.  I’m going to bed!

________________________________ 

No, not the movie (which was really dumb, by the way).  No, something inside of me.  Clicked.  About a month ago.  All of a sudden I realized that I would no longer allow people to treat me poorly.  I realized that I would no longer squash all my wants and needs in favour of someone else’s.  I would no longer put every other person on the planet ahead of myself.  I would no longer not say what needed to be said in case it made the person not like me.  I’m not saying that now I go around speaking my mind about everything, but where it directly affects me, I speak up.  And I have to tell you, it’s a bit of a lonely place to be.  When people have become very used to doing what suits them regardless of how it impacts me, it is an absolute shock to them when you say even something as simple as “I’m on lunch right now, can you come back in a half hour?”.  They don’t know what to do with themselves.  It’s like a personal affront.  Heaven forbid that I take 30 minutes to decompress and eat lunch because they don’t have time for me to sit around and stare out the window, and can’t I just eat my lunch while I look something up for them or take a phone call?

Now, I understand it will be an adjustment period for people to realize that they cannot take advantage of me.  I taught them that it was an acceptable way to treat me.  And now I have to unteach them that and it’s not going well.  It’s tough and messy and makes me want to just forget the whole thing and put everything back the way it was.  Fortunately, I don’t give up that easily.  I know what I’m doing is right and that’s all that matters. 

I had a whole lot more post written tonight, but in reading back on it, it wasn’t the honest, raw look that it needs to be.  Not that I am a sucker for punishment, but if I can’t say it on this website, then I’m clearly not admitting it to myself yet, and that’s a problem.  I briefly touched on the issue in an earlier post but clearly I am not ready to admit what parts I have to accept responsiblity for.  I’m still all blame-y and finger-point-y.  One day the whole thing will be said and dealt with and packed away to become one of those memories that, when you call them up, you cringe but otherwise they don’t have any effect on you.  One day.  Today is not that day.

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5 Comments

  1. Tarable said,

    September 20, 2007 at 8:05 pm

    Ummm… I’ve got some bad news. It doesn’t get any easier.

    As a person who is always standing up against what I think is wrong, or standing FOR what I think is right – it IS a lonely place to be. People who fight for what they believe in are few and far between. And they make other people very, very uncomfortable.

    Whether you are fighting for yourself to be treated respectfully where you weren’t before, or you are fighting for a something else all together – people don’t like it. They never will. You will have very few supporters because they don’t want to “stand out” – even if they secretly agree with everything you are fighting for.

    It’s not an easy road to travel – believe me.

    That being said – I wouldn’t change myself for the world. Just because it’s a hard road doesn’t mean it’s the wrong one (even if it feels like it sometimes). In fact, the hard road is usually (not always) the one worth taking because it has the biggest rewards at the end. (But it’s usually a long way to the end…)

    Alright, enough of my “wisdom”, I’m going to bed because I’m tired from fighting my battles all day long.

  2. Bev said,

    September 20, 2007 at 8:13 pm

    You have the right and reason to be tired, physically and emotionally. What you’re doing is hard work.

  3. daughterdearest said,

    September 21, 2007 at 7:58 am

    I find that as I’m getting older, I’m becoming less and less tolerant of being walked all over. Something about my midwestern upbringing has made me a die-hard people pleaser. So much so that I have actually let my own bills go unpaid to loan money to other people, simply because they asked for it.

    Your post was not terrible. I think it was wonderful. I too am coming to grips with the lonely place that happens when you’re honest and you stick up for your needs and wants. However, nobody is going to care of me but me, and it’s a long hard lesson that I think I’m finally learning.

  4. daughterdearest said,

    September 21, 2007 at 7:59 am

    BTW, my name is also Shannon, and I’m 29. whoa!

  5. Princess Darcy said,

    September 21, 2007 at 9:01 am

    I have to disagree with Tarable… (sorry girl). Okay, not disagree, but… okay.
    Yes, standing up for yourself and what you believe in can seem like a lonely place… sure, the people that want to walk all over you will stop giving you the facade of respect that they used to. The smile and ‘gee thanks’ that you used to get when you’d put yourself on hold to make a phone call was nothing but a nice way of saying ‘Thanks for letting me walk on you… I’ll be back later to do it again’. HOWEVER… you WILL find that as you start to stand up for yourself, and become the person you want to be, there will be people out there, like Tarable, and me, who are in that same boat… and you’ll start to feel as tho you’re on a team of people who respect themselves… That’s not a lonely place to be…Thats a great place to be… the ‘lonlieness’ that you feel is merely the sluffing off of people around you who were paying you false respect.


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