Doozy!

Tonight is one of those nights that I was at a loss for something to write about.  I had a rough week at work and my mind is going in a million different directions right now.  I thought about just going to bed and not posting today, but I figured I’d have more of a chance of falling asleep if I could just focus some of my random thoughts; align them in some way.  So I went looking for a quote to give me some direction and I found this one: 

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…and you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you up and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ~ Neil Gaiman

That quote is very much one of the reasons that I am the way I am.  It is one of the biggest reasons that I overeat and why I let myself get to this point.  Love and all the stuff that goes with it is just too much.  It feels too good when it’s good and then hurts too bad when it’s over.  I chose at some point to just avoid the possibility altogether.  But it didn’t work.  Oh no!  It didn’t work at all and then I was blind-sided.  The phrase “nature abhors a vacuum” fits quite well, because as much as you try to eclipse something as important as being loved from your life, that is not the way that God intended it to be and the missing element attempts to find its way back.  In my case, for whatever reason, I fell for someone who did not reciprocate, but did exploit my feelings to his own end for a long time.  It took a long time for me to catch up to what was going on, and when I did I felt like an idiot.  I felt like everyone else knew long ago what I had only just figured out.  I felt like people were laughing at me and how naive I was.  I felt like a fool.  

“…and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up…” And someone did and now I have to sort out how to not let that happen again.  But this time I will do it without the food and without the fat.  So I am at a bit of an impass.  I don’t want to go forward because I can’t deal with the pain and the heartache again.  But I can’t go back to where I was because I wasn’t happy.  So what do I do?  I continue to take care of me.  First!  Foremost!  ME!  I make sure that I am living my best life (Oh Lord, I sound like Oprah!) and treating myself with the best care I can.  I will treat me the way that I hope, one day, that I will be able to let someone else treat me.  I will treat me with respect and admiration because I am worth the attention and the time and the love.  Because if I don’t believe it and act it and show it, how on earth can I expect someone else to?  How can I expect someone else to treat me better than I treat myself?   I will teach people how to treat me and I will do it by example.  So that maybe next time it won’t kill me inside. 

Learn and live.  Do you have any major issues that you have to find a way around?  Anything that has been a roadblock for you every other time you’ve tried to lose weight?  Have you made your way around a big pothole and finally have the map?  I know that those are probably very sensitive questions for most people.  If you can be brave and comment, please do.  And if you can’t right now, I totally understand.  It can take a long time before you can be honest with yourself, let alone the Internet!

PERSISTENCE NOT PERFECTION 

  

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2 Comments

  1. hueyea said,

    September 15, 2007 at 10:20 am

    Oh Shannon, I would give you a great big hug right now if I could ((((((Hug)))). I love the quote! it’s so true how love can mess you up, but you also must know it can set you free. After my divorce with my first husband, I sat down and thought about what I really really wanted. Not just physical appearances(I did put little notes in though), but qualities Qualities that were high enough for my standards. I went out into the dating world and met/dated alot of guys. If they didn’t match my list, I didn’t want them. No hurt. This may seem cruel but I needed to take care of myself and my kids.

    List was something like this

    1. Sense of humor – had to make me laugh
    2. Love my kids – no brainer
    3. Open/Honest – even if it hurt me
    4. Puts me ahead of everyone/everything else – & I would do the same for him.

    Side note – Dark curly hair, outdoorsmen

    Then one day – The guy I was dating was having a BBQ and invited some friends over. I was sitting across from this guy with dark curly hair(my weakness) and making me laugh(another weakness). He was talking about the basket of vegetables he had grown and the venision he brought over(outdoorsmen). When the guy I was dating brought me a hamburger. I took a bite and hated it. He had given me one with hot peppers in it even though I told him I hated them. I asked for aother one but he told me the regular oes were all gone. I was sad. That’s when the dark haired guy offered to switch with me cause he had a regular one. Stole my heart right then and there.

    Don’t ever give up! Make your list. Why should you have to ever settle for less? You deserve the best! You will find the one that is your best fit!

  2. marueze said,

    September 15, 2007 at 1:03 pm

    Great Quote from Neil, . . . .
    Carly Simon sings a song which she wrote…

    I know nothing stays the same
    But if you’re willing to play the game
    It’s coming around again
    So don’t mind if I fall apart
    There’s more room in a broken heart
    Carly SImon

    Not that emotions are a game, but I really like the idea of there being more room in a broken heart. Shows the room to expand beyond the limits of a regular heart, I guess.

    Don’t know if there is a map for that kind of a journey…but if I come across one I will be happy to share.
    🙂


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